Page 14 of Loaded Laces

I always loved making him laugh.

That unsticks something in me, and the words I never wanted to say aloud slip out, “He looked like you.”

West’s mouth drops open.

“He had your eyes and he was strong and…I let myself pretend that night.”

“Baby.”

“But he wasn’t you,” I whisper. “Though he gave me the best gift of my life.”

“Baby.”

“I waited for him to show up,” I go on, having to finish this. “But when he didn’t come back after a few months…I knew I had to move on. My car wasn’t equipped for winter somewhere that actually snows, and the drive to my doctor alone would be dangerous once the weather turned. So, I headed for sunnier climates and better social services and schools and…somewhere I would just be another face, rather than the girl who got pregnant.”

And I made it work. It was hard, but eventually, I found work as an assistant. It was—is—demanding. But it’s also fun and challenging and I like my boss.

“We were steady. Stable. Always riding that razor’s edge but surviving. I even put money away for Quinn for college”—money, that if I was able to touch again because it wasn’t in his protected account, would have saved us from the eviction—“but then Quinn got sick and I had to take paid family leave and FMLA.” He jerks. “He’s okay now,” I hurry to add. “He had a really bad infection and spent nearly two months in the hospital, but he’s okay.”

“I’m glad, baby.”

I nod. “So while my job was safe, I only got seventy percent of that pay during that time and…” I bite the inside of my cheek. “That razor’s edge…it cut.” More tears slip free.

He touches my cheek again, catching them as they fall. “You don’t have to tell me the rest.”

Except…I do.

Because I need him to understand.

“And then my car bit it. That was the death knell. I had to buy the beater you saw that barely runs because it was all I could afford. And buying it meant I got further behind on everything—rent, work, those medical bills.” Shame ripples over me. “I tried everything—food pantries, negotiating with the hospital to lower the debt, making installment payments. I applied for grants, begged my landlord…”

His hand finds mine.

“Today was the day we had to leave our apartment,” I say softly. “And Quinn won tickets to the game tonight, and I knew we couldn’t go home, same as I knew that I had no business taking him to the game. But hewonthe tickets at a raffle at school and, yes, my boy has a phone and he has food in his belly, but he’s never hadthat—never gone to a sports game, never sat in great seats, never had souvenir snacks or a hat with a hockey team emblazoned on the front…”

It’s all secondhand clothes and store-brand foods and far too many cans of beans.

“And then,” I whisper, “I saw you out there on the ice.”

Seven

West

“…Isaw you out there on the ice.”

My heart skips a beat.

“I hadn’t realized you’d been traded to the Eagles?—”

“Right before the season started,” I murmur.

She nods, takes a breath, and goes on, “And I thought,God—” She shoves a hand through her hair, and I wince at how tightly she grips the strands. “I was so fucking stupid. I have a press pass because I assisted my boss at an event last week, and I thought you…”

I wait, lungs tight.

A shake of her head. “I was desperate and I went to you and I fucked it up because I knew that I couldn’t ask you for help, not after what I did, after how I ended things.”

Another tear escapes and I can’t stand here like this any longer.

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