Page 134 of Finding Forever

“So, she’s sticking around then? For longer than three years?”

“That’s my hope.” Cade’s response was stilted.

“Good. She makes y’happy. I haven’t seen y’smile so freely and genuinely in decades. And she stands up for you. I like that she does that, especially when you won’t do it for y’self.”

“What the fuck are y’talkin’ about?” Cade snapped, offended.

“Och, don’t gimme this outraged face, lad. Ye’d take on a pub full o’ brawlers if y’had tae, I know that. But you can’t confront me and tell me that you don’t like your name.”

“I like my name fine.”

“I lost you somewhere along the way,” James Hawthorne said, the thick burr that usually only surfaced when he was angry or emotional fading as he got his temper back under control. He steepled his fingers and rested his elbows on Cade’s desk as he stared across the mahogany expanse at his oldest son. “You withdrew. Grew quiet. Didn’t have the usual adolescent rebellions like your brothers and sisters. Alwaysso good and obedient and willing to fall on your sword for the family.”

“What and that’s a bad thing now?” Cade seethed, holding onto his temper by the slimmest of threads. “After all these years of being your fucking ruthless enforcer, your well-trained, emotionless machine. So adept at getting you everything you want in the most bloodless way possible, my loyalty is somehow not good enough anymore?”

“Your fire. Your spark. Yourpassion. All of that disappeared when your mother died. I always thought that your grief had somehow fundamentally altered who you were. But that wasn’t it.” The old man shook his head, and for the first time Cade saw the sadness and regret in his father’s eyes. “It took that wee mad wife of yours to make me understand. Your mother was the last one who still called you that…Cade.”

“Cade began to disappear years before Mum died. You made sure of that.”

“Fuck, Niall.” His father’s face twisted, and he shook his head. “It was between your mother and me. She liked the name, it was her father’s name. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of calling you that after she’d walked out on us. Onme.”

“I wasten. I was confused. I no longer knew who I was, or where I belonged. You stripped me of my very identity. And then you made sure my brothers and sister did the same. I felt betrayed by them. And it drove a wedge between us that we never quite recovered from. I love them. I forgave them, but I felt like I’d lost them… no like they’d lostme. Like they’d somehow forgotten me. When Mum died, it felt like the last vestiges of Cade died with her. I lost my mother and I lost myself. I became whoyouwanted me to be.”

“It’s just a name f’god’s sake.”

“If it’sjusta name, why was it so fucking important to you that I go by Niallinstead of Cade?”

His father’s mouth opened and closed as he tried to formulate a reply. But he had none. Because there was no acceptable response.

“You wanted towinthe divorce and I was the casualty of your petty fucking war with Mum. That’s the long and short of it, right?” Cade didn’t usually speak his mind so freely. He kept things bottled up. He repressed emotions, swallowed down anger, and moved through life with a wall ten feet thick between him and the rest of the people in his life.

Well, heusedto do all of those things.

Until Fern had come along with her little hammer and chisel and started chipping away at that wall.

He’d been more open and honest about his emotions with her these last few weeks than he had with anyone else in decades. And that honesty was spilling through right now.

And it felt fucking fantastic.

Until he met his father’s eyes and saw how truly distraught the old man was.

“I’m sorry,” his father shocked him by saying. “I really am. I was a terrible father. I know that. I still am. Gideon is my only truly happy child. And he found that happiness because he left the family for years. Now Nox has done the same and Kenny is a mess. And you… son, you were gone too. You rarely smiled, never spoke about anything personal, it was like your life revolved around work and nothing else. You stayed behind, stayed with me… but you were never truly there. But now—with Fern and the bairn—you’re smiling again. You talk about her—them—all the time. And I can seeyouagain. And I’m so grateful to her for making you happy.”

Cade swallowed past the massive lump in his throat, not sure how to respond to that.

“I… I can try to call y’Cade again. If that’s what you prefer.”

Cade stared at his father, his eyes burning as he fought backthe wave of overwhelming emotion the unexpected offer sent crashing through his system.

He shook his head and smiled.

“I’m truly grateful for that offer, Dad, but you don’t have to do that. The name Niall is as much a part of my identity as Cade. For the longest time—until Fern, really—I felt like Cade was lost forever. But I finally feel whole again, like the person I was when mum was still alive. At ease in my skin and wholly comfortable with who I am. And I’m happy for you to use whichever name you’re comfortable with. Just stop trying to bully my wife into using the nameyouprefer.”

“I doubt I’d be able to bully that lass into doing anything. Did you see how she stood up to me? She’s got some guts that one. I like her. I’m glad she’s decided to keep you.”

Only she hadn’t. Not yet. And the uncertainty was killing Cade. This conversation with his father was yet another way in which Fern had positively impacted his life. He wasn’t sure what he’d do with himself if she decided that she wanted to leave him. He didn’t know if he’d survive the devastation of losing her.

Chapter

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