Page 76 of The Nanny is Off Limits

I’m stuck somewhere between sadness and anger when I see Ellie sitting on the steps. We weren’t yelling, but we were certainly loud enough that she probably heard everything. The look on her face matches the one on mine and after checking on Isla and SJ and seeing them still asleep, I follow her downstairs. I usher her into my bedroom and she sits across from me on the bed.

“How much did you hear?”

“All of it,” she says. “After the conversation we had when I got home, I thought there was more to her frustration.”

I sigh, wondering what she could have said to Ellie and hoping it wasn’t anything like what she’d said to me. “I’m sorry, you’re tied up in this. What did she say to you?”

“Don’t apologize. I’m just as involved. She didn’t ask me if there was anything between us. She just mentioned that she thought Isla was getting too attached and about what happened at bedtime.”

I pull off my jacket and toss it on the lounger in the corner before sitting on the bed next to her. “She thinks I’m selfish.”

“You’re not selfish, Rowan. I’ve never been in this situation so I’m not exactly sure how to navigate it either, but I think this is potentially stemming from seeing you with another woman that’s not her mom while also being worried about SJ and Isla. I do think she is worried about them and I get that. It was some of my hesitation as well.” She puts a hand on mine and squeezes it gently. “You are a good dad.”

I let my eyes close slowly, feeling disappointment in myself replacing the previous anger and sadness. “Don’t make me repeat it.”Especially because at the moment I do not feel like I am.

“It’s possible that you were going to have this conversation about anyone you were choosing to bring into their life. Maybe Margot thought she was prepared because she was fine with the idea of you dating. It’s very different from actually seeing you with someone else.” I know she’s trying to cheer me up but all I can focus on is Margot calling meselfish. I stand up without another word and begin unbuttoning my shirt. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?” Ellie asks and I hate the nerves I hear in her voice. Like maybe she’s thinking I’m going to take this situation out on her. I don’t blame her and I hope I’m able to convey that properly.

“Their mother called me selfish. Often. Hearing my daughter say that…it just took me back, I guess. Bianca would say I cared more about work than her…than them…” I sigh, recalling the number of fights we had because I’d been late or missed something I’d promised the kids. “She told me one day I’d wake up and the kids would barely know me.” I clear my throat. “I’ve really tried to be better about showing up for them. I guess it hasn’t been good enough.”

“Rowan, you’re a single dad with a demanding job. You can only do so much. They have more of your time than I had with my dad growing up,”she says, and while I know she isn’t placating me, I can’t help but feel like it.

“Yeah, and you wish you had more,” I tell her while I pull off the rest of my clothes and put on a pair of sweatpants.

“Of course, but I know that wasn’t his fault.”

I go into my bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t know how long I’m in here before Ellie comes in and sits on the edge of the counter looking up at me.

“You are allowed to have a life, Rowan.”

“But I’m not allowed to have you.” I chuckle.

“Says who?”

“My almost seventeen-year-old daughter apparently.”

She looks down at her hands and I can see the sadness written all over her. “Do you want to take a break…”

“No,” I tell her, already knowing what she was planning to say. “She knows now. What would be the point of ending this?” The thought hits me hard and I turn my gaze to hers. “Unless you’re planning to leave?”

“No…” Her bottom lip trembles slightly and when I turn her gaze to mine, her eyes are watery. “I’ve always tried to maintain a healthy distance with the kids I nanny for. There’s always a plan in place for me to leave and…I try my best not to get attached.” She rubs her nose and under her eyes. “And most of the time it works. I feel sad of course when I leave them but…with your kids…” She trails off. “The thought of leaving them—it hurts more than usual. And I feel like I’ve known this for a while. Since I met Isla in the grocery store when she teared up about her mother.”

I stare at her in shock. “She cried?” I didn’t know that.No wonder she came to meet me.

“Yeah…umm…I never really gave you the whole story. I wasn’t hiding it, I just kind of forgot and I didn’t want you to get mad at River.” She chuckles sadly. “She was by herself; I think I mentioned she was climbing the shelves. I asked her who she was with, if she was with her mom and she said no and that she died.”I hadn’t known Isla to talk about her mother at all, and it makes me wonder if there had been signs I hadn’t seen.“I told her that mine did too, and I don’t know, maybe she felt comfortable or safe but she teared up and then she hugged me. I think I’ve been attached ever since.” She shakes her head and looks up at me. “But I know I’m not their mother, and God, I hope Margot doesn’t think I’m trying to take her place. Jacqueline thinks I took this job because a part of me was trying to rewrite the past. Do better for SJ and Isla than I ever did for my sisters…and be the person for Margot that I wish someone had been for me.” She pauses before she raises her hand and lets it drop to her thigh in defeat. “But now she hates me. So…”A feeling of sadness washes over me thinking about Ellie as a child in the same situation that my kids are in now and how growing up without a mother is something I can’t understand no matter how much I try to be there for them.

I shake my head at her and rest my hands on her shoulders, forcing her gaze upwards to meet mine. “She doesn’t hate you, and listen to me, Ellie…I am so happy they have you. I know you are not trying to replace her, but Margot was right about one thing. You are a motherly figure to them and I’m glad it’s someone who cares about them as much as you do.” I pull her into my arms and press a kiss to her forehead and then her nose. “Please don’t cry.”

“I just don’t want to be the cause of a strain between you and Margot. A good nanny doesn’t—”

I pull back to look at her. “I think you are far past just being the nanny, wouldn’t you say?”I interject.

“I guess.”

I cup her face and stroke my thumbs over the apples of her cheeks. “There’s no guessing. You’re good for them. All of them. Margot included, even if she doesn’t see it right now. And you’re good for me. You make me want to be better for them and for me. We will work all of this out, but I’m not letting you leave us.” I press my lips softly to hers. “That includes me, by the way.”

“I don’t want to…and even before I didn’t mean a break for forever.”

“I’m not letting you get away at all. Not even for a second.”

---