Page 130 of Finding Forever

He swore shakily and he folded his hands in an obvious attempt to hide their shaking from her.

“And because of those words I spoke, months ago, before I even knew you, I’m to be forever punished?” He shook his head helplessly.

“I don’t mean to punish you, Cade. Far from it. I just hate knowing that you’re trapped in a marriage with an ugly, boring moth,” she said.

“Now just a minute,” he retorted hotly. “Ineversaid you were ugly. Or boring. How could I have when those are two words I never once associated with you?”

“It doesn’t matter whether you said them or not, it was how I felt after overhearing what you’d said.”

“Fern, I’m so fucking sorry you heard that. And I’m sorry I hurt you. But everything I said in that conversation to my father was true…”

She gasped in pain and he held up a trembling hand.

“Let me finish, sweetheart. The words were true, that’s how I felt the night we met, that’s how I felt when we married. But also true? Everything I told Mike Holmes about that same night. I was drawn to your quiet shyness.Iwas the moth that night, Fern captivated by your quiet, silvery moonlight.

“You’re absolutelynothinglike the woman I’d thought I would marry someday, Fern. You’resomuch better. More than I deserve really. With your humor and intelligence and kindness. You’re so fucking sweet, it kills me. We get along.We have off the charts chemistry. And I feel like we’re beginning to understand each other quite well.”

She was silent for a while as she absorbed his words.

“I’m truly sorry, Fern.” His quiet voice brimmed with regret and sincerity. “The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you. Part of the reason I said those things to my father was because the night before had really left me shaken. I was feeling a little exposed, defenseless and I didn’t want my father to pick up on that. And at the time I was still wrestling with the idea of the baby. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to remain uninvolved with yourightthere, taking up so much space in my life, pregnant with a child I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to know. I was reinforcing my walls. But I’m so goddamned sorry I hurt you. It’s the last thing I meant to do.”

When he put it that way, it was hard to remain angry or hurt. Not when she understood that he’d been confused and—even though he’d never admit it—hurt as well.

She sighed and nodded.

“I understand, Cade. So maybe it’s best if we moved on from that conversation for now.” His face sagged at her words and she was astonished by the amount of emotion he revealed in that all-too brief, unguarded moment. Relief, fear, gratitude, and something else. Something soft and vulnerable. Something she couldn’t quite explain, because she didn’t recognize it as anything she’d ever seen on anyone else’s face before. She didn’t have much time to analyze it though, before the shutters came slamming down again.

She was still trying to puzzle through it, when he spoke again.

“Fuck, Fern…” His voice was choked with all the emotion he’d swiftly hidden from her again. “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness but thank you for giving me the chance possibly to earn it.”

She nodded, feeling a little awkward and nervously picked at a button on one of her jumpsuit pockets.

“I’m not really sure where we go from here” she admitted tentatively and he nodded.

“You have a support system now, Fern. No matter what happens between us. You’ll always have me, Beth and Gideon. Kenny. You’re not alone.

“And you have options, okay? We can make a go of this marriage. Carry on as we have been doing. But if that’s not for you, that’s fine too. You haven’t experienced life yet. Not really. You’ve missed out on so much and I’d hate for you to feel like you were robbed because you went from being a virtual prisoner, straight into marriage and monogamy. I know you might want to go out there and meetuh… guys.Date.”

He spat the word out as if it tasted vile, before giving her a sickly, insincere smile before continuing. “I recognize that it’s positively draconian to expect you to settle down with the first arsehole you slept with just because he happened to get you pregnant. I’ll respect whatever decision you make, Fern. And I’ll be there for you. And for Casper. You don’t have to do this alone.”

She gasped, her arms folding around her midriff protectively as she gaped at him in absolute horror.

“You didnotjust call this baby Casper!”

He looked a little chagrined at her words, a dull flush staining his cheeks as he grimaced.

“Sorry… it’s kind of stuck in my head at the moment.”

The man had only decided to be a father to this baby like a minute ago and already he had a nickname for him?

Fern didn’t know if she thought that was cute or if she was a little jealous that she now had to share her baby with him.

Or was she jealous about sharing Cade with the baby?

“As long as you understand that that isnotthis baby’s name,” she said with a little scowl. It felt strange that he nowhad a say in what the baby’s name would be. Even though she knew he should never have been made to feel like he didn’t.

This newstatus quowas going to take some getting used to.

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