Page 40 of Property of Chaos

I swallow down the shame. The desire to be anything other than myself.

The stool creaks, Chaos’s clothes rustling with his movement.

I refuse to look the devil in the eye.You were a fool for letting him in.I did this to myself, so damn desperate for anyone to pay attention to me that I accepted the covetous eye of a madman.Have I not learned a damn thing?

“Vanessa,” he says softly, far too close to where I stand. “Turn that shit off and look at me.”

“No.”Fuck it.I hyperfocus on the meal to distract from the sting of tears.

“I need you to.”

“I can’t.”Fuck it.My voice wobbles.

His body heat envelops my back, the leather vest brushing against my shirt as a tattooed arm sneaks past my side to twist the dial for the gas off. “Look at me.” Large palms settle on my hips.

My breaths come quicker, my mouth suddenly dry as my entire body stiffens.He can’t touch me.That’s not fair. I never said he could touch me.I’m not ready.

Chaos gently removes his hands, taking a step back.

I turn to find him in the kitchen, palms raised toward me beside his shoulders. “Didn’t mean anything sinister by it.”

“I know you didn’t.”Fuck these tears.I bite my lip to redirect my focus elsewhere. “My brain doesn’t understand that, though.” My smile is more of a grimace than I intend as I point to my head. “It’s a little broken still.”

Make a joke out of it before he does. Laugh away the pain.The silence is unbearable. Why doesn’t he smile, too? Why isn’t he laughing? Agreeing with me?God—just let me die.

A muscle jumps along Chaos’s jawline, his brow low as he stares at me, unblinking. “What did he do to you?”

“It wasn’t always him,” I breathe, grimace sliding from my lips as I drop my gaze to the floor. My hands find purchase on the edge of the counter behind me; the heat radiating off the hot element sears my wrist. I don’t have it in me to move, themild burn a welcome distraction from the self-loathing filling my lungs.

I dare to lift my gaze to the eerily quiet man standing rock solid in the middle of the room. His head is turned toward the door, jaw working back and forth. Chaos draws a deep breath, nostrils flaring as he exhales.

“Please just leave.” My words come so quietly that I’m unsure if he hears me.

His head whips around, a frown pulled deep between his eyes. “Why?”

Because it hurts.I draw a breath, focusing on speaking the words as clearly and steadily as possible. “I write those things in the journal so that I can get the shit out of my head without anybody else knowing how fucked up I am.” He takes a step forward, and I raise my hand to halt him. “It’s hard enough for me to stomach those thoughts when they echo in my head day after day, but seeing their effects on your face? Seeing how it makes you feel about me?” The first tear falls. “It hurts, Chaos. I feel ashamed of who I am, yet who I am is all I have left. Don’t do that to me. Please.”

“You think I judge you?” His brown eye twitches. “That I’m silent because you disgust me?”

“Is that not what’s happening here?” I gesture between us.

He captures my hand mid-flight, tugging me forward. “No.”

I pull back, forcing space between us.

He refuses to release me. “I’m quiet, Vanessa because I’m thinkin’.”

“About what?” I croak.

He studies my face, fingers flexing against my skin, as though he weighs the consequences of telling me the truth.

He’s seen my thoughts. What does it matter if I hear his? Surely it can’t hold a fucking flame to how messed up my shit is.

“Tell me,” I coax.

He wets his lips and then sighs through a scowl. “I wonder who this guy is to you and where the fuck he is now. I consider all the options, like how far would I need to ride to reach this motherfucker? How hard would it be to get to him? Where could I stash this asshole so that nobody could find him and nobody would hear him when I fuckin’ do the things to him you say you don’t want to do yourself.” His upper lip snarls, hand tightening around my wrist. “Most of all, I’m working out what the fuck I need to do to show you that a man’s touch can be good. To give you the fucking pleasure and the release you goddamn need.” He jerks on my arm again, his strength no match for me, as I crash against his chest. “I want to give you every fucking good thing you deny yourself and more, Vanessa. Let me make right every fucking wrong this world has done you.”

“Why?” I breathe, curving my back to force space between us. “What am I to you that you’d care so much?”

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