Page 6 of Married With Malice

No joke. That’s really what happened.

Last I heard, he’s married to the Wingate daughter. The same Wingates who own the New York Dukes hockey team. I wouldn’t have guessed that ending for Cale Connelly, who greeted everyone with the same reptilian apathy and seemed born to serve among thecaporegime. The image of Cale Connelly shoveling horse shit out of a barn doesn’t come easily but I’m plenty jealous that he was able to find an escape clause.

Lucky for Richie, he had a spare nephew waiting in the wings. I’d hardly be shocked if Cale’s banishment was somehow orchestrated by Luca, who took his big brother’s place without missing a step.

Almost everyone was surprised when Luca, the ‘nice’ Connelly brother who was pursuing a legal career, stepped into Cale’s shoes. While Luca never fooled me, I did think he’d reach for something more mainstream than mafia heir.

Now it’s Luca who will be running the show one day. The best way to fortify a permanent alliance between families is by marriage. Shortly after Luca assumed his brother’s role, my father announced that Luca would marry Daisy.

It's not really shocking that Luca agreed to this. Everyone adores Daisy. My sister is a gorgeous, joyful ball of sunshine. Whatever she lacks in common sense she compensates for with lovable charm. Two minutes after people meet Daisy they’re ready to adopt her.

Naturally, there are a few reasons why I was never excited about adding Luca Connelly to the family.

We have history. It’s not good history.

At least no one seemed to be in any huge hurry for the wedding to take place while I wracked my brain for a way to get my sister out of this mess.

Turns out I wasted my time being grossed out about getting Luca as a brother-in-law. Something much worse was coming down the pipeline.

I feel justified in blaming Labor Day weekend.

And Big Man Bowie’s Burgers.

The first weekend in September, one of Daisy’s obnoxious social media influencer friends hired a dozen food trucks to cater her house party. Among them was the truck owned by former minor league baseball player Bowie Roland. He’s a genius when it comes to searing meat to perfection and he tops each burger with homemade garlic aioli. He’s even been featured on Food Network.

My sister was certainly impressed. Three days later, I was sound asleep at six in the morning when my phone started blowing up.

Daisy, who was supposed to be staying with friends in the Hamptons, had run off with her new beef-obsessed boyfriend and his burger truck. By the time I heard from her, they’d already driven to Atlantic City and gotten married.

No one could possibly be angry about this joyous news, right? RIGHT???

WRONG!

A match of chaos was lit by Daisy’s elopement with Big Man Bowie.

Once I started referring to him as Big Man Bowie I couldn’t stop. Now everyone calls him Big Man Bowie and there’s no way to fix this.

Too bad. His nickname is the least of his worries.

When it comes to mafia betrothals, you can’t just say, “Nah, never mind” and go skipping off with the first hamburger chef who catches your eye.

A Barone daughter was promised and a Barone daughter must be delivered.

By this point, Big Man Bowie was in very real danger of getting chopped up into bite-sized pieces and tossed into a fish hatchery.

As for Daisy, she was spoiled goods. She probably would have been mailed to Sicily and locked in a stone tower for a few decades.

Over my dead body. Someone had to put a stop to this madness.

Offering Sabrina as a consolation prize was out of the question. I’d sooner saw Luca Connelly’s big hands off with a bread knife than allow them to touch my hapless baby sister. God knows what that demented prick would have done to her.

Behind all of Brina’s trash talk and the fact that she looks like a pouty, oversexed vixen, she’s as worldly as a kitten. Besides, she has big dreams of finally finishing her degree and becoming a video game designer. This doesn’t really fit in with the lifestyle of a high profile mafia wife.

With my father in a humiliating bind and looking to save face with his new partner in crime, I made a deal with him. Daisy and Big Man Bowie were to be left unharmed. Sabrina gets to continue her education at video game school. And I’ll restore the family honor by making the ultimate sacrifice.

Sort of.

My intention is to make Luca’s life so miserable he’ll beg to be free of my wrath.

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