Page 5 of A Wulver for the Week

“Why are you frowning? He’s Mr. Perfect. Or isn’t he? What’s the deal? Is he short? Allergic to dogs? Doesn’t want kids? Gambling? Drinking?”

“No! No. I think... I think...” I have to answer, fast on my feet, a thing that shouldn’t be hard to do for a nurse who has to make life-saving decisions in a split-second. And yet, it is. I have to really dig through my mind to think about Craig. While his facial features seem a little fuzzy, his place in my life isn’t. He’s just Craig—Craig at the desk on the hospital ground floor, Craig who always seems to magically appear when the vending machine won’t take my ripped dollar bills, Craig who always helps my patients without family find skilled in-home care or a spot in a rehab, no matter how many calls he has to make. Craig, who seems to actually care about his job and the people he helps. “I dunno, Mama. He was always just there. Solid. Dependable. Reliable.” Does that make him boring? I don’t know anything about his hobbies except that he likes to fish and goes to all the town hall meetings. I know he has parents in Scotland.

Five years and that’s all you know about someone you see for five-sevenths of your life?

“Solid and dependable? That’s what scared you off? Lord...” Mama looks heavenward. “And you wanted someone flashy, huh?” Her pursed lips show her disdain forthatidea. “Honey, when are you going to realize that the nice, solid, dependable men are what youneed? What you shouldwant?”

“Well, right about now,” I throw back, equally exasperated—and a little pissed at myself, too.

Half of me is mad because I should have paid attention to Craig as a person, not just a colleague I could always count on. Maybe I would have asked him out for real and then I would have a romantic week in Florida to look forward to instead of one where I’ll have to walk on eggshells, hoping no one finds out the truth.

The other half of me is annoyed. Well, maybe he never stood out because heisboring! Mama wants me to settle for someone boring, and I shouldn’t settle at all. I can have someone excitinganddependable.

Those guys still exist, right?

“Honey, don’t give Minnie a hard time,” Daddy abruptly loses his hatred of plaid and accents to take my side. “I seem to remember a certain college freshman who turned down dates with the president of the campus tennis club because she had her eye on the members of the football team.”

I give my mother an accusing look. “That’s a new story. Dish it, Daddy.”

“We can’t stay on right now, baby, Aunt Belinda’s coming over with about forty mother-of-the-bride dresses.”

“I gotta go,” Daddy bolts across the room, and my mother pauses to sigh and shake her head.

“Craig sounds very nice. How long have you two been dating officially?”

“Um. About six weeks. I mean, months! But it was kind of low-key at first,” I yelp.

Six weeks. We have six weeks to go out a few times, to practice acting like a couple. Will he think that’s weird? Does he have a girlfriend, someone who doesn’t feel threatened by his colleagues asking him to go away for a week? Or what if he’s gay? He could be gay, and that might be easier.

But the unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach says no, it wouldn’t be.

I think... “I like him, Mama. A lot. I’m glad he’s coming with me,” I murmur, more to myself.

“Mhm. You sound happy. You sound serious.”

“Oh, well. Don’t get your hopes up too high, but... But yeah. On paper, we’re a perfect match.”

4: Craig

Do you know what February is when you work with the elderly in a semi-remote mountain town in the Northeast?

Pneumonia season. Bronchitis season. Wear-a-mask-and-rub-your-skin-raw-with-constant-washing season. Flu season. After our initial conversation, I tell Minnie that I want to sit down over coffee (the closest I’ve ever gotten to actually asking her out) so that we can go over our fake love story in more detail. Actually, I just want to know about her. In detail.

In detail... Every detail...

I mean important details that will make or break or charade at her family wedding, not physical details. Intimate details.

My cock twitches when I smell a hint of gardenias wafting down the hall.Don’t think about Minerva right now, Craig. Don’t imagine how she’d look in a bikini. Or with just a sprinkle of sand on her bottom and coconut oil on her skin.

I shake myself as Minnie rushes past my window, sneakers slapping the tile as she works a resuscitator mask over a patient’s face, running alongside the gurney that paramedics push towards the elevators.

Shame on you, Craig Macpherson. You were just imagining her in a skimpy swimsuit instead of wondering about what her favorite bands are, who her heroes are, what her favorite foods are... all the things a good boyfriend should know.

Maybe if I’m a really good fake boyfriend in Florida, I’ll come back to New York as the genuine article.

I could start laying the groundwork now.

Wait, is that sleazy? I consider the question as I take a quick call from a resident in pediatrics, asking me to send up someone to help a family whose little one needs to have a feeding tube placed.

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