Page 123 of The ABCs of You & Me

“Is this about sex?” she asks, a bit too excitedly.

“Well, yeah, I guess so.”

“Is it weird?”

“Is what weird?”

“His dick. Does he have a weird dick or something?”

I blink back at her. “What? No! This has nothing to do with anatomy.”

“Oh, well, that’s good. Although,” she says with a sigh, “a weird dick can do glorious things.” When she grins over at me I feel my cheeks heat.

“Anyway, so, with…”

“Shithead?” I laugh because Maya has taken to using the poop emoji whenever he comes up instead of his name.

“Yeah. We, well, the sex wasn’t exactly…”

“Normal?”

“Maya, let me finish.”

“Sorry, I’m impatient. Please continue.”

“It wasn’t exactly exciting. He, well, it always felt like I was there for him to use. He’d”—I mime him thrusting—“then it would be done and I’d lay there for a little bit wondering what all the fuss was about. I’d suggest things in the beginning, and he’d say ‘sure, yeah, let’s do that,’ but we’d start the same way we always did and ultimately end that way too. It was like the minute something felt good for him, it erased the conversation.”

Maya stares back. We haven’t discussed this part of my relationship. I’ve been keeping it locked inside because looking back it’s all blanketed in red flags. It’s stupidly obvious.

“So like, you never… he never got you there or helped you get there, or fucking cared if you did?” She purses her lips looking as if she’s ready to physically fight someone.

“I think we’ve established that he didn’t care about anything but his own needs. That wasn’t exactly specific to any one part of his life. He also didn’t tend to care if I wasn’t in the mood,” I whisper and have to look away.

“Oh, Soph.” I feel her move and her arms wrap around me. “I’m sorry.”

I pull away because that’s not why I’m bringing any of this up. I don’t want to talk about him or what he didn’t do for me or what he did to me while he was too busy doing everything for himself.

“With Foster, well, it’s… I’m asking for things,” I say slowly. “Demanding them, really. And he does them enthusiastically. Then he asks for things, and I’m excited to do whatever.”

Maya looks like she’s about to say something like “bless your heart” or “you sweet summer child,” and I brace myself.

“So you’re enjoying yourself,” she states.

“Yes,” I admit, feeling my face heat by several degrees.

“What’s your question?”

“I don’t know, sometimes I feel a bit like I’m maybe asking for too much or being too out there, but it’s like anything I’ve even wondered about I say out loud and then he does it.”

“There is nothing ‘out there’ about asking for what you want, Soph. Sounds like you’re living your best life right now. You’re with this guy who is madly in love with you rather than madly in love with the fact you’re in love with him. Have you felt uncomfortable with anything?”

“God no,” I sputter. “And that’s what worried me a bit.”

Maya shrugs. “You’re two adults in a consensual relationship, and it sounds like you care about each other’s pleasure versus only your own. Embrace it, my friend. If he’s willing to try every little thing you want and vice versa, as long as you’re being safe and it makes you happy, don’t let those little worries in, okay?”

“Okay.” I sigh.

“So it’s good?”

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