Page 30 of The Nanny is Off Limits

“It’s different but I feel similarly about Isla. She barely had any time with her mom and now she has to live the rest of her life without her.” Memories of having to explain death to my very confused five-year-old flashes through my mind and my stomach turns.

The faint sounds of the trees rustling are the only sounds to be heard before Elianna cuts through the silence. “I can’t speak for your kids but I will say that my youngest sister, Eden, was a little younger than Isla when our mom died, and…it was not easier…by any means, butdifferentthan it was for me and Emily. Eden misses the idea of having a mom because her memories aren’t as clear and the ones she does have are when my mom was at her sickest. Her memories have faded so much over the years that she’ll tell you that sometimes she forgets the sound of her voice whereas Emily and I can still hear it clearly. I used to be jealous of her when we were younger. I thought that if some of my memories would just fade, it wouldn’t hurt as much. Of course, Eden wishes she had more memories. It just sucks all around for everyone involved because everyone has their own journey with grief. Their own pain.” She gives me a forlorn smile. “Even you. Even though you weren’t married or the love had faded. You’re probably mourning your marriage all over again through a different lens. Like you’re mourning the love of apastlife.”

I look over at her, but she’s not looking at me. Instead, she’s looking out at my backyard. “You said your mom was sick?”

“Yeah, she had cancer. It was…tough.” She shivers and I realize she’s only wearing a thin long-sleeved shirt and sweatpants. It’s slowly inching below fifty degrees but I’m wondering if it’s her memories causing the sudden tremor and not the weather. She doesn’t say anything more and I take that to mean she won’t be elaborating.

“I’m so sorry.” I rest a hand over hers and give it a brief squeeze. “Their mom died in a car accident.” I swallow. “It was raining and she was on her way to pick up SJ from school. Isla wasn’t in school yet, but she wasn’t with her. She was with Bianca’s mother.” I hear the sharp intake next to me and I can already hear her thoughts because it’s the same most people have.SJ blames himself for what happened.I lean back in my chair. “He doesn’t know.” I rub the back of my neck. “I mean he’s a smart kid, so he might know that the reason she’d be in the car at that time is because she was going to pick him up, but I’ve never explicitly said it. My brother went to pick him up and he never thought anything of it. He just assumed it was the plan all along and River was just a little late.” My eyes shut as the memories of that day come flooding back. “I’ve never driven that fast in my life. I didn’t even have enough sense at the moment to realize that if I had gotten in an accident, they could have potentially lost both of their parents in one day.”

“I’m really sorry, Rowan,” she says. “For you and them.”

“Thanks.” I down the rest of my drink and reach next to me to grab the bottle of scotch. “I assume you won’t join me,” I say to her as I pour myself another drink.

She bites her bottom lip and looks behind her toward the door and I wonder if she’s going to agree. “Maybe later? I just…Margot isn’t home yet and in case for whatever reason someone needs to go get her, I’d rather be safe. But I’ll sit here with you.”

I chuckle darkly. “The fact that you even thought of that and I didn’t…I hate feeling like a shitty dad. Like the person who was better at parenting died.”

“No. That’s…you’re not a shitty dad, Rowan. And if this is the road you’re trying to go down tonight, I’m taking that from you,” she says looking at the glass in my hand.

“This is only my second drink. I’m not drunk. Far from it. I feel this way while I’m sober, trust me.”

“And alcohol can aggravate those feelings.” She gives me a hard look. “Do I need to take that?” She points at my glass.

“No.”

“Now, say you’re a good dad.”

“Elianna, I’m fine.”

“Say it, or I’m taking it.”

I side-eye her briefly before looking down at my drink. “I’m a good dad.”

“Say it again.”

I grit my teeth. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“Well, that makes two of us then.”

I snap my eyes to hers and she’s giving me a look that’s almost scolding.

“I’m a good dad.”

“They are lucky to have you, Rowan. They are crazy about you. Any annoyance you may feel from them is normal child growing pains. They miss their mom, of course, but they would be just as distraught had it been you in that car.”

I rarely talk about Bianca and my feelings surrounding her death to anyone but my therapist and I haven’t talked to her in months. Every once in a while, I’ll talk to River but I’ve never even gotten this deep with him so I’m shocked that I’ve unloaded all of this on Elianna. “Thank you for listening by the way.”

She nods. “Is this why you worked from home today?”

“Maybe? I actually didn’t realize it until I was on my first call of the day, but maybe subconsciously I knew it was today and my mind just made me believe I needed the day due to exhaustion.”

“I’m glad you stayed home. You should take more days.”

“I wish it were that easy.” My phone lights up on the table in front of us. I lean forward and I see a text from Margot telling me she’s on her way home. “Margot’s on her way.” Elianna nods but she doesn’t say anything. She just tucks her feet under her and continues to stare out into the night. “Do they tell you that?” I ask her and she turns her head to me, tilting it to the side in question. “The kids…do they tell you that they wish I was home more?”

“They haven’t specifically said that, no, but I know they wouldn’t hate spending more time with you.” She gives me a soft smile and leans forward again. “They’re going to be okay, Rowan. You will all be okay.”

“This is just not how I saw this going, you know. Even after we divorced…I still always saw her in the picture. Their graduations and I don’t know sitting next to her when they got married. She was a really good mom.”

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