Page 23 of Off Season

Me: Good night, kitten.

Kitten: Sweet dreams, Kam bam.

I’mon the couch working on my laptop when my sister wakes up and sleepily walks out of her room. She stretches and yawns, “Morning.”

I lift my head and turn it to her. “Did you know that semen is low in calories?”

She twists her lips. “Hmm. Is that your way of telling me that we’re having semen for breakfast today?”

I let out a laugh. “Not today. There are a bunch of sliced pineapples on the kitchen table.” We’ve been eating pineapples in mass quantity since I discovered that it’s supposed to make the taste of your vajayjay better when someone goes down on you.

“Thanks. What are you up to today?”

“Not much. What about you?”

“I’m heading over to the Montgomerys’s house.”

Bailey just started nannying for the famous sports agent Tanner Montgomery. He’s a single father to a seven-year-old daughter. I think she already has a crush on him.

“How’s your zaddy doing?”

She rolls her eyes. “He’s just my boss. Nothing else.”

“Bull-fucking-shit. I know you have a crush on him. You’ve always been into older men. Hell, you saw an older guy on the television the other day and were salivating. I had to tell you it was for a Depends ad.”

She lets out a laugh as she makes her way to the kitchen and yells back, “That guy was, like, forty-five. He didn’t need Depends.”

I shout back, “Try seventy-five.” Okay, maybe he was only sixty, but it was still funny that she was so into a guy in a Depends ad.

She walks back in with a few pineapple slices in hand. “I’ll admit Mr. Montgomery is handsome for an older man.”

I nod. “Fuck yes. I internet stalked him. He’s McZaddy.”

She giggles and mumbles, “Truth.” She nods toward my laptop. “Did you sleep at all?”

I bite my lip. She hates it that I don’t sleep. “Maybe an hour or so. I just don’t need as much sleep as regular people.”

“What do you do on your laptop all night?”

Besides what happened that night in the studio when we were ten, this is probably the only secret I’ve ever kept from my sister. I’m not ready to tell her about it just yet.

I twist my lips and come up with something believable. “I watch a lot of porn and get myself off.”

“Do you watch girl porn or guy porn?” she asks.

“Depends on my mood.” I wiggle my eyebrows. “Sometimes both at the same time. Thatreallygets me going.”

Our conversation is cut short by a knock at our door. I get up to answer it, assuming it’s going to be Ripley or Arizona, but it’s Justin, our redheaded, nerdy neighbor from across the hallway.

His eyes widen and then move up and down my body. I’m in panties, no bra, and a T-shirt that just barely reaches my waist. Whatever. I’m wearing more than a bathing suit.

He starts physically shaking with nerves. “G…g…good morning, Kamryn.”

I give him a sexy smile because it will probably be the only time a woman ever smiles at him in his life. “Hey, handsome. What can I do for you?”

He hands me a plate of something covered in aluminum foil that smells good. “I made pineapple muffins. I know how much you love pineapples. I see you buying them all the time.”

Oookay. Sort of creepy that he knows about my purchasing habits.

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