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Itshould beenough.

I still love being a journalist. That much is a fact. I love writing. I love being editor. I love working with my father. That much hasn’t changed.

“You got quiet,” Holly says as I press my towel to my face.

You’re only having a moment because of what you just witnessed. This is their time, soldier the fuck up!

“I’m just relaxing,” I say. “It’s hot.”

“You asked Damon to be my wingman? Seriously?”

I look over to my best friend as years of their history flits through my mind. The time Max Sutton broke her heart when she was sixteen. Damon showed up as I was comforting her, a pizza and her favorite cupcakes from a local bakery in hand. Damon carrying her across our pasture when she hyperextended her knee after dismounting Percy. Damon’s eyes dimming as she proclaimed she was in love during our first year at UT. He pulled the same move six months later with the pizza and twice the cupcakes when it ended—badly. Holly holding Damon’s hand during his grandmother’s funeral. Not letting go forone secondas he openly grieved her in the rawest state he’s ever been in.

“Holly,” I say softly.

“Yeah, babe?”

“I love you,” I tell her with a watery smile as my chest continues to burn. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss this. All your dreams came true. I’m so proud of you. It might have been a given eventually, but we all know, Uncle Nate included, that youearnedthat paper.”

“Thank you, I needed you to acknowledge that.”

“Babe, you worked so hard for it. You’re going to kick so much ass!”

We clink glasses as I force myself back into the present, trying to remember the quote that I’ve sort of adopted as my motto—‘Don’t seek happiness in the place you lost it.’

But I didn’t lose my happiness in Easton Crowne. I lost my happiness when IlostEaston Crowne. Still, it’s memories of loving him that push me back from progressing. Ironically, as I sit back now, celebrating my accomplishments, I know my progress is severely lacking because I still haven’t budgedpersonally.

Because I can’t. Because I divorced a man who loved me so fiercely, so completely, that I might have destroyed a part of him that trusted enough to allow himself to love that way again. If so, I did a disservice to the women who will love him in the future, because I doubt he will ever open himself as deeply.

Sadly, neither will I.

Then again, it’s Easton. He won’t settle.

Even with our fate sealed, I have to try to live in the moment and every moment after. I have to look around, count my blessings, and be thankful. I’ve paved my way. This is my life and reality, and I’m determined to live it.

As the tequila glides down my throat, I decide to replace my motto with all the others I can summon with the ever-present sting in my chest.

Carpe Diem. Seize this day—Natalie!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life—Natalie!

You are your own captain—Natalie!

SEVENTY

“like i never even loved you”

Today Kid, EL ROMA

Natalie

I’m drunk. And not in the giggly, cute, adorably passable type of way. As it is, I’m close to sloppy, and gauging from the looks being slung my way by my unimpressed bartender Jerry, in danger of possible arrest.

Little doesJerry knowI’m already locked in a Mexican prison, even if it is five-star.

No matter how many bumper sticker slogans I’ve recited to myself today, I lost the battle. So, I dove headfirst into the top-shelf tequila that I’ve been swimming in since Holly left our cabana to prep for the night out.

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