Page 144 of Off Season

“How much time?” I ask. “I’m not known for my patience.”

He drops his eyes to the ground as he simply shrugs. “I don’t know, Kamryn. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be okay with this.” He looks back up at me with tears filling his eyes. “You broke my fucking heart.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is always what I feared getting in too deep with him. Hurting him. It’s the last thing in the world I want. He doesn’t deserve it. Why does it feel like my heart is breaking too?

I whisper, “I’m so sorry.”

His shoulders fall. “Just leave me alone.” His normally happy blue eyes have tears now trickling from them. “I feel like I’m always the one giving in thisflingationship. When is it my turn to receive? I’m always the one fighting for you. You know what,Kamryn? I think I’m finally fresh out of fight. You win. Game over.”

I swallow down my emotions and nod. “I just don’t think I can give you what you want.”

“What is it you think I want?”

“I saw the way you looked at Gemma, Trey, and Fletcher in Florida. You want the happy, married, family life.”

He takes a few long breaths. “You think you know what I want, but you don’t. I didn’t ask for any of that.” He looks down and then back up at me. “You know what would be nice? What I do want?”

“What?”

“I want you to care about my needs the way I care about yours. I’ve watchedTitanicfifty times in the past year. How many times have you watchedStar Wars? Let me answer that for you. None. I’m single handedly supporting the dark chocolate industry. I’ve gone to your fondue restaurant, the one you know I hate, three times. How many times have you been willing to eat Indian food with me? Let me answer that for you. None. I don’t ask for much, Kamryn, but if you care, a little give now and then wouldn’t hurt.”

He wipes the tears streaming down his face and steels his face. “I’m sorry I broke your fucking rule and fell in love with you. You’ll be extremely satisfied to know that it was the worst mistake of my life. Lovingyouis the worst mistake of my life.”

I stand in stunned silence as he walks through the doors into his locker room.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

KAMRYN

Ihaven’t moved an inch since he walked away. He’s right about everything. He gives, and I take. No matter what we are and aren’t, that’s not fair to him.

I can’t manage to make myself leave, so I pace some more with my mind spinning on every axis possible. The past year plays in my head like a movie.

Every single thing we’ve been through together. Every tear. Every laugh. Every intimate moment. Every thoughtful thing he’s done. There are too many to count.

He’s right. He gives and gives to me. Pushes me.Loves me. What have I done for him? Nothing.

I’ve never hated myself more than I do at this very moment, and that’s saying something because I’ve spent a good part of the past eighteen years hating myself.

Tears freefall down my face. What the fuck have I done? I feel like I’m losing my best friend. The agony is nearly unbearable. I feel it in my heart. I’ve never felt pain like this before. Real physical pain in my chest. This must have been what Bailey feltwhen Tanner hurt her all those months ago. What Ripley felt when she moved away.

I eventually get to the point where I realize the truth. It’s been staring me in the face for a long time, but I didn’t want to see it.

He’s right about the fact that he’s always the one fighting for me and for us. Maybe it’s time for me to return the favor.

Fuck this, I’m going into the locker room. There’s nothing in there I haven’t seen before.

I push through the doors and see a handful of guys standing by their lockers in a half-dressed state. They’re staring at me like I’m crazy. Maybe I am.

I walk through the massive space until I hear the sounds of the showers and loud chatter. I poke my head in and see almost the entire team in a huge communal shower. There must be twenty showerheads. Guys really use communal showers? I thought that was a movie-created thing. So fucking weird. Girls would never do that.

I see Cheetah at the very end, slightly removed from the group. They seem to be giving him a little space. His back is to me, and his hands are on the wall with his head down. The water runs down the strong muscles of his bare back.

I pace again for another minute or two as I wait for him. My hands are practically twitching. Once again, I think, fuck this. I’m not waiting for another second.

CHEETAH

I can hear all the guys engaging in their normal banter in the shower. At least they’re trying to normalize things for me, but I’m a million miles away.

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