Page 111 of Off Season

So weird that she won’t tell me anything.

She randomly starts searching my body. She lifts the bottom of my sweater and inspects my bare stomach and back. She then pulls up my sleeves to continue her meticulous inspection.

“What are you looking for? I didn’t smuggle any diamonds if that’s what you’re after.”

“I thought for sure that your first time away from me, you’d get a tattoo.”

“Ha! I only say that I want one sometimes to fuck with you.In the words of the super famous attorney, Kim Kardashian,you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Bentley.”

Bailey giggles. “That’s a good one. Wait, she’s an attorney?”

I nod. “Allegedly. She takes time out of her busy spray tanning and club-promoting schedule to help a few prisoners now and then. I don’t believe she passed the bar though. No way.”

“Truth.” She rubs my back as her face softens. “I understand why you left right after the funeral. I’m really proud of you for being there. Thanks for coming.”

I do my best to act unaffected. “I just wanted to make sure she’s truly worm food. Her soul is burning for all of eternity, but her body has already begun the decomposition process. Her teeth and nails will rot as her cells begin to liquefy—”

She holds up her hands. “Enough. I get it.”

I let out a laugh as she continues, “Well, Daddy and I appreciated the effort. He’s visiting soon. He said he needs to talk to us.”

“Good. Maybe he’ll visit more often now that the witch is gone.”

“Maybe.”

I look at the mess in our kitchen. There are dirty bowls everywhere. “What in the world are you up to?”

“I’m making a cake for Harper’s laser tag birthday party this weekend. She loves my baking skills and begged me to make one for her.”

“How old is she turning, thirty?” Harper is arguably more intelligent than any adult I know.

“Eight.”

My chin drops. “Seriously? She’s only eight? That’s nuts. Can I come to the party?”

She raises an eyebrow. “You want to come to an eight-year-old birthday party? You hate kids.”

“I’m awesome at laser tag though. Those little bitches won’t see me coming.”

She giggles. “Your maturity matches theirs. Arizona will beback in town from LA tomorrow.” She was there for some promotional thing. “She’s coming too. And Tanner’s father will be there. I’m looking forward to meeting him.”

“The OG Daddy Tanner? The Mac Zaddy Daddy? Now I’m definitely coming.”

Her face falls. “You need to behave around the children.”

I smile. “No problem, big sis.”

I hada blast at Harper’s party today. I crushed all the kids at laser tag, winning every round until Bailey pulled me away and wouldn’t let me participate anymore.

Tanner’s father, who I happily called Daddy Stanley all day, is a flat-out handsy deviant. Between him and Grammy Jane, I have a new appreciation for that generation. They certainly put the boom in baby boomers. How did I not know that all old people are horny?

While Tanner and his ex-wife, Fallon, got along well, Daddy Stanley and Fallon’s parents most definitely did not. They were fighting for the whole party. I even had to protect my new bestie, Daddy Stanley, a few times. Mostly because they were making comments about Bailey and Tanner’sinappropriaterelationship. No one trashes my sister and gets away with it.

Bailey was blissfully unaware, and that’s how it will stay. She was too busy playing Mary Poppins to all the kids. It’s truly amazing how good she is with them. I hope she has ten kids one day. Then I’ll fulfill my destiny of being the fun aunt. Hopefully one who’s in better shape than Aunt Maria.

In good news, Arizona shocked us all by telling us that she and Layton secretly got married a few weeks ago. They’re planning a big reception later this year, but they eloped last month. I can’t believe they’re married. They’ve only known each other for six months.

Ripley greeted Arizona at the airport to fill her in about the baby and Ripley’s moving back to California. Arizona was shocked, as were all of us. She’s been trying to get in touch with Quincy, but he’s still off the grid. No one knows where he is or what he’s doing. He has to report to Spring Training next month, so I imagine things will come to a head then, but as expected, Arizona supported Ripley wholeheartedly. They have a sisterly bond that nothing and no one will ever break.

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