Page 38 of Drowning Her

Suddenly, footsteps echoed in the tunnel. I threw a hand over Wilder’s chest, and we both quieted, the sounds of our breaths floating between us. The person walked past us, whistling to himself. I kept my hand on Wilder’s chest, his heartbeat steady. And somehow, it calmed me too. I didn’t want to let go.

Once the person was gone, we both relaxed. I turned toward him, seeing only the shape of his face in the darkness.

“It’s not a dumb question,” I said. “Why keep me aliveif you want nothing to do with me? You could obviously get away with it.”

“You must truly want to die.”

“I want to know why you haven’t killed me yet.”

“Fucking hell, Maisie. You know why.”

And I knew those words were the only answer I would get from him. Only a hint of an admission. He did care about me.

“You’ve never had a girlfriend before, have you?” I asked.

“Are you having fun?” The irritation was ripe in his voice.

“I just want to know.”

The tension was thick in the air. Wilder may have been strange and erratic and controlled in a way that scared me, but I knew he wanted me, and that he wanted to protect me, even if he tried hard not to. He couldn’t help it. Like I couldn’t help but be fascinated by him.

“All right,” I said. “I’ll say it, then.You want me.”

Silence.

He didn’t deny it this time.

“But I try andtryto get you to notice me,” I said.

And as those words came out, I realized he did notice me. It was the perfume requests: smelling my natural scent, but not wanting to. The fact that he always came back in the evenings. That he let me follow him. That he tucked me into bed. He had probably never had a relationship before. He must have always been with sex workers. It must have been why his father sought me out.

“I don’t get it,” I said. “You won’t even have sex with me.” I threw up my hands, the shadows of my arms darkening across his face. “I’ve tried everything. I always crack clients, even the cold ones. But not you. You shut me downevery time. And then I think I’m getting close, and you throw me back. Not letting me?—”

“Why do you want to have sex so bad?”

My jaw fell, guilt tightening in my chest, remembering the condition of receiving the million dollars.

“I told you,” I said. “Your father offered me a million dollars.”

“Why are you in such a hurry? You know you’ll get your money.”

“Is it really that surprising that I want to know that you want me?” Pain drummed in my jaw. “I’m human, Wilder. I need physical contact, just like anyone else.” I raised my hands in frustration. “Like everyone else, except you.”

He straightened his posture, his shadow looming higher. “It’s not my fault that you need physical reassurance,” he said. “Not everything can be measured by sex.” He came closer, his breath on my face. “And yes, I want you, all right? But I’m not going to fuck you. I won’t let myself.”

Everything inside of me came to a halt. I realized what was keeping him back from me. I should have known it all along. The harsh way he touched me. His jagged movements. His uncontrolled passion. There was nothing fluid about him. He wouldn’t do it, because he had never done it before.

“You’re a virgin,” I said.

Chapter 14

Wilder

ten years old

A metal mask wrappedaround my face. I couldn’t see anything. My head hurt; the mask was heavy. I pressed myself against the wall, trying to get my bearings. The metal rails. The wooden walls. Dust on the cement floor. I was in the Dairy Barn. This was part of training, then. We had enemies. We had to be ready.

My breath softened as I listened, my breaths echoing slightly in the metal enclosure. The cloth gag dry in my mouth. Shuffling footsteps. The creak of a hay rack. Someone else was in here, not just my father. That meant?—

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