Page 117 of This Monster of Mine

She should be panicking, but she couldn’t feel anything.

Kadra took her by the shoulders, turning her away from the carnage. At the quick pace of her breath, he tipped her chin up to him.

“Come out of there.” He took a step back, encouraging her to do the same. “Breathe.”

She was shaking so badly she knew she’d collapse if he let her go. “If I hadn’t sought him out—”

He cut the thought off at its legs. “He’s been dead for a while.” He tightened his grip when she tried to turn again. “Look at me, Sarai. He’s been dead for at least three weeks, if not longer. The Metals Guild got to him a while ago.”

“Because I illegally Probed Helvus—”

“Because Decimus made accusations at a tavern.” His voice was glacial, meant to slice through her panic.

Decimus had been polite to her even when she’d just been Kadra’s mouthy Petitor. She’d intended to give his brother justice. She’d wanted him to be there. She didn’t realize that she was saying it all out loud until Kadra nodded.

“I know.”

“Your vigiles—” She couldn’t breathe.

“Aelius stationed people here to kill them if they came looking.”

He exuded nothing in the way of grief, only fierce detachment. She’d have thought that he felt nothing and that his vigiles were assets at his disposal were it not for how his eyes had iced over. Right now, Kadra wasn’t a politician, he was a general at war, whose people had suffered heavy casualties. He was already preparing for how the other side would pay.

And then and there, her resolve solidified.They won’t take him. No matter what happened at trial, even if she was tied to the Aequitas’s whipping post, she wouldn’t allow them to topple Kadra. It wasn’t just because he was a good man, or because she respected—loved—every mad inch of him. The land needed him. And he cared for it just as deeply. The knowledge sank to her bones, mingled with her grief.

“Give me a moment.” Balling her hands into fists, she allowed the tears to fall silently, too numb to scream or sob. “One moment. Then I’ll think of something too.”

A fissure appeared in Kadra’s hard mask at that. Snatches of emotion waged a war on his face. Conflict. Ferocity. Bleakness. And then, he visibly gave up. The hands on her shoulders moved to the back of her head, and he pulled her into him, arms like bands of steel around her.

“I’ll make them pay,” she bit out, and he stroked her hair, echoing the same fierce vow.

“Wewill.”

Pressure tightened her chest. Sleep hadn’t come. Every movement felt difficult, unnecessary, when she could simply lie in bed. Kind, grieving Decimus had been murdered. She had no hope of finding another scutum in a little over a day, and she couldn’t ruin Kadra.

She slipped out of Aoran Tower to pace the Academiae’s tangled walkways, seeking clarity, aid, anything that would save her from Jovian’s and Livia’s paths. The sky had no answer. She walked back.

Unlocking Aoran Tower’s gate, Sarai noted Kadra’s mount outside. He’d left for the vigile station after bringing her back several hours ago. She couldn’t imagine having to let the others know their colleagues were dead.

Padding into the atrium, she paused at the raised voices coming from Kadra’s study. Peering through the keyhole, she found Cato by one of the couches, furious. Kadra was less visible, but she could make out his face and the grim resolution in his eyes.

“How could you be so reckless?”

Unconcerned, Kadra brought a wineglass to his lips. “Everything’s ready.”

“Drenevan!” Sarai jumped at the roar. “She isn’t ready. She’s been worn down enough!”

“There’s no other way.”

She stilled at the finality in Kadra’s tone.

“Times like this, I see why Othus called you a monster,” Cato spat.

Kadra smiled sardonically. “And look at where he is and where I am.”

Cato slammed a fist onto the table. Sarai raced toward the front door just as he stormed out of the tablinum. Pretending that she’d just returned, she released the doorknob.

“Is something wrong?”

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