Page 68 of The ABCs of You & Me

Foster puts his fork down and stares at me. “What’s up, Soph?”

I have a hard time meeting his eyes. I’m afraid of what I’ll see there. “Nothing.”

“You know you can talk to me about anything right?”

I finally look at him. Soft eyes under slightly furrowed brows. Concern wrapped in something else.

I set my own fork down and lean back, trying to appear more relaxed than I currently feel. Hiding in plain sight.

“I guess…” I need to give him something. He’s been so patient with me. I know he isn’t the way he is to earn rewards, but I need him to know that when he says things like that, that I do believe and trust him. “I really appreciate what you did today. You challenged me in a fun way, made me step out of my comfort zone, but never once made me feel like if I didn’t, you’d hold it against me. Gre—” I stop abruptly because I don’t want to ruin the taste in my mouth with his name. “He always held it against me. Guilt and gaslighting were everyday tactics. So I appreciate you not taking that approach. And of course for not insisting I talk about it.”

“I’m not going to force you to talk, for the record. But you’ll tell me if I do something that makes you uncomfortable or… feel anything other than good.”

I want to scream that he makes me feel better than anyone else. That he makes me want to jump straight into something new and exciting. That he alone has fanned a spark into a flame I thought was forever extinguished. But I can’t, because if I start talking, I’m going to tell him that I want to hold his hand for real. I’ll confess that I want to feel his long fingers skim across my skin and sink into me. I’ll wax poetically about how I’ve loved him since we were kids. I don’t want to make things awkward or uncomfortable for him. I don’t want him to walk by me in the hallway and avoid looking. I want to be the one to hand him candy when he’s woozy from the sight of blood. And I don’t want him to think he needs to fix me.

“I’ll tell you, I promise.”

TWENTY-NINE

FOSTER

Tonight was weird. It was like Sophie and I were dancing to the same song, and then suddenly her beat changed. I sat there trying to keep time with her but kept losing it.

The only thing I can think of is that I made her uncomfortable with what I thought was some innocent flirting. Not that I was trying; it just comes out when she’s near me.

“You were no help,” I say to Gary who is lounging lazily on the window ledge in my bedroom. “You couldn’t be polite to her?”

Gary yawns and turns his attention out the window. He never cares about what I’m saying unless it’s food-related.

I know things ended poorly with her ex, and I find myself wondering how badly things had been at the end. Or perhaps things had been bad for a while. She wouldn’t be the first person to stay in a toxic relationship far longer than they should.

I roll on my side and close my eyes, but I’m greeted by my imagination playing an alternate reality version of tonight. I should open my eyes, but I’m curious to see where this goes.

Delicate hands lift my shirt up and over my head. Her voice, clear as day, asking if she can touch me. When I nod, she moves closer. I watch as her hands trail across my skin, over the artwork, admiring each unique piece.

I feel myself getting hard and clench my fists. I can’t touch myself while I’m thinking about her. I won’t be able to look her in the eye on Monday if I do that. But it is taking every bit of strength I have to not give in. If I come with her name on my lips, there will be nothing fictional about it.

Rolling onto my back I let out a frustrated sigh and try to think of something that resets my body.Gonorrhea?Sophie’s voice cuts in, and I chuckle. Nothing like an STI to break the tension.

“Horse hockey,” I grit out as Gary lands on my chest. I sit up. “Hockey… H.” I forgot to bring it up while Sophie was here.

I forgot to ask tonight, do you have plans for Tuesday night?

Heather’s hockey team is in the playoffs and she invited us.

“Us” jumps out at me. Us as friends, us as nothing more than that.

Sunshine

I have a meeting after school with my supervisor. What time?

7:25.

Can I meet you there?

Absolutely!

Would I rather us go together, yes but I can keep some things to myself.

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