Page 39 of Off Season

When she returns, she asks, “Were you wearing heels?”

“No. I was naked as the day I was born, as was he. Did you get the pictures I sent?”

“Umm, yes. They’re inconclusive.”

“I filled out the damn thirty pages of information online. I gave you everything you asked for. Now get me my new bed.”

She sighs. “Kamryn, I’m not sure the warranty will cover a new bed.”

“Listen, bitch, I know my rights. I can fucking read my warranty policy. Chapter eighteen, subsection D, roman numeral four specifically states that if the waterbed pops during appropriate bedtimeactivities, it’s covered. Activities are defined in the appendix as sleeping, lying, sitting, reading, sexual intercourse, and a few other irrelevant items. I specifically asked you when I bought the waterbed about rough sex. You laughed while you said, and I quote,no one has ever had sex rough enough for a waterbed to pop. Well, welcome to the motherfucking exception. I expect my new waterbed to arrive within a week.”

Again, it sounds like she’s talking to someone else, but the phone is muffled. Eventually, she says into the phone, “Does next Tuesday early in the morning work for delivery?”

I smile in satisfaction. “It sure does. Let me know if you need a photo of my face for your waterbed-popping wall of fame. I get paid to promote products, but for you, I’ll do it for free.”

I end the call with a big, satisfied grin on my face. Bailey looks at me. “You’re mighty happy with yourself right now, aren’t you?”

“Fuck yes I am.”

She zips up her bag. “I’m heading to the Montgomerys’s. I’ll see you at practice tomorrow morning, Joan of Arc.”

Our apartment needs major repairs. While that happens, Arizona offered us her bed. She’s staying at Layton’s place. After sleeping with me for one night, Bailey asked Tanner if she could stay in his guest room ahead of our road trip this week. He was fine with it, so she’s staying there.

“Are you staying in McZaddy Tanner’s bed?”

“Of course not. The house is enormous. It has a million bedrooms. I won’t even be on the same floor as him and Harper.”

“Whatever you say. Are you coming to the Cougars’ game tonight?”

She shakes her head. “I can’t. Mr. Montgomery is working late. I have Harper. It’s supposed to storm. Be careful.”

“Yes, Mom.”

“Speaking of parents, have you spoken to Daddy lately?”

“Not since our last FaceTime together. We texted though. Why?”

She shrugs. “Not sure. Something is off with him.”

“Something has been off with him for as long as I can remember. If you were married to that psychotic drunk witch, you’d be fucked up too.”

Her shoulders fall. “We haven’t seen her in ten years, Kam. Do you think maybe it’s time to mend fences? They won’t be around forever.”

I pinch my eyebrows together. “Are you fucking nuts? Bails, Mom is a pill-popping, raging alcoholic. She’s fucked up more times than I can count. And she won’t get help. It’s not like I cared for her when she was sober, but I wouldneverremotely consider any type of reconciliation unless she got clean and came apologizing to us on her hands and knees. Do you realize she’s never once seen either of us play ball? How fucked up is that?”

After our father finally intervened, we quit acting for good at twelve. We went to a regular public school and were able to play sports and participate in other activities of our choosing. We got to be the “normal” kids we always wanted to be, but our mother hated it.

Bailey answers, “That’s not true. She came a few times.”

“Plastered. She came plastered. She once drove her car straight onto the field and almost killed three kids, you included. I don’t know how Daddy kept her out of jail on that one.”

She twists her lips. “That’s true. I think he told them she mixed up her meds.”

“Her cocktail of meds would kill most cattle. It’s amazing she’s upright, assuming she still is.”

Once we quit acting, I think our mother lost her sense of purpose. She started hitting the bottles, both alcohol and painkillers. I don’t remember a day from the time we were twelve through us leaving for college that she wasn’t drinking at least one bottle of vodka a day, along with popping pills like they were Tic Tacs. Our father tried to get her help, but she wouldn’t do it. Andhe wouldn’t report anything to child protective services for fear of losing us. He had to be both our mother and our father for years, all while working long hours at a shitty job that he was way too smart for. He would never have had to get a job like that if she hadn’t trapped him with her pregnancy. She’s a soul-sucking piece of shit.

The list of embarrassing, horrific, and crazy things she did is a long one. The highlights include her accidentally setting the house on fire when Bailey and I were asleep upstairs, crashing her car into our kitchen, killing my dog, and the final straw for Bailey, showing up to our high school graduation completely fucked up and making a hugely embarrassing scene that I don’t think Bailey and I will ever get over.

---