Page 22 of Off Season

I decide to fuck with him and type back.

Me: I know a lot of cheetahs. None of whom I’ve given my telephone number to. You’ll have to be more specific. Maybe something only one individual cheetah would know.

Unknown: This Cheetah knows that you’re a vagitarian.

I can’t help but laugh.

Me: Hmm. Not true. I like a meaty burger too.

Unknown: Meaty burgers are good for you. You know what I don’t like about Philly?

Me: What?

Unknown: There’s no In and Out Burger. I guess that means I’ll have to go in and out of you.

Me: Ohhhh, I only know one cheetah with cheesy pickup lines. A cheetah who recently sent me a very tight, youth-sized jersey with his name on the back. This must be Cruz Gonzales. I have you in my contacts as kitten.

I don’t, but I will in a second.

Kitten: I bet I can make you purr like a kitten.

Me: No easy task, especially for men. Where are you?

Kitten: On the toilet. Just letting you know you’re my number one while I make a number two.

Me: So romantic. Every woman dreams of a man saying things like that to her.

Kitten: I know. I do my best work on this toilet. Why are youawake?

Me: I rarely sleep.

Kitten: Why?

Me: Because I’m busy washing my hair.

Kitten: Are you in the shower now? FaceTime me if you are.

Me: Whoops. Just got out. Sorry.

Kitten: Damn! Are you liking Philly?

Me: I think I like it better than Chicago.

Kitten: Why?

Me: I don’t have to see the Chicago Bulls logo anymore. It’s all over the place in Chi-town. Have you ever looked at that sucker upside down? It looks like a robot defiling a crab.

It’s silent for a few minutes. He’s definitely googling the logo and turning it upside down.

Kitten: Holy. Fucking. Shit. You’re right.

Me: I know. I usually am.

Kitten: You just blew my mind.

Me: My blowing skills are often praised.

Kitten: I’m willing to give a firsthand evaluation whenever you’re up for it.

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