Page 58 of Married With Malice

He takes his hand away and burrows into his side of the bed.

It’s impossible to take this as anything other than a rejection.

And I know there’s a reason why this hurts so much, a reason why my eyes sting with angry tears as I turn away from him, bearing the cold certainty of unwanted truth.

I’m good enough for him to fuck.

He’ll tolerate sleeping beside me.

He’ll escort me places when he needs to and grudgingly refer to me as his wife.

But Luca doesn’t want more than that. He never did.

A lone tear escapes and trails down my cheek as the stark reality sinks in.

This is only the second time I’ve ever cried over a man. I wish it didn’t hurt far worse than some stupid college breakup.

And I only have my own imagination and my own foolishness to blame for the cruel rise of my hopes, for wanting something that was never offered and can never be.

12

LUCA

Jones Beach isn’t among the prettiest beaches even in the vibrant blue sky days of summer.

Still, the place remains a sentimental favorite.

Somewhere on this weathered boardwalk I once stood as a chubby toddler with a plastic pail and shovel in hand while my big brother posed proudly beside me.

Cale had once asked me if I wanted any of the three photo albums he’d saved from our parents’ house. I told him to take them all. They are more his memories than mine anyway. The boardwalk photo is in the final album curated by my mother. I don’t even remember that day.

Today all the summer color is gone, like it’s been sucked out with a vacuum hose. The December chill has turned the beach grasses brown, the sky is grey and the water looks flat and dull. Except for scavenging seagulls making a racket while fighting over washed up fish scraps, the sand is deserted.

Nico and Monte are having an animated discussion by the railing while I hang back on the nearest bench. Monte jabs his finger at the shadowy shape of a slowly gliding cargo ship. His brother busts up with a laugh, then sobers and nods his head. The words “Uncle Vinny” float this way.

They were close to their uncle. I’m told that Cale cornered them at Vinny’s funeral and offered a free warning to get out of this life while they still could, before they get pumped full of holes and closed into a box for eternity. I doubt he knows that they’ve never taken his advice.

I’ve also heard the story about how Cale once caught them ogling Sadie and ordered them to eat on the floor like dogs. The Castelli brothers always repeat that tale with a fond laugh. Apparently, the humiliating memory doesn’t bother them.

Ever since I sat down on this creaky bench I’ve been turning an engraved silver pen around and around in my fingers. This was a gift from Cale when I finished law school. My full name is etched into the surface in bold capital letters.

From anyone else, this would have been a simple gift but there’s nothing simple about my brother. He wanted to remind me what he’d said the day we were both in Richie’s office and I’d just traded my future for his.

“Don’t ever forget where you came from, Luca.”

Lately the pen has become something of a talisman. I carry it in an inner pocket and toy with it idly when I’m feeling restless.

Monte glances over his shoulder to check if I’m still sitting on the boardwalk bench. The look we exchange is packed with grim mutual understanding; a look only shared by men who have killed together.

The three of us did what we did. No going back. The job turned ugly when our assignment was holed up with a surprise guest, a former amateur boxer with a long record of criminal violence.

No matter how I try to blot the details out of my mind, I can hear a man screaming “WAIT!” a split second before I ended his life. The fact that he was a bad man makes no difference.

I got one kill and Monte got one kill. Nico offered to take care of the unpleasant souvenir part but he was gagging and looking green so I took Monte’s hunting knife and completed the chore myself.

Albie was glad to have his souvenirs. The bodies were disposed of not far from the Catskills, at a pig farm owned by a Barone family associate.

And that was that. All scores have been settled.

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