Page 170 of Off Season

I do my best to choke down my emotions. That means more to me than she realizes.

An hour later,I’m at Kelly Drive, standing on the shoreline of the Schuylkill River. Kelly Drive is a nearly nine-mile loop around the river where people walk, run, bike, eat, and do all other kinds of recreational activities. In nicer weather, many people spend time here. It’s a unique spot in the city, with the famous Philly Art Museum sitting at the very end, overlooking the water.

I see my father and Bailey approach. My father looks happier and healthier than he has in years. He’s sporting a nice tan. For Christmas, I bought him and Ray a two-week Mediterranean cruise. I’ve never been prouder of a gift in my entire life.

They just returned a few weeks ago. My father said it was the best two weeks of his life. He’s in town now for Bailey’s wedding.

They both smile as they notice the pile of smooth stones I’ve assembled. Our father taught us how to skip stones on the water when we were little girls. It was often our quiet time away from the insanity of our mother, and we cherished it.

My father tentatively peeks over the edge into the water. “Is it safe?”

I let out a laugh. “No gators in Philly, Dad.” Fresh water in Florida is full of them.

We spend a few minutes throwing the stones and letting them skip across the water. Bailey and I are much better at this now than he is. It was always the opposite when we were little girls.

Bailey eventually grabs my hand. “Why are we here, Kam?”

I point toward the bench. “I want to talk to you both. Let’s sit.”

We do, and I try to swallow down all the emotions that feel inevitable.

My eyes toggle between the two of them. “For the past year, I’ve been seeing a therapist to try to overcome some of my issues.”

Tears immediately well in Bailey’s eyes. “When? Where?”

“Electronically. My sessions are via video. She’s always flexible around my schedule.”

“Is that what you do all night?” she asks.

I shake my head. “No. We’ll get to that. It’s not that hard to find an hour each week to talk to Dr. Pearl. That’s her name.”

My father pinches his lips together. “I think it’s great. I’m proud of you.”

“Wait until you hear what I have to say before you declare that.”

He gives me a small smile in acknowledgment, but says, “I’m proud no matter what.”

“She said something in one of our sessions that resonated with me. She said depression is when you’re worried about the past, anxiety is when you’re worried about the future, and happiness is when you’re living in the moment. I’ve spent most of my life toggling between the first two. Yes, I sometimes live in the moment, but I want to work toward letting go of the first two and focusing on happiness. It starts with me telling you two a few things I’ve kept hidden for a long time.”

They both nod. I ask Bailey if she remembers that night when our mother told us we were about to be in a post-Super Bowl television show that never happened. She says she has a vague recollection but mostly remembers that as the time period when I completely soured on our mother. It’s so interesting that a night impacted my entire life yet is barely a blip on her radar. I suppose that means I’ve done my job all these years of protecting her.

I tell them what I heard as they make no attempt to contain the look of shock on their faces. “I admit that I couldn’t hear the whole conversation, but I know phrases likeKamryn is too strong-willed,andBailey will be more amenableleft Mom’s mouth. I alsoknow that the director responded with something along the lines ofBeverly, you’d sell your soul to the devil to get your girls to appear in my next project. That’s very real. And then Mom pulled only me away from the room, and the director was entering the room where Bails was alone.”

My father openly sobs into his hands before apologizing over and over again that he never knew and never thought she’d take it that far. Bailey is shaking all over. I think she’s in shock. I want to keep her calm. She’s pregnant, after all.

I rub her back. “I know you’ve thought for all these years that I was selfish.”

“I never—”

I hold up my hands. “Let me finish. I made you play softball. I made you come to college with me. I made you follow me into professional ball. I made you follow me to Philly. I need you to finally understand that it wasn’t about me per se. It was about you. The anxiety I’ve felt since that night is very real. This all-encompassing need to keep you safe is real. I know you’re an adult and can handle yourself, but you’re also so pure-hearted. You only see the good in people. I couldn’t live with myself if something bad happened to you. I’m so fucking sorry if you feel like I’ve held you back from anything in your life you’ve wanted to do. I promise that I won’t do that anymore. It’s your life to live as you please. The days of me manipulating things to keep you close are over. I swear to you.”

She throws her arms around my neck as her voice cracks, “Kam, I can’t believe all this. I can’t believe you kept it bottled up inside. I’m so sorry if I’ve ever made you feel bad that I wasn’t living the life I wanted to live. That’s not true at all. I’m exceedingly happy with my life. I hope you know that. It’s because of you. I see the good in people because you’ve always protected me from the bad. You didn’t hold me back. You’re my savior.”

Tears spill from both our eyes. I wipe her tears from her face. “Fuck, I shouldn’t make you cry right before your wedding. You’llhave puffy eyes. At least you’ll probably look closer to Daddy Tanner’s age now.”

She lets out a laugh as she sniffles and tries to wipe away more of her tears. “Bullshit. I’m gonna be a hot bride.”

I nod. “That’s for sure. Just wait until you see our entrances.”

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