Page 73 of The ABCs of You & Me

“We’re going to bow out, friends. It’s a school night.”

“Mm-hmm,” Alex gives a knowing look. “You two have fun doing whatever activity you’re going to get up to on a school night.”

Please open up and swallow me,I think, looking down at the floor.

“See you two Thursday!” Maria calls as they all head for the door. When they leave, we stand there for a little longer, hands still clasped, sides pressed together.

“You don’t have to come to the next game,” Foster says.

I give his hand a squeeze. “I know I don’t have to do anything.”

I only recently learned this lesson. I don’t have to have dinner ready at a certain time, even if I’m not going to be around. I don’t have to roll over because he says so. I don’t have to wear my hair down because that’s the way he prefers it. I don’t have to drive the car he bought me and then reminded me of daily.

“I want to come,” I finally say. “I, um…” I drop his hand and regret it instantly. “I have something to talk to you about. You told me I could talk to you about things if I was comfortable and I am but I just don’t know how to bring this up, not really. It’s a bit awkward. It’s nothing bad, at least I don’t think it is. Fuck, now I’m not sure if this is…”

Fingers grip my chin gently, and he guides my face from the current position of looking back at the floor, to look at him.

“I meant it, Soph. What’s up?”

“Can you come over? I don’t want to talk about this here. It smells like sweat and stale coffee.”

“I can do that.”

I pull into the driveway a second before Foster, and as his headlights illuminate my garage, my heartbeat slows down for the first time since I parked at the rink.

Foster follows me into the house silently. Inside the air feels charged, and I put space between us. It would be so damn easy to turn and kiss him. To give into these primal feelings that have been omnipresent since seeing him again. But that’s not what I want from him. Well, it is, and it’s not. There is something else I need first, something I need much more.

“Do you want something to drink?”

He doesn’t answer, and when I turn to look at him he’s got his hands in his pockets, studying me.

“What?”

“I’m trying to decide if I should tell you to get to it or if getting me a drink will ease your nerves.”

“Do you want a drink?” I ask again.

He steps toward me. “I want to know what’s up.”

“Okay, let’s.” I gesture at the couch.

Once we’re sitting, I do my best not to fidget.

“Breathe, sunshine,” Foster says gently. Foster’s calming easy presence washes over me.

“So I was thinking of what we could do for I, and I—” I laugh, losing myself in all the I’s. “I was wondering— oh god, I don’t even know how to ask this, so whatever comes out of my mouth next, well, I’m sorry for it. I know how to have sex,” I rush to say only to realize what I said. “Oh no, obviously, wait.” I put my hand up, preemptively stopping him from saying anything while also hoping to slow myself down. “Oh, this is not going how I thought, or maybe it’s going exactly how I thought it would, I’m so sorry.”

Foster reaches for my hands and scoots closer. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He has the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re not the eyes of someone who’s going to hear my request and run from the house. They’re not the eyes of someone who will laugh at me. They’re not the eyes of someone who will use my next words as a weapon later on when he wants to hurt me.

“For I, I was wondering if you could maybe help me with intimacy. Not sex,” I clarify. “Sex, I’ve, well, probably not mastered, but I know the ins and outs.” A slight blush appears on his face, and I am suddenly so grateful for his gingerness. Seeing that blush gives me a bit of a boost. “In my last relationship, my only one really, what was missing most was intimacy. I don’t really know what it’s like, but I know that I never want to experience another relationship without it. It was lonely. But I don’t really know what it is I’m missing, does this even make sense?”

“It makes sense.”

“Perfect. And I don’t know, doing this with someone I trust, a friend, feels doable.” I breathe out in relief.

He swallows and looks away for a minute. I watch as he breathes out before his head slowly turns back to me. “So,” he asks, his head tipping in question. “When does this start, and what are the boundaries? You said no sex, which makes sense with us being friends.” He says “friends” slowly as if letting it sink in. “What about other physical things? Or do you only want emotional intimacy?”

---