Page 121 of Off Season

I shake my head. “No. I don’t sleep because I have nightmares about something she did, not because I longed to have my mother back in my life or was sad that she wasn’t a part of it. I’m damaged by the things she did to me and my sister. That’s what I’d love to one day get past so I can consider a more normal life.”

Figuring I’m here for one reason, I go on to tell her about that day when I was ten. She attempts to mask her shock and disgust, but I see it. It’s there. How could it not be?

“And you’re sure that you overheard things as you mentioned?”

“Yes. I’ve questioned it a lot throughout the years because sometimes my nightmares take on a different form, a different version of that night, but the core events happened as I stated. I’m absolutely certain that I heard those parts of the conversation just as I relayed them to you. I went back and found that man about to go into my sister’s dressing room. There’s no good reason for a grown man to be alone in a dressing room with a ten-year-old girl.”

“And you’ve never shared what happened that night with your sister, father, or anyone else, even after all these years?”

“My father and sister don’t know. I never told them.”

“Why?” She looks down at the folder. “You’ve indicated that you’re close with both, particularly your sister. Why haven’t you confided in them?”

I twist my lips. “I didn’t tell my sister to protect her. Why should she suffer the same fate as me? The same nightmares and anxiety. As for my father…I guess I’m not sure why I never told him. I suppose I was afraid he wouldn’t believe me.”

“Is that an issue? Him not believing you?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“In all these years, you haven’t told another living soul? That’s a lot to bear.”

I blow out a breath as Cheetah’s face pops into my mind. “The only person before today that I’ve ever spoken to about it isthe man I occasionally spend time with, and that was recently. He’s the one who found you and suggested I reach out.”

“Is he your boyfriend?”

Isn’t that a loaded question.

I pinch my lips together. “I don’t do boyfriends or girlfriends. Not in over a decade. I want to shoot straight with you, Dr. Pearl. That’s why I’m here. I’ve always lived a promiscuous lifestyle. I sleep around with men and women. A lot. Interpersonal connections are not something I’m interested in. I struggle with them.”

“Do you have friends?”

I nod. “Yes. I have an amazing circle of friends, and as you know, my sister is my best friend in the world.”

“So you don’t struggle across the board with interpersonal connections. You struggle with intimate connections.”

I’m not sure if that’s a statement or a question. “I suppose that’s a better word choice. Intimacy is hard for me. I don’t like to let people in, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone since I don’t think a normal, traditional family is in my future.”

“Yet this man cares enough to have searched for me, and you heeded his advice by contacting me?”

I kind of like that she’s challenging me. I’m not sure what I was expecting from today, but this isn’t it.

I nod in agreement. “I know. He’s my friend too. Yes, I’ve seen him more than most, but I’ve always been clear about what we can and can’t be. He understands my inner turmoil more than anyone. It’s not like I have this strong desire to be fucked up.”

“We’re all fucked up in our own ways, Kamryn. Me included.”

Hearing someone who appears prim and proper curse strikes me as funny.

The corners of her mouth turn up in obvious amusement. “See, you assumed that someone who looks like me would never curse, yet I just did.”

I smile and nod.

She scribbles something on her pad before looking back up at me. “Let’s save our chat about him for another day. I want to know why you’re here. In your own words, not why someone else thinks you need to be here. What do you hope to gain?”

I take another deep breath. “Honestly? I’m not sure I know the answer myself. He got me to admit something recently that I had never considered. He was pushing and pushing until I blurted out that I sleep around to numb the pain. Until that moment, in my mind, I’d always felt I do it because I like the freedom it brings. I don’t see myself with a normal future. I never have.”

“That’s the third time you’ve used that word. What is it you thinknormalentails?”

“Marriage. Kids. The whole fucking princess fairy tale that’s been shoved down our throats by society for all of time.”

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