Page 31 of Off Season

She wiggles the bottom of her feet at me. “Nope. All clear.”

“I guess you got #LaidByLayton?” That hashtag is always trending with the skanks of Instagram.

She gives me a mischievous smile. One I haven’t seen from her in a long time. “Nope. He got #AttackedByArizona.”

It’s good to see her like this. “Look who’s back. ArizonafuckingAbbott, ladies and gentlemen.”

She’s glowing in a way I haven’t seen since before her failedengagement.Wellbefore her failed engagement. I’m so happy for her.

I play ignorant. “Who was Layton rooming with?”

“Cheetah. The fucker watched us have sex. I think he was jerking off to it.” She bites her lip. “Honestly, it was kind of hot. I’ve never been watched before. I’m not saying I want to make a habit of it, and Layton tried his best to keep me covered, but I definitely got off on it. Do you think that’s weird?”

“Fuck no. It’s hot as hell. In fact, if there’s a job opening, I’d love to watch you guys have sex sometime too. You’re both so damn sexy. I bet the sex is smokin’.”

She giggles. “Not happening. Nice try.”

After a few dayson the road, we’re finally on the way to the airport to fly home. Though my flight anxiety really kicks in when we board the plane, it sometimes revs up once we arrive at the airport. I need a distraction and often get it by pranking my sister. Embarrassing her at airports has become a bit of a team joke at this point. I’m always researching new ways to humiliate her, and I’ve been sitting on this one all week. With our outbound flight being delayed, I decided to save it for the return trip to optimize the number of people at the airport.

Given how much I like to slip things into her carry-on bags that she takes through security, Bailey now checks her bags thoroughly before we leave the hotel. I have to discreetly slip things into her bag on the bus ride.

I motion to Arizona to distract Bailey, and she nods before turning to Bails. “How is it going with Tanner Montgomery?”

Bailey’s whole face lights up. “Great. I adore Harper. She’s so much fun. And so damn smart. She’s the smartest kid I’ve ever been around.”

I give a mock gasp. “Smarter than I was? Can she do calculusat seven years old? I could.” That’s a slight exaggeration, but not too far off.

Bailey raises her eyebrow. “No calculus, but her vocabulary is amazing. She has word-of-the-day toilet paper and learns a new crazy word every day. She always remembers them and then uses them appropriately in sentences. It blows my mind.”

“Give me an example of one.”

She twists her lips as she thinks. “Hmm. She had a good one last week. Noctivagant.”

I narrow my eyes at her. “You’re trying to stump me. Even if I don’t know a word, I can figure it out. It’s the one perk of having taken Latin for so many years. Nox means night, and vagus means wandering. I’m guessing it has to do with night wandering. Someone like me who doesn’t sleep and gets shit done at night.”

She scrunches her face. “Fuck, I hate how smart you are. It’s annoying. Mr. Montgomery is the same way. He knowseverysingle word. He hasn’t missed one yet. He’s incredible.”

“Does he know you have a daddy fetish too? That you want him to stick his bald-headed giggle stick into your Mary-Ellen?”

She rolls her eyes at me. “Where do you come up with this shitake?”

She now substitutes all curse words to force herself to not use any in front of Harper.

“Urban Dictionary is my bible.”

She sighs. “No doubt.” She then turns back to Arizona and talks more about how much she’s enjoying Harper and Harper’s two best friends, Andie and Dylan. How they remind her of our group of friends.

While she’s distracted, I slip a little something into her bag. She’s going to freak out at me. I love it.

Once we’re at the airport, I make sure to get through security a few people ahead of her. I then quickly pull out my phone and press the necessary buttons to effectuate my plan.

Just as Bailey’s bag enters the security scanner, where she can no longer access it, I hit the final button, and the sounds of awoman orgasming ring loudly in her bag. She dives for it but it’s too late. It’s already in the x-ray machine. While all eyes move to her, hers snap toward me as I simply stand there smiling while videotaping the whole scene.

She yells out, “Kamryn Sarah Hart, what did you do?”

The whole team starts laughing as the sounds of sex continue playing loudly. The TSA agents are scrambling to get her bag through as quickly as possible. There are a hundred people staring at Bailey, who’s beet red in mortification.

The bag eventually emerges on the other side, and the TSA agent quickly grabs it before unzipping the bag. She pulls out the Bluetooth speaker I snuck into it. The sounds of ecstasy increase in volume as she scrambles to turn it off to a sea of laughter.

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