Page 108 of Off Season

Grammy Jane grabs right onto the easy setup I gave her. “In this community, it’s one hundred percent. Proud of it.”

I chuckle while Kam asks, “Is it all senior citizens in this community?”

Grammy Jane answers, “Not all, but most.”

Kam questions, “How often do you make it up to Philly?”

Grammy Jane scrunches her face. “Not too often. I don’t go anywhere that the temperature is less than my age, which somehow manages to go up every damn year. I only visit in the summer. I watch a few of Trey’s games and usually get in a dance with Cheetah.” She blows me a kiss.

I nod. “Ooh, you can certainly move, old girl, but now you’re my number two favorite dance partner.”

I’ve got a new number one girl, and her name is Kamryn Hart.

KAMRYN

I’m folded over, belly laughing. Grammy Jane and her friends are officially the funniest people on the planet.

We’re sitting at the pool with Grammy Jane, her much younger boyfriend, Marvin, married couple Millie and Mortimer, both well into their eighties, and a hilarious woman named Happy. Happy’s boyfriend, Samuel, had to go home for a nap after drinking too much too quickly. She told him not to spank the monkey when he got home, and then, in what was possibly the biggest overshare of all time, whispered to me that he can only come once a day, and she wants him to save it for her.

I’m madly in love with these people. Now I know why Cheetah loves it here. And there are so many dogs. As terrible as I am with kids, that’s how good I am with dogs. I think it’s because I’m allowed to curse in front of them. Every single dog here has spent time on my lap today, regardless of size. It’s like I died and went to dog heaven.

Grammy Jane looks exactly like what Gemma will look like in fifty years. They share the same gorgeous green eyes and darker hair, though Grammy Jane’s is mostly gray now. Happy has a gray bob, Millie has a dark bun that she likely colors, and Mortimer is bald with a belly that Millie loves to rub.

We’re all at least three or four drinks in while the music plays, dogs run free, and everyone is having a great time. It’s one big party, and apparently they do it every day. I sort of want to live here.

They’re talking about a man Happy used to date, who she says was good in the sack but not otherwise very good for her. Grammy Jane has not hidden her contempt for him and said, “Hewas a Floridiot. Just because it’s good for your hole doesn’t mean it’s good for your soul.”

Cheetah and I spit our drinks in laughter. Gemma smiles as she rolls her eyes. “Grammy Jane, you are truly one of a kind.” She turns to me. “I swear, half the one-liners in my books come from her.” She pulls out her phone and starts typing. “In fact, that line will slot nicely into my next book. As will her made-up word, Floridiot, which happens to accurately describe a lot of people down here.” She lifts her eyes until they meet mine. “Grammy Jane gets the biggest kick out of seeing her lines in my books. I think she plans out when to drop them on me to best ensure they’ll be used.”

“Your grandmother reads your books?” I ask in complete shock. I haven’t read them, but my sister is obsessed with her books and has shared that there are a lot of dirty scenes. I know Cheetah has read all of them too.

He nods. “I can totally tell which lines are yours when I read the books, Grammy Jane. You have a brilliant, dirty mind. I want to be like you when I grow up.”

She smiles and winks at him.

Just then, a man who must be younger than this group by at least twenty years comes by. He’s got a full head of dark, perfectly combed hair. He places his hands on Grammy Jane’s shoulders and smiles. “How are the cool kids doing on this beautiful day?”

Without giving it a second thought, Grammy Jane removes his hands. “Jack, we’ve discussed this. You should only touch a woman when invited.”

“I’m just waiting for you to invite me to sit with you.”

She waves her hand like she’s shooing him away. “That’s not likely to happen. Move along.”

His shoulders fall, and he walks away while Gemma’s eyes widen. “What the hell? That was so rude, Grammy Jane. That’s not like you at all.”

Grammy Jane scrunches her face. “I don’t like him. He’s acreep. I’ve asked him for years to stop touching me. A woman, even one as flexible as me, can only bend so far before she breaks.”

Happy nods enthusiastically. “He’s been hitting on Jane for years. Won’t take no for an answer. And he truly does always find ways to touch her.” She makes a look of disgust.

I get that. It drives me nuts too. Why do men think they can do that?

Grammy Jane shrugs. “What can I say? I’m a magnet for younger men.”

Marvin places his arm around her shoulders. “Beautiful women attract men of all ages. None more beautiful than you.” He kisses her cheek. So cute.

Grammy Jane smiles. “I don’t need much at my age, but I do need a gentleman. Being one isn’t that hard. Hold her hand while you’re out, and hold her hair while you’re in.”

Our whole table erupts in laughter. I think Grammy Jane is secretly my grandmother. At least I wish she was.

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