Page 39 of Swept Away

“But you did?”

“For her whole life. Until this week.”

He stands carefully and joins me, leaning on the railing. I’m not sure how much of this is for companionship and how much of it is because he needs something to take his weight.

“She’s four,” I say. “Loves books, elves and gymnastics.” I grit my teeth tightly against the wave of pain that comes with the image of her in her leotard and shorts, hair plaited close to her scalp by Penny, who’s always been better at hairstyling than I am.

“She’s not just your friend’s kid, is she?” Zeke says softly. “She’s yours, too. You’ve raised her.”

All of a sudden, that sets me off. I don’t have time to hold back the tears—they’re already running down my cheeks, so I just let myself cry.

“Yeah,” I say through the tears. “Ihaveraised her. I’m just a family friend, really. That’s all I’ll be now. But Iwasmore than that. I gave her half her bottles at night, and I changed a thousand nappies, and she’s—she is mine, in a way, even though I know she’s Penny’s.”

“You said the other day her dad’s a bit of a…”

I sniff, jaw tightening. “Scumbag? Yeah. The sort of man who knocks a woman up and then wants nothing to do with the baby.”

“I’m sorry. That’s…Every kid deserves better than that.”

I glance at him. I know his relationship with his own father is complicated. I wonder about asking, and then I remember the diaries. This isn’t a conversation I should be starting unless I’m willing to confess that I know more than I should.

“So what happened?” Zeke asks. “Why did you leave?”

I swallow. I don’t want to talk about this, either, but Zeke’s right: I think about it all the time, and without the option of messaging Penny to make up again, I’ve got nothing to do but stew over it. It might feel good to talk it out.

“Penny’s got this boyfriend. He’s fine. Ryan. Whatever. They’re getting serious, and Mae does like Ryan, and I’m sure he’s…fine…”

I wipe my cheeks. Ryan probablyisfine. But Penny has had so many bad experiences, and every time she dates an arsehole it has an impact on Mae. And Ryan will never be me. He doesn’t know the Cheerios song I sing for her every morning. He doesn’t know instinctively when Penny needs a break; he doesn’t know how stressed she gets when there’s too much on her plate.

“They wanted you to move out?” Zeke guesses. “So he can move in?”

I nod. “Penny did this whole thing about how it was for me. How I basically gave up half my twenties to look after her and Mae, and she wants me to get a life of my own. But really she just wants the place to herself with Ryan. She wants me gone.”

“Really?” Zeke says after a moment. “Are you sure?”

I step aside, moving away from him, suddenly irritated. “You wouldn’t get it.”

“OK,” he says, voice gentle. “I guess I just think if I was Penny, I’d feel a lot of guilt about how much you’d given up for me. Maybe she’s trying to give you something back.”

“By kicking me out?”

“By offering to take some of that…” He searches for the word. “Some of that responsibility away. Maybe she doesn’t know you want to stay.”

I stare at him. “Are you serious?”

“Well, have you ever told her?”

I widen my eyes. “She knows,” I say, though a current of fear has just passed through me at the question.

I’m not totally sure when I last told Penny how much it means to me to be such a big part of Mae’s life. And sometimes I do wish that I could have something that’s mine—a job I like, a boyfriend, time off that actually feels like a holiday. But I only have those thoughts very quietly, usually when I’m worn out or tired, and I feel guilty for them every time.

Because I’m so grateful for Mae. I would give up a million things for her. If Zeke said,Would you rather stay single forever and be part of Mae’s life, or have your own place and a boyfriend and lose her, I wouldn’t hesitate: I’d choose Mae. She’s brought so much to my life. Sheismy life, really, or she used to be.

“She’ll be so glad to see you when we get home,” Zeke says softly.

I drop my head, tears returning. “Oh, God,” I say.

He touches my back, just lightly, like he’s testing whether I want to move away again. I stay put, and he presses tighter, as if he’s holding me steady. He’s right: it was a huge relief to speak about her out loud. She’s burned in my chest like a secret every minute out here, and in some small way, sharing that with Zeke has changed the way it feels to miss her.

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