Page 145 of This Monster of Mine

She took a deep breath. “Why did you do it?”

A long silence. Then the sound of shifting. “At the time, I thought the girl was too far gone. Getting Aelius seemed the better choice.” Kadra inhaled roughly. “But he was already gone when I reached his ballroom.”

The confirmation cut her, but she couldn’t help the tears that sprung to her eyes at his voice. So strained, as though even breathing was difficult for him.

“Afterward, I went back. Just in case.” His words were slurred, speech evidently painful. “She and Othus were gone.” He made a hoarse sound. “He said she’d died moments after I left.”

Sarai closed her eyes. “He thought you did it.”

“Didn’t I?” His voice was bitter. “Either way, it gave Aelius all the leverage he needed over Othus. Not that he was ever good at following orders. Hence, his death.”

And you felt responsible for it all.

She’d hoped that he’d been her savior. A man who’d ordered her to be patched up after the Fall, however callously.But if Othus hadn’t been there I’d be dead.

“You could have saved her,” she whispered hoarsely. “And you didn’t.”

“I know.” There was a world of grief and self-loathing in his words. “I crossed that line knowingly. And I can never forget.”

She remembered the words below the ribbon in his bedroom.Herribbon.

He didn’t ask for absolution, and it hurt even worse than if he had, knowing that he had kept that ribbon for four years. Reliving that night every time he saw it.

“Gods!” she choked, crawling to the wall as if she could somehow reach through it and touch him.

She heard him do the same, a groan tearing from him as he settled against it.

“I couldn’t attack Aelius and Tullus.” He coughed, an ugly gurgle. “Not directly. They would have won. So I waited for years. For someone to emerge. Someone with whom at least a fraction of the land would be safe.”

She couldn’t comprehend any of it.

“They’ll try me for murder tomorrow,” he said quietly. “You know what that means.”

She hadn’t thought of the future. Hadn’t been able to conceive it. “You’re powerful. They can’t force you into a Summoning—”

“I expected it,” he admitted, eerily calm. “I’ve done my damned best to ensure it.”

Reckless, Anek and Cassandane had said.Uncharacteristically reckless.

“What are you saying?” she demanded hoarsely.

“I’ve killed one.” He coughed again, the rattle in his chest terrifying her. “Tomorrow, during the Summoning, I’ll take the other with me. And everyone involved in her death will be gone.”

She rose in a rush. “That’s enough. This isn’t like you.”

He didn’t seem to hear her. “My seat will be yours.”

Realization struck like lightning. It had all been for the Sidran Tower Girl. He’d broken his code and gone to war for her, fighting them all out of guilt and rage for four years. Risked his life, his career, for the unnamed girl he’d left dying. And he didn’t know it, but he was attempting to give that same girl his legacy.

She buried her head in her hands and sobbed brokenly for the years they’d both wasted.

“My Sarai,” he whispered as she wept. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

A door clicked shut in the distance and she involuntarily tensed as light footsteps approached. She knew who it was even before golden hair caught the candlelight.

“I’ve convinced Tetrarch Aelius to pardon you,” Cisuré said without preamble. “Just pin it all onhimtomorrow and you’ll walk free.”

Sarai stared at the wall.

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