Page 143 of Finding Forever

“The way I felt started to change after that interview with Mike Holmes, when you walked out? I was panicking like a damned idiot, unsure of how to even begin looking for you when I realized that I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend that baby had nothing to do with me. I didn’t want to. I wanted the opportunity to know him, love him. Take care of him. I wanted to share in your obvious joy in this pregnancy, but I felt so far removed from it. Like an intruder, unwelcome and unwanted. And I wasn’t sure how to fix that.”

“Oh Cade,” she whispered, dropping her head on his shoulder. She took his large hand and sandwiched it between the mound of her stomach and her palm. “I wish I’d known; I would have included you more.”

“It was easy to fall in love with you, Fern. You’ve changed my life, improved my relationships with my siblings, with my father. You bring me joy, make me laugh and feel less alone. You fill up every empty space inside of me and make me whole. I hate being apart from you and love coming home to you. AndI feel like there’s so much more for us to discover about each other and that excites me. I look forward to every day because I know you’ll be there.

“I don’t want to lose you. I hope you’ll choose to stay with me. But in the end, part of loving you means wanting what’s best for you. And if you believe that I’mnotwhat’s best for you…” He shook his head, hand rubbing gentle circles on her stomach. “I’m not going to lie, Fern, that doesn’t really bear thinking about. I truly hope I won’t have to find out what I’d do if that was your decision. But I believe it would be whatever would make you happiest. Because that’s what I’ve been put on this earth for, Fern—making you happy. And if making you happy means letting you go then I’d—I’d…”

His voice choked up and she tilted her head back to look into his agonized face. She knew what he wanted to say and knew he would follow through on the unspoken words if he had to, but she could also see that verbalizing them was near impossible for him.

“You’d let me go?” she finished for him and he gritted his teeth, eyes glittering with emotion, and nodded.

“For an awful, life shattering moment after you fell…” he whispered hoarsely. “I thought you weren’t breathing, Fern. I thought I’d lost you. And it nearly destroyed me. I find I can’t physically talk about voluntarily giving you up after a scare like that. Not now. Maybe not ever.”

“You won’t have to give me up, Cade. I love you too. I’ve always liked you, but I think I fell in love with you when you gave me this bracelet.” She lifted her hand slightly to point to her medic alert bracelet, before lowering it back to his hand. “Nobody but my mother had ever been so concerned for my well-being before. I mean you were so considerate of my every need even before that. Worrying about the sun and peanuts and peppering Dr. Khan with all those worst-case scenario questions… but this bracelet. Ifelt so special.”

“It wasn’t anything special,” he muttered, sounding a little self-conscious.

“Ithought it was. It was special enough to make me fall in love with you. I was halfway there already, but this just tipped me all the way over. After that, I couldn’t imagine ever leaving you. But I felt like I had to consider a life apart from you. I didn’t want you to feel trapped. I knew you didn’t feel the way I did about the baby.”

“In the end it was easy to love our baby, Fern. Because he’s a part of you. And I quite simplyadoreevery single part of you. When I first heard his heartbeat, I felt like I was going to pass out. I didn’t like it, I was panicking and wanted to get out of there with every fiber of my being. And when it stopped, after Dr. Khan switched off the machine, I should have been relieved… but I panicked. I thought something had happened to him. And in that moment, even before I loved him, I would’ve moved mountains just to hear that heartbeat again. Just to know that he was okay. I may not have loved him immediately, the way you did, Fern… but I do love him now. He’s yours. And mine.Ours. And I want what’s best for him. I want him to be okay.”

His hand stopped stroking and applied gentle pressure to her belly, as if he was trying to communicate directly with his son.

“He’ll be okay, Cade… I’m sure he’s—” She gasped as she felt the slightest of flutters directly beneath Cade’s palm. More assertive than any of the little pops she’d felt before.

Cade sat bolt upright and stared fixedly at his hand.

“Did you feel it too?” Fern asked, a hint of awe in her voice.

“He moved,” Cade said, with the same reverence. His eyes jerked up to hers. “He did, right? Hemoved… fuck! He’s doing it again.”

Another flutter, stronger than the one before.

“Oh God, oh myGod,” Fern whispered, laughter and tears fighting for supremacy in her voice.

The tears won when Cade bent his head to her tummy, moving his hand out of the way to kiss the gentle baby bump through the hideous fabric of her hospital gown.

“Hi there,” Cade was crooning at her tummy now. “Hi there, Casper. This is your daddy. Your mum and I are so excited to meet you, little guy. We love you so much and we can’t wait to hold you in our arms.”

Fern hunched over to kiss Cade’s head as he quietly talked to their baby, and her face was wet with tears of joy. There was one more gentle flutter before the movement stopped.

They waited for a few seconds longer but it soon became apparent that the baby was done for now. Cade sat up, his eyes bright with tears and wonder.

“Do you think he heard me?”

“Of course, he did,” Fern said, her voice choked with emotion. “He heard you and he feels safe knowing his daddy is right here with us.”

Fern was kept overnightfor observation and she and the baby were both given a clean bill of health the following morning and discharged from the hospital shortly thereafter.

Cade fussed over Fern all the way home.

“I need a shower,” she said as soon as they stepped over the threshold.

“Then I’ll be joining you,” he stated.

She gave him an arch little smile, and he rolled his eyes.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, woman, I’m concerned that you might get dizzy and fall.”

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