Page 14 of Sinful Attraction

“Most families, through history, most families across the world, put pressure on their kids to get married and have babies. Especially if those kids are girls. Mom and Dad are old-fashioned like that. You can’t expect them to be okay with you dragging your feet on basic things like that.”

“You know, I’m having a hard time believing what I’m hearing,” I mutter. “Maybe I shouldn’t be. Maybe I should have come to expect this out of you, along with everyone else. You’re just a little nicer about it.”

She looks a little nervous now. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that you’re not actually on my side in this. You believe the same things that Mom and Dad do about me and what I should be doing with my life. But instead of trying to shove it down my throat with a crowbar, you do this.”

“Honey,” she says quietly. “Look, it’s not as simple as you’re making it out. But this family does have traditions, and you’re always insisting on going as hard against them as you possibly can. It aggravates Mom, it embarrasses Dad when you do it in public—”

“What does? Being myself? Not having kids yet? Not having found anyone to date who isn’t a douchebag?” She can’t even tell how she’s causing me misery. It’s like we are speaking different types of English to each other. I’m not even that angry at her. If Mom came at me as gently as my sister, I wouldn’t have half my problems with how I’m treated.

“Is that what it is?” She almost looks relieved that myexcusefor not living as a housewife and providing the required grandchildren is something normal and understandable. “Is that why you’re not married yet? You can’t find anybody worth marrying?”

I almost want to cop out and blame it all on that, even though it’s bullshit. No, I can’t find anyone decent to date, but holy shit is that irrelevant. I have a life, talent, dreams, and purpose, just like their sons. Family, love, babies, and all of those things can wait for now until I find someone who is actually worth being with. But the rest of my life can’t wait.

“I don’t know how to explain this in a way you’ll understand,” I say slowly, in a calm voice, like I’m talking to an upset child. “But I have a life and ambitions outside of having babies. I’m seriously considering leaving, going low-contact, and getting a damn job in IT. With my references—”

“You don’t want to do that, sweetie. What are you thinking?” She has an incredulous laugh in her voice that makes me want to slap her. “You don’t want to leave your family!”

“You know, as recently as a year ago, I might have agreed with you. But after all of this bullshit, the humiliation, the nagging, the emotional blackmail, all the insults... I’m done. I really am done. You can’t add your spoonful of sugar to the conversation and undo what she’s done this time. How she treats me, how Dad treats me... it’s too far. I deserve better.”

My voice is shaking with emotion. I wish that I could steady it, sound sure, sound hard. But I can’t.

“This will all blow over in a week or two. It’s not like you actually lost the family any money. You just failed to bring us more. It’s not that big a deal.”

I stare at her incredulously. “It is to me, and Mom and Dad are using it as an excuse to drive me absolutely up the wall.”

“But you can’t leave. Don’t you have any loyalty?”

“Loyalty? I’ve been trying to prove myself to Dad since I was five!” My eyes are watering, embarrassing me. I wipe them roughly, with no patience for myself.

“He doesn’t want you to prove yourself. You’re not one of his sons. He wants you to go get married and give him some grandkids, same as Mom.”

It’s like bashing myself up against the same brick wall time and again, trying to wear a way through and doing nothing in reality but getting hurt and frustrating myself. I can’t fight my way into their respect. I can’t prove my way into their respect. I will never have their respect. And I will never have their affection again, either, if I don’t do what they want.

“This is like a nightmare. It’s like I got trapped back in the 1950s. Worse. Do you people really think I’ll be a good mom if you force me into it? If you nag and nag until I marry the first guy whoshows any interest just to get you all off my back?” I wipe my eyes again.

“You’re just exaggerating because you’re upset,” she soothes, but I’m not buying it.

“I really don’t want to talk about this anymore. Neither one of us is going to get anywhere. I’m never going to be happy being a stay-at-home mom, and I’m never going to be happy with how Mom and Dad treat me.”

“So, your solution is to just tell us all to go to hell and walk away?” She sounds incredulous—almost annoyed.

“Well, I wasn’t planning to tell you to go to hell, but the way they’re treating me... nobody would put up with it. I shouldn’t have to. But Mom doesn’t know when to shut the hell up, Dad doesn’t even seem to understand that women are human beings, and you... you think if you’re just nice enough, I’ll give in and toe the line. It’s not fair.”

“God damn it, Arya!” she bursts out suddenly, frustration taking all sweetness from her voice. “There are more important things in life than your ambitions! Family duty matters!”

“Not if it only goes one way.”

She stops dead, blinking at me. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that if any of you actually cared about me, the real me, the me who has thoughts and feelings and, yes, ambitions, you wouldn’t put me through this. Mom already has enough grandkids! And I am not just marrying the first guy who shows an interest just to get her and Dad off my back. They need to stop, or I really will leave.”

I hate doing this. I hate saying it. But she’s pushed me to it with her wheedling and inability to even try and see my side. I can’t just talk about my unhappiness now. I have to stand up for myself. But every damn time I’ve ever tried to do that, Mom and Dad have taken it as some kind of personal insult.

This is a no-win situation for me, and I just want to get out.

“I’m not going to go back and tell Mom to shut up,” she grumbles.

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