Page 99 of Swept Away

“I can’t. How can you even suggest that? Whose side are you on?” I hiss, glancing at Mae on the baby monitor.

She’s too old for it now, really—if there’s anything wrong, she marches out of bed to come and get one of us to sort it. But Penny and I like to see her sleeping. There’s something so comforting about the sight of her curled up with her plait squiggling across the pillow and her bare feet poking out from under the duvet.

“I am on the side of everyone getting all the information,”Marissa says. “I’m the BBC, all right? Just…remember that people change.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I say, voice hollow. “It doesn’t matter if he’s changed since he made that choice, because he didn’ttellme.”

“Weren’t you guys a bit busy?” Marissa says.

“There was time.”

“He was a kid when he got Penny pregnant. Eighteen. Do you remember what you were like at eighteen?”

I think back. I was different, sure—feistier, more idealistic, more hopeful for the future. But I would never, ever have abandoned my child.

“He was so full of admiration for how I supported Penny,” I say bitterly, glancing back toward the kitchen door to check she’s not in earshot. “That just seems so ridiculous now that I know he abandoned her. Had heforgotten?”

“I think that’s unlikely,” Marissa says.

I hear the familiar clink of glasses behind her and feel a pang of nostalgia for the pub. It’s a comfort-place for me, much like this sofa, and I resent the fact that I can no longer go there because it’s the one place Zeke would know to find me.

“I would say ‘You’ve got me pregnant’ isn’t the sort of conversation you forget, even if you’re a thoughtless eighteen-year-old man-whore.”

“Don’t call him that,” I say, pulling a cushion up to my chest.

“Whose side areyouon?” Marissa asks. “I think the most likely option is that he just hasn’t made the connection between you and Penny. Or hasn’t realized the Penny he, you know…”

“Impregnated?”

“…is your Penny.”

“How many Pennys has he had?” I say, and then instantly regret it. “Please don’t try to answer that.”

“Idon’t know, do I? But you know who does, and is currently looking very mournful at my bar? Zeke.”

I imagine his face, one curl falling into his eyes, eyebrows drawn together in a worried frown. It makes me want to run down the street to the pub, pull him into my arms and tell him I love him.

But then I glance across at the baby monitor and see Mae, and my heart hardens again. That girl deserves everything. She deserves a father who had the decency to at leasttryto be there for her, whatever that looked like. If Zeke’s hurting, fine. He’ll move on. He would never have stayed with me anyway. He’s clearly got no loyalty.

“I’ll talk to him when I’m ready,” I say, swallowing. Right now if I look at him, I’ll crumble. “You can tell him that.”

“Tell him yourself.”

“Ican’t, Marissa.”

I hate the way my voice breaks. I glance toward the kitchen again. I don’t want Penny to see how crushed I am by this. We’ve spent nearly five years merrily cursing this man—he’s been the butt of every joke, the archetype of a cruel, useless man, and the idea that Isleptwith him, fell inlovewith him…I feel as though I’ve betrayed her in the worst possible way.

Marissa gives a frustrated growl. “I’ve got customers. But please get off that sofa and come and see me tomorrow.”

“How do you know I’m on the sofa?”

“You’ve got sofa voice.”

“What’s— Never mind. I’ll be there. Message me the best time.”

“Gotcha. Try to get some sleep tonight, all right? See you, Lex.”

I hang up. I haven’t left this apartment since getting back from sea. All day, I’ve played with Mae, savoring every second of her, letting her put all her butterfly clips in my hair and watchingFrozenwith her in my lap. But whenever she and Penny go out, I stay behind. I can see Penny thinks it’s because I’m having troubleadjusting to the big wide world again—I know she’s been reading about how people recover from surviving extreme experiences because I saw the open tabs on her laptop. But it’s not that. It’s not even the journalists and photographers hanging around the place. It’s that every time I envisaged coming back to reality again, I imagined Zeke doing it with me, and now I’m doing it without him.

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