Page 101 of Swept Away

She chews her cheek. “This guy popped up online asking to buy it—Ezekiel,” she says, flushing slightly. “Obviously I had no idea who he was, and I guess he didn’t know who I was, either, but anyway, he offered loads more than it was worth. And it was such aball-ache, that boat—the maintenance agency wasalwayssending bills for stuff that needed doing to it, varnishing, fixing leaks, another trip to the shipyard…”

“For that,” I say with fervor, “I thank them.”

“But I just thought…oh, go on, then. I didn’t tell you because we talked about Mae inheriting the boat one day, and I felt like I was being super selfish, but you know I’ve wanted to knock through and redo the kitchen for ages…” Her eyes fill with tears again. “See? Awful friend.”

“Don’t be daft. But you should’ve told me. I wouldn’t have cared, Pen! It’s your boat.”

“But it was your mum’s,” she says quietly, fiddling with the sofa cushion.

“And she gave it to you.”

“Do you ever kind of hate me for taking so much of your mum? Now she’s gone?” Penny says, in a very small voice.

I stare at her. “What? No!”

“You didn’t resent me?”

“Resentyou?”

She shrugs helplessly. “She treated me like her daughter, kind of. But I’m not. I wasn’t. And I feel like you were used to expecting so little from people by then, what with your dad and all, so you took it in your stride, but…Your mum was amazing, but she was always so busy, and the last thing you two needed was someone else to look after.”

“You treated me like a sister,” I say, reaching to grab her hand. “I didn’t lose something, I gained a sibling. And Mum just had a lot of love to give, I think. I never felt like I went without.”

“She was like you,” Penny says, with a small smile. “A natural nurturer.”

I laugh. “Oh yeah, that’s me. Mother Teresa. Where the fuck is Ryan with those spoons?”

“Just lurking in the kitchen, really,” Ryan says, loping out again with the third bowl and three spoons.

“That argument, the night I asked you to move out,” Penny says, with a big, shaky breath. “I want to explain. I’d been thinking for ages about how you should get a place of your own, not because I want you to go, but I just…I feel sobad, Lex. I should never have moved in with you all those years ago. I should never have let you do so much. But I was scared and on my own and it was so easy to take the help you offered.”

“I’m glad you did.”

“Yeah, but…It was selfish, wasn’t it? To ask so much from you. And lately I’ve had these fantasies, sort of imagining the life I want for you, where you’re happy and doing your own thing, running your café, meeting a gorgeous guy, having a kid of your own…”

I swallow. I’d imagined that future for myself, too, a few days ago. Now it feels farcical.

“I want that for you so badly. And that day…you took Mae out to the park, and I stayed home and pissed around watching a guy on YouTube talking about skincare and I just thought, what the hell am I doing? I felt so guilty.”

“I don’t care what you did while I was taking Mae to the park,” I say, staring at her. Where’s all this coming from? “Penny, I was giving you a bit of time to yourself. You get to choose how to spend it.”

“Yes, but that’s all you do, isn’t it? Give me time. Give me things. And I don’t give you anything back.”

“Of course you do!”

“I don’t,” she insists, gripping her spoon with both hands. She hasn’t looked at me in far too long; I nudge her with a foot, trying to catch her eye, but she keeps her gaze downturned. “I take advantage of you. And all of a sudden, I felt so bad, and I just—I wanted you togo. Take the leap, pull off the plaster. And I knew if I didn’tsay something then, I’d get comfortable again and let you stay forever. So I said you should move out now that Ryan wants to move in.”

“Oh,” says Ryan, through a mouthful of ice cream. “I didn’t know that bit.”

“I know.” Penny’s crying properly now. “I shouldn’t have used Ryan as an excuse.”

“I get it,” I say. I’ve thought about this so much over the last two weeks. “It kind ofisabout Ryan.”

“It’s not,” Ryan and Penny say in unison.

“No, it is.” I’m talking slowly, picking my way, and this makes me think of Zeke, which makes my heart throb with pain. “Because Ryan is the first guy who’s come along who wants to be a family with you. He doesn’t see Mae as baggage. She’s part of you, so he loves her.”

Ryan nods at this. Just a littleYeah, that’s itnod.

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