Page 126 of Finding Forever

“Do you hate this baby, Cade?” She’d asked him that once before. A twofold question, did he hate her? Did he hate the baby? She now recalled—with a nauseating jolt of realization—that he’d answered only one of those questions.

She didn’t know if she’d—they’d—recover if he admitted to hating the child she already loved with every fiber of her being. But it was better to know the truth, so that she could figure out what to do from here.

His lips thinned and his nostrils flared… eyes revealing a turmoil that he didn’t attempt to disguise. His telling physical reaction made the anticipation of what he’d say next that much worse.

“It’s hard to hate something that doesn’t feel real.”

That was all he said, all he was willing to give her. She couldsee it in his eyes. He had nothing more to add and it frustrated her. Because it wasn’t an answer. It wasn’t anything. But at the same time, she understood that maybe itwasan answer to him.

And if it was hard tohatesomething that didn’t feel real, it had to be almost impossible to love it.

“You kept the ultrasound picture,” she said, recalling those well-worn folds and the faded edges.

“Yes. I look at it often, trying to make sense of it. It’s hard to imagine how that grainy image will somehow coalesce into a whole new person. I just can’t picture it.

“I try not to think of it too often. Or imagine anything about him. I think because, for too long now, there’s been a lack of certainty about my place—if any—in his life. You have the very valid fear of growing attached to people you may lose later on. I believe what I feel toward the baby is similar to that. What if I allow myself to love him… and you then decide that I have no place in his life?”

Do you want it to have a place in your life?

The question hovered on the tip of her tongue. He knew it too, she could see that in the way his shoulders tensed as he braced himself for what was to come.

They’d been living in their temporary little bubble. Happy to ignore the looming future. Living in the moment. They’d felt like a real couple. Enjoying each other’s company in bed and out of it. She should’ve been watching herself, should have reminded herself daily that what they had was temporary. Instead, she’d allowed herself to indulge in this dangerous fantasy of normalcy.

But how could this benormal? When she was too afraid to share the exciting and important milestones of her pregnancy with him? That wasn’t normal, it was delusional.

They’d been lying to themselves and ignoring the reality of their situation. Fern finally understood what he’d meant about having an axe above his head. It was a metaphor for theirmarriage as a whole. Just because the sex was good and she’d developed feelings for him, didn’t change the inevitability of the outcome.

“You’re going to be late,” he told her after the silence stretched on for too long.

Fern considered asking her question anyway…

Do you want to have a place in this baby’s life?

But in the end, she backed off. Margot’s phone call and Cade’s role in making it happen was already too much to process. It was only ten in the morning and she was utterly exhausted.

“We’d better get going then. If you want to join me, I won’t stop you. But this conversation isn’t over, Cade. Not by a long shot.”

“I’m quitehappy with everything today, Fern,” Dr. Khan told Fern with a smile. “You’re healthy and the fetus’s development is progressing normally. Your blood pressure is still a little low, but I’m not too concerned about that. Have you felt any movement yet?”

Cade, who was aware that he was here on sufferance, watched Fern’s hand go to her abdomen protectively—he’d noticed that she was doing that a lot lately. She shocked him by nodding, a shy, radiant smile blooming on her lips.

“Yes. It started about a week and a half ago.” She was clearly excited about the development and yet he hadn’t heard mention of it from her until now.

Why hadn’t she told him? Whohadshe told? It was the kind of news first time parents—mothers, especially—would want to shout from the rooftops.

He felt a sharp pang in the vicinity of his heart that she hadn’t shared this news with him. A sense of loss andalienation that made him feel even further removed from the baby. But he was also realistic enough to acknowledge that he hadn’t exactly been approachable on the subject of this pregnancy.

He sat quietly, doing his best to remain unobtrusive as Fern—her voice bubbling with suppressed joy—described the first fluttering movements of the baby to her doctor. He wanted to ask her how it felt. Did it hurt? Was it uncomfortable? He waited for the doctor to ask her those questions, but the woman merely told her that it all sounded very normal and that the baby’s movements would only strengthen and become more regular as the pregnancy continued.

“At this point in your pregnancy, your fetus is about the size of a pear, and it’ll react to loud noises”—Fern laughed in delight at that information while Cade’s eyes widened in panic at the thought. What if he unthinkingly raised his voice and upset the baby? What would happen? Would it be afraid? How did one comfort a fetus? Could fetuses cry?—“…and it can open and close its mouth. Oh, and move its eyes.”

Shit! If it had eyes and a mouth it could definitely cry, right? He desperately tried to recall if he’d raised his voice in his earlier conversation with Fern. It was bad enough that he’d upset her, but what if he’d also upset the fetus?

The fetus with hands and feet, fuckingfingernails,a mouth, eyes… and ears with which to hear his angry voice. This fetus—baby—that he was finally starting to recognize as a whole other person. Part of Fern, part ofhim, yet independent of them both. A brand-new soul—tiny, helpless, vulnerable—in need of care, protection, and love.

“I do have you scheduled for an ultrasound today,” Dr. Khan said. “If you’d like to stop referring to Baby asit.”

Anticipation and excitement bloomed on Fern’s face and she glanced over at Cade as if to share that moment with him. But her expression immediately dimmed when she met his eyes and hehatedthat he was the reason her joy in the moment haddiminished. Just like he hated that she’d felt like she couldn’t share the news of the baby’s first movements with him.

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