Page 95 of Jersey

"I metmy wife Eden at a bar," I begin. "She was so pretty and it didn't take much of anything for her smile to brighten her entire face. She was free and didn't have a worry in the world, but I knew how dangerous it was for her. She wasn't a target or a mark. She was simply a pretty girl in a bar. We hit it off immediately. We burned hot and fast, and there was a time when I couldn't wait to finish a job with ICE and get back home to her. She got pregnant a month after we started dating, and I felt like I did the right thing by marrying her and making sure she had a home. I thought things were perfect. We had the boys, Tyler and Timothy, and I was home as often as my job allowed, but being a married single mother couldn't have been easy for her."

I grip the back of my neck and apply pressure. I can feel the wave of grief threatening to take over, and I know it will make me stop talking. I also know that she deserves to hear everything, including the reasons I've kept her at a distance.

"That beautiful smile of hers faded, but I don't think I noticed at first. All I could focus on was how unhappy she was and how often she'd complain and yell and get upset that I was never home. I started avoiding coming home. I'd take longer assignments, and although I missed her and the boys like crazy, I knew going home meant getting yelled at and accused of doing God knows what while I was away.

"I didn't know until the toxicology report came back that she had been abusing prescription drugs. I still don't know where she got the damned things from. I didn't know she was smoking. It was like my wife was a stranger to me, and we'd been together for over five years at that point.

"I think I figured she'd always be there, that the boys would always be there. I was selfish and dismissive of her needs. She fell asleep that night after taking a bunch of pills with a lit cigarette on the couch. The whole house went up in flames. I'm self-aware enough to know I didn't cause the fire, but I was the reason she was unhappy, which led to the drug use, which in turn killed my boys.

"I stayed angry for years. I hated her and what she did to us, but I'm mature enough now to see my own part in what happened. My family died because I didn't want to be at home to listen to her complain about how I trapped her in a life she never wanted. Instead of fixing what was broken and putting my efforts where they needed to be, I buried myself in work and avoided my other responsibilities."

"I can see how that would affect how you lived your life going forward," she says, her voice soft and understanding.

I scoff. "That sounds very therapeutic of you, Doc."

She gives me a soft smile when I look up at her. "I can't tell you that it gets better. I can't tell you that time is going to heal all of your wounds. I know better than trying to fill your head with lies of hope. You lost your wife and your two boys. That will have a hold on you until you take your last breath. What I can tell you is that it's okay to move on. It's okay to experience happiness without betraying them."

"I think I'm beginning to understand that," I whisper. "At least I was, but then you almost died yesterday."

"My connection to Miles had nothing to do with you. The man who followed me home from Catalyst wasn't triggered by something you said or did. You told me he had to have followed me home before that night we saw him drive by my house. You haven't put me in danger. If anything, I'm grateful you were around because things could've ended very badly if you hadn't been a part of my life, even with how temporary it was."

Her words slice away at my skin, making me feel open and bare, exposed in a way I've never felt before.

I try to speak, but no words come out, and I have to force a swallow in order to get things working properly again.

"I care for you, Caitlyn."

Her return smile is weak as her eyes dart away, and I know I'm going to fuck this up entirely before I get the chance to fully explain myself.

"You said you'd listen," I remind her.

She dips her head as she clasps her hands in her lap, and it makes me wonder if she really wants to cross them over her chest to protect her from what she thinks I'm going to say next.

"I thought I could convince myself that it was just sex, that the connection I felt to you the second I laid eyes on you was lust, and that it didn't go any further than that. I tried to feel regret after that night on your front porch. It's been seven years since I lost my family, and every other time I've given into physical weakness and spent time with a woman, I felt like I was betraying my wife. I was sick to my stomach on the drive back to the cabin that night because I didn't feel that way. I tried to force it, to remind myself just how terrible of a person I was for what had happened, but it didn't work. It didn't keep me from craving more from you.

"Somehow, in my mind, it felt like an even bigger betrayal to Eden and the boys. Sex is one thing, but feeling more than just a physical satisfaction never played a part where women were concerned until you."

"It affected me too," she says, but her smile is still sad and a little distant.

"I lied to you," I confess. "What I feel for you is so fucking deep, it distresses the shit out of me. I want to avoid it, to bury it until it disappears, or at least until the feelings are a little more manageable. I know I can't do that. I thought that not getting close to another woman would protect them. It would keep them safe from me and the poison I seem to be."

"You're not poison," she says, sadness mixed with understanding in her tone.

"I let my life get tangled in yours, and look where we are. You were held at gunpoint."

"Not because of you," she clarifies. "The way I see it, like I said a moment ago, I think things would've been much worse if you hadn't been in my life, but I can put things in place so that I'm safe even if you're not around, Roman."

The idea of that makes my skin itch like a million tiny bugs crawling across my skin, but I know it to be true.

Despite my urgent need to keep her safe, I know there are protections we can put in place that will keep her safe from harm. It just needs to be a little more difficult than normal to victimize her. Most criminals look for the simple grab, the easy way to get what they want from someone. They'll choose someone who is not paying attention over someone who is aware. It decreases their chance of losing and getting caught.

"I'd prefer if you stayed here," I say as I stand, my emotions about to get the better of me, but I don't think begging her to be with me and sharing a life with me would be well received after I so recently told her that can't happen yesterday. "I understand if that's no longer what you want."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" she growls at my back when I walk toward the bedroom door. "You care about me. This was more than just sex and a physical need. You can't stop thinking about me, but you're just going to turn and walk away from me?"

I turn to face her, unsure what to say.

"Youjust told me that your mistake with Eden and the boys was avoidant behavior, and here we are, not having learned from that mistake."

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