Page 120 of Off Season

I simply turn my head and stoically respond, “Right. My bad. I knew what we were.”

I can feel her get out of bed and hear her starting to get dressed. I snap my head. “What are you doing?”

“You have an early flight, and I’ve got a test to study for. I’m going to head out.” She leans over and kisses my cheek. “Thanks for a fun few months. This was my favorite off-season ever.”

KAMRYN

Yep, I was a fucking asshole last night. He deserved more than the cool send-off I gave him. I did it for him. He should fuck whoever he wants, and I knew he wouldn’t if I asked for more. I’m not sure I’m ready to give more, so how can I ask that of him? I’m too fucked up. He’s such a great guy. I truly want him to find someone who can give him all the things I’m incapable of giving him or anyone else.

I’ve thought a lot about our conversations over the past few months. It felt good to open up to someone for the first time in my life. It was like some of the burdens I’ve carried lightened.

It took several weeks for me to finally work up the courage to set up this appointment, but I did. I decided to wait until Cheetah was gone for Spring Training. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel about it, and I don’t want him around asking questions and pushing me to talk about things I’m not sure I want to talk about.

Yes, I understand that it’s because he cares, but I need to do this on my own. I need to fix myself before I can ever consider making myself available to anyone. The fact that it’s even crossing my mind is progress for me.

The last thing I want is to string him along. If he finds someone else in the meantime, so be it.

My sister is tied up in all things Tanner Montgomery right now. She finally started giving me details about their relationship.She’s in love with him, and I’m terrified of what that means. She told me he doesn’t ever want to get married again or have more kids. She assured me that she can handle casual if that’s truly what he wants, but she thinks he wants more, and I’m scared for her. This is headed toward heartbreak. I can feel it.

I’ve done a few modeling shoots this off-season, but nothing too crazy. With my sister out of the house so much, Cheetah now gone, and Ripley and Arizona in California, it’s leaving me time for school and to focus on myself.

My sister is at Tanner’s house when I open my laptop and click on the Zoom link at the allocated time. A woman in her fifties immediately appears. She’s well put together in nice caramel-colored slacks and a cream-colored cardigan sweater. She’s wearing pearl earrings and a matching pearl necklace. It looks like she raided Barbara Bush’s wardrobe, but she’s attractive, with short dark hair that has a sprinkling of gray interspersed throughout.

It appears as though she’s sitting at a big desk with a bunch of framed degrees hanging in the background. I googled her after Cheetah gave me her name and number. She’s widely considered the best in her field with regard to the specialty of parental abandonment. Her reviews were off the charts. Cheetah researched this thoroughly when finding her for me.

She smiles. “Hi, Kamryn. I’m Dr. Chastity Pearl. Most patients call me Dr. Pearl, but you can call me whatever you want as long as it’s something nice.”

I let out a small laugh. Dr. Pearl has a little personality. I like that. “Hi, Dr. Pearl. I’m Kamryn Hart.” My hands fidget a bit. “I’m…umm…a little nervous about this.”

She gives me a reassuring smile. “That’s perfectly okay. Everyone feels that way at the beginning. I just want to get to know you today and for you to get to know me. Have you ever spoken with a therapist before?”

I shake my head. “No. Never.”

“Well, you’ve taken a very brave step in being here. I commend you for that. I understand that you’re a professional athlete?”

I nod. “Yes, I play softball for the Philly Anacondas.”

Her face lights up. “I did a little research. You’re quite an impressive young lady. Many personal and team accomplishments. Everything I read says you’re a shoo-in for the next Olympic team. That must be fulfilling.”

“It is. Softball has always been my happy place.”

“Have you played your whole life?”

I can’t help but shiver at the memories of what it took to finally be allowed to play softball. “No, I didn’t start until middle school.” I tell her everything about how our mother forced us into modeling and how it left little time for the things we wanted to do.

She listens intently before placing a file down and picking up a notepad and pen. “I read through all your intake forms, but why don’t you tell me in your own words why we’re here and what you hope to gain.”

I exhale a long breath as I consider an answer. “You know from my answers that I had a severely strained relationship with my mother.” I mumble, “More than strained.”

“She’s now passed, right?”

“Yes. It’s been a little over a month.”

“And it had been ten years since you last saw her, correct?”

“Yes. I want to be clear. I’m not here questioning my feelings about her. She was a disgusting person, and I have no remorse over removing her from my life. As far as I’m concerned, that’s the best decision I’ve ever made, and I don’t regret it at all. Even after her death, I don’t regret not mending fences. Those fences fucking blew away in the storm and were beyond repair.”

She pinches her eyebrows together before flipping open a file as if she’s looking for something. “Yet I see here that you’re an insomniac. Do you think there’s some part of you that wishes you had made peace with her before she passed?”

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