Page 48 of Off Season

Arizona and I both start giggling uncontrollably. Of course my sister is attracted to the old fucker.

Coach Billie calls us into our pregame huddle. With determination written on her face, she commands, “Ladies, it’s time to show the monkey the snake.”

What the fuck does that mean? I look around in bewilderment and notice all my teammates with equally baffled expressions on their faces. Coach Billie has a knack for makingweird snake puns. I’m usually able to figure them out, but not this one.

She continues, “I’m proud of every single one of you. You’ve worked your asses off, and I don’t mean only this season. All I ask of you is that you leave nothing on the table. Don’t walk off the field with regrets. Nothing is worse in life than missed opportunities. You’ve sacrificed too much. Take advantage of it. As a new franchise, people assume you’re undeserving of winning a championship. You haven’t bled enough for it. I call bullshit. They don’t know shit about you. You deserve to be here. Every single one of you. Keep the negative voices out and just hear my voice. You. Deserve. Everything.”

She makes eye contact with each of us, ending with me. Frankly, I’m not sure if she’s talking about the game or life.

She places her hand in the middle. “Spear them with our snakes on three.”

CHEETAH

This is the most edge-of-your-seat, exciting game of softball I’ve ever watched. I take in my surroundings. The stands were half full at their first game three months ago, and now they’re packed to the gills. There are both Cougars and Anacondas signs everywhere in town. It’s so awesome.

I still can’t take my eyes off Kamryn. The tight pants and those Princess Leia hair muffs never fail to send my dick into overdrive. And then there are the constant purple bubbles. She’s effortlessly sexual. Every single thing she says and does. I wish she’d give me a second chance. I can’t even look at other women. No one does it for me like she does, even when she’s being cold to me.

I’m wearing myK. Hart, number nine jersey, along with my cowboy hat. I’m holding out hope that one day she’ll want to ride this cowboy again.

Before the game started, Layton, Ezra, Quincy, and I all removed our shirts to reveal a huge continuous anaconda painted across all our chests. The tongue is on me. Harper was laughing hysterically when I rolled my belly, making the tongue move with it. She’s so freakin’ cute.

We’re down one run in the bottom of the last inning. My heart is pounding so hard. I want them to win this game to send it to a decisive game five down in Miami. Unfortunately, we’ll play at the same time as them, so we won’t be able to watch it, but I want this for them. They deserve it.

Arizona and Bailey are on base with one out when Kamryn makes her way to the batter’s box. They start playing her walkup song “Save a Horse [Ride a Cowboy]”. Harper and I are dancing to the music, though we’re holding hands because we’re both so nervous. I hear Tanner tell Harper that Kamryn is the best hitter in the league. This is who they want up to bat in a big situation.

My chest swells with pride. Kamrynisthe best hitter in the league. She’s so fucking awesome.

I take Harper’s hand and cover my eyes. I can’t watch. She giggles as we all stand and clap for what we hope will be a big moment.

After the first pitch is called for ball one, the second pitch comes in and Kam smacks it for what will likely be a double to the left-center gap. Arizona easily scores to tie the game. It should move Bailey, the winning run, to third base.

Suddenly, the third base coach inexplicably sends Bailey home. What is she doing? Bailey will be out. We all look at each other in bewilderment.

If it’s possible for twenty thousand people to collectively hold their breath, that’s what’s happening. The ball beatsBailey to home plate by a mile, but she does some sort of Olympic-worthy gymnastics somersault up and over the catcher and then slides in safely across home plate. Game over. Anacondas win on a walk-off double by Kamryn and a Cirque du Soleil move by Bailey.

Kam lifts her hands in the air in victory as the dugout empties and piles on top of her. She’s the big hero.

Kam is now being interviewed by every news channel. She tries to pull Bailey into the interviews, calling her the real hero, but Bailey is content to let Kamryn shine. Bailey hates the limelight. Kam was born for it.

I can’t tear my eyes away from her as she makes every newsperson interviewing her laugh with her larger-than-life personality. Fuck, I’ve got it so bad for her.

We’re waiting on the field for them to finish interviews and other postgame business. Harper and I do a little dance number while we wait.

Bailey makes her way to Harper. Their mutual affection is more than apparent. I notice Tanner running his eyes up and down Bailey’s body. Hmm. Interesting. Layton mentioned that he thinks Tanner has a thing for Bailey. Perhaps we should talk to Tanner about it. Bailey is an awesome chick. Maybe she could bring Tanner out of his self-imposed post-divorce funk. It’s been over four years. It’s time.

Kam is giving what appears to be her last interview. I make my way over to her and tip my cowboy hat. “Howdy, ma’am. I’m a cowboy offering riding services.”

Without hesitation, she jumps on my back and shouts, “Yeehaw.”

The reporter laughs and asks, “Are you two an item?”

I wink at her. “Not yet.”

Kam answers, “Not ever.”

The girls playin Miami tonight for the decisive fifth game. We have a game, but management said if the Anacondas are winning, they’ll momentarily stop our game and play the last out on the big screen.

That’s exactly what happens. Our game is stopped as we all, and I mean all players and all forty thousand fans, have our eyes glued to the big screen.

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