Page 88 of Verses Of Us

His eyebrow lifted. “Can you do the same?”

She let out a wry laugh and sat down. “Why don’t we start with something simple?” She waited for him to nod before continuing. “Tell me honestly what you’re thinking. Right now.”

AGAIN

Alexis

Thetemperaturedropped,andthe fire died down. Alexis sank back down into the Adirondack chair, watching her breath puff out from her mouth in faint clouds. The large wool sweater Ciarán had lent her kept her warm, and she stuffed her hands into the long sleeves, watching him, waiting for his answer.

“What I’m thinking, Lex, is that I’m jealous.” He put his glass down on the stone patio and turned toward her. “Remember that time, at your place…?”

The way he lifted his eyebrow told her exactly which time he meant. She nodded, tucking her chin into the sweater. How could she forget it? She’d never been more vulnerable.

“We talked about regrets…”

“I remember.”

She recalled the night they first slept together. All of it came rushing back. The emotions roused when she’d confided in Ciarán. When she’d admitted her disappointment about her first time having sex. She swallowed back the rising embarrassment.

“And I said I’d wished I’d been your first.”

“I figured you were being nice,” she offered with a small laugh. “You also said it would have been a horrible idea.”

“Not sure I said horrible, but I meant it. Back then, I was obsessed with only one thing, and that was fucking you.” His burning gaze sent a wave of heat over her skin, and she tugged the sweater down. “But I’ve since come to understand that how I felt wasn’t just about sex,” he continued. “I was looking for something physical, sure, but deep down, I was really looking to share something meaningful. A connection. And I wanted it to be with you.”

He rubbed his jaw and half-shrugged. “So, yeah, it would have been idiotic, but dammit, I wanted to be your first. But when you said I wouldn’t have that chance, I became insanely jealous. And last night, when I saw that ring on your finger…” He nodded toward her hand and she glanced down. She still hadn’t removed it and now felt horrible for having kept it on. “God, this is harder than I expected.” He dropped his head, running his hands through his hair.

Like a glass of cold water thrown down her back, she figured out what he was saying and her heart did a funny jump.

“You didn’t think… we’d… you and me…” She couldn’t bring herself to say it.

He tilted his head slowly her way. The silent seconds hammered her stomach a little further down.

“Not really,” he answered. “Ugh, I’ve put my foot in it, haven’t I?”

“Ciarán, you’re not making any sense.” Desperate to understand, to hear what he struggled to express, her patience grew thin. She knew it had to come out, so she gave him time to gather his thoughts. But she had her fair share of things to say building up, so gather them he’d better.

“I know, I know.” He ran his hands along his thighs, then squared his shoulders, revealing glossy eyes that she blamed on the evening cold. “When I saw you, andthat.” Again, he nodded at the ring, but this time, his voice cracked. “I knew I had been afraid of something for too long. We shared something rare. I felt it in here.” He jabbed his fingers against his chest. “And it’s crazy, but I’m kind of… wondering if we could get it back.”

Alexis didn’t respond. She couldn’t. She prayed the shadows hid the tears brimming in her eyes, and she blinked, gulping in air. Something she’d wanted for so long was finally happening.

“I can’t…” The words failed her. There was no simple way to express the entirety of how she felt, to describe the depth of her love for him, but also the anger she couldn’t quite let go of. They shared the same doubts and hopes, but she wasn’t sure she could give him what he wanted. She worried they’d missed out on something incredible because he’d been too stubborn and proud to take it. “This was supposed to be a few days. Something simple. You know I care for you, but… I can’t give you more than that. Not now.”

Something heavy with regret and disappointment flashed through his eyes. He grimaced, then dropped his head back, a rough exhale leaving his mouth. Seeing him unhappy reignited her reflex to comfort him, but her pain outweighed her sympathy and cut through her like knives. She struggled. She wasn’t sure if she should give in to what her body urged her to do.

“Why did you come here?” he snapped, his blue eyes full of bitterness.

Her mouth opened, but nothing came out.

Had she come for no other reason than to argue about why they hadn’t done things differently? Or had she come to heal, to make peace with their past, and take the chance she wasn’t given back then? It was right there for the taking—it sat attainable in the chair beside her, with pleading eyes that held onto the pain that haunted him.

Ciarán needed something he’d only found with her, and despite her better judgement, she knew she needed it too. More than needed; her soul cried out for it.

Unsteady legs lifted her up, and she stood between him and the fire, her hands resting on his shoulders. A peaceful expression spread over his face as he pressed his cheek against her arm and shut his eyes.

“I came here because I’ve always been unable to stay away from you,” she said.

The way he looked up, his gaze hooded, and how he brushed his lips along her arm before kissing it made it almost impossible for her to continue.

---