Page 125 of Babalon

“No.”

“Pleading not guilty is going to be the worst thing you can do.”

“Michigan doesn’t have the death penalty, even if it did, I would welcome death with open arms and a smile.”

“Nah, none of that. You’ll be placed in a single cell, with a bowl to lick your water out of. A small bed in the corner with a light that never shuts off. A room made of material that absorbs sound so well that it drives the inhabitant insane. How does that sound, Lucien? Slowly driving yourself to the edge of insanity with no way to kill yourself?”

“They don’t have anything like that in Michigan prisons, it falls under cruel and unusual punishment.”

“Where you’re going, there are no rules.”

Chapter thirty-four

Nadia

Just as Whitlock explained, I was escorted back to Darkwater to grab what was left of my belongings and drop off the equipment I still had possession of. Usually, this type of thing doesn’t happen, a family member retrieves the items left behind, but I only have one day to myself. One day to let my landlord know that I won’t be returning, and to let my friends into my apartment to clean it out before the end of the month. A day to see which OB/GYN in the area would take on an inmate patient. A day to file my life away before I am placed in handcuffs, ones just like the pair I would wrap around Kace’s wrists.

I don’t understand why anyone would let me back in where I committed my crimes, but I don’t suppose it matters. With my police escort, I access my locker and grab what few items that were left while my old partner glares at me from afar.

He has been promoted while I was in the hospital. During my confession with Whitlock, I told him who the new powerhead of the AB was, and they quickly arrested and began their investigation into Clark, which meant Zurita was next in line for leadership. Judging by the new regalia on his uniform, the switch from silver embroidery to gold, that change is complete.

We never quite saw eye-to-eye, but I don’t think he had any indication that I was capable of committing my crimes. If you ask me, and any of the inmates I have worked with over the past three, almost four years, my charges are nothing in comparison. I’m a small-time criminal, even if I’m a sexual predator.

Going on a list over the broken little girl in me finding love in someone forbidden.

I want to nod at Zurita, giving him congratulations, but that seems odd in this case. Regardless, he earned it, he will be a good boss.

I’ve heard that many of the inmates that participated in killing guards during the riot have since succumbed to injuries of their own. I don’t know how much of that is true, but it doesn’t matter, truly. Officers and inmates are animals, all the same, you just have to find the limit a guard has and convince them to break it.

Apparently, my limit was power and companionship.

Kace made me feel things that I didn’t realize could be experienced. I have witnessed the same level of desire and devotion in other couples but never within myself. Someone dedicated to just wanting to see me happy and giving me all the gentle touches I could dream of. Keeping my little heart safe and warm, cherishing it, caressing it when it needs to be reminded how valuable it is.

There’s a part of myself that I hate for all the shit I have ever done to him. Relocating his commissary money, which eventually made its way back to his account but…

A knot forms in my throat, realizing he won’t be here to use it, and it will all be refunded back to his mother. What the fuck is she going to think when she learns that her son is gone? What…what is she going to say about me? Not once have I ever cared about what someone thought of me, but all of a sudden, knowing that she is probably going to hate me brings on a whole new pain.

Shame, unapologetic shame, fills every inch of me. It’s so immense that it’s even between the gaps of the atoms that make up my body.

Disappointment because I should have been a better woman to her son. Even if our relationship was out of the ordinary, and illegal, I never had to treat him the way that I did. My mother may not have been part of my life but knowing that his mother—the woman that brought him into this existence–would be disappointed in my behavior. I don’t know why that hurts so much either, but it does.

My mother didn’t love me enough to stay, and Kace’s mom will hate me just as much. I’ve lost everything, and the one last piece of him that I have, will end up with someone else. Since our baby’s safety and health is more important than my hopes on keeping them, it’s better this way.

How embarrassed our child would be, both parents, criminals. I can’t do that; I can’t put a kid through a broken home. I can’t be my dad, too.

“Let’s go, Pierce,” my escorting officer advises.

Making my way out of the guard office, I turn to look down the hallway that leads to the main hub of Darkwater. The dead bodies are gone, the blood cleaned up, the overpowering stench of a new coat of paint trying to cover up the violence that happened here. It will never mask the death and pain that these walls see.

Looking down at the floor, I can feel him with me, like he never left. His warmth against my back, his hand sliding into mine where our fingers would lace together. The sting of tears floodthe back of my eyes as God's invisible fist squeezes around my throat.

“Aye, mami!”

My head snaps up at the warm sound of Matias, the shuffle of his shower slides skidding across the floor as he rushes over to the innermost gate. His hands curl around the bars as he looks through the cold metal bars.

It feels so odd looking at him this way.

“Nadia, no,” the officer grunts.

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