Page 144 of All The Happily Ever Afters

“Never goodbye. Only until next time.” He smiles when he says it and that’s why I can only nod, not trusting myself to speak. With a wave of my hand, I leave him there, and put on a brave face when I open the door to my shared room with Autumn. I don’t want her to know how much I’m breaking right now. Nothing is certain. He may not move. It may not be over. That thought is the only thing that keeps me glued together.

I wish next time was a given. For the first time since we started it, I’m all too aware that it’s not a given. No matter how much I want to lie to myself.

The taxi rideis almost forty minutes long and it’s excruciating. All I want is my pillow so I can bury my head in it and let all of these unwanted emotions out.

“I miss you already,” the second the plane landed, I messaged Nick first. I haven’t heard from him since we said goodbye at the resort and again, I find myself not used to the waiting. The lack of an answer from him. I check it again, and a good thirty minutes later, I have nothing. No answer from him.

I have loved every conference we’ve ever done, but not this one. This one is stained with loss. Undeniable and irrefutable loss. I glance at my phone again, to see no response from Nick. With tears pricking at the back of my eyes, I’m tempted to message Autumn. She’s his sister and he’s leaving me. Tension works its way into my gut and I shift on the leather backseats of the cab. They protest in response.

Is this really the end of it? It can’t be. There’s a sinking feeling in my chest and I need to talk to someone about it, but who? Autumn’s the only one who knows, and what am I supposed to say to her?Your brother is ignoring me?We’re grown adults and I knew what this was. I just wasn’t prepared for this. We’re never ready for goodbyes. At least I’m not. I thought I could avoid it with Nick, I thought I’d never have to say it. Checking my phone again and noting the lack of a message from him, I was apparently wrong. The conclusion I’ve come to is the worst of them all, because that’s what my gut is telling me.It’s over.He’s moving on and that’s all there is to it.

I keep thinking, it was too good to last. Wasn’t it? It was so easy and natural. Everything always fell into place with Nick… I should have known better than to think it would last or becomeanything more. Fuck, it hurts. It’s not supposed to hurt, when you keep yourself at a distance and make sure the relationship is casual. It’s not supposed to hurt when it ends. But I’ll be damned if that’s not exactly what I’m feeling right now.

I check my phone and again, there’s no response.

“Right up here,” the taxi driver says absently and before I can answer, the words catch themselves at the back of my throat.

Oh my God, he’s here.

My heart does that fluttering thing my stomach was doing only days ago. Sitting on the footsteps to my front porch, his large frame taking up the small threshold. I can’t think straight, let alone breathe. He’s right here. Waiting for me.

Nick must feel my eyes on him as the taxi slows in front of my townhouse because he looks right up at me. Those steely blues stealing my breath with their intensity.

My heart races, beating wildly at the sight of him.

“Mam?” the cab driver’s voice alerts me that I need to pay and get on my way.

“Sorry, sorry,” I answer breathlessly, frantically searching for cash so I can get out and go to the man I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.

I don’t have a chance to get my luggage, Nicholas gets it for me. Carrying it up to my porch steps and waiting there for me.

Anxiousness tingles its way through me and I barely hear the taxi drive off as I stand on the steps, looking up at him and whispering, “What are you doing here?” Praying and hoping he’s here for more than a real goodbye.

NICHOLAS

What am I doing here?

“Right now, I’m trying to gather up the strength to ask you something,” I answer her. I can barely swallow, barely breathe. Even though it’s winter and the cold is blistering, making the tip of Olivia’s nose a rosy red already, I’m burning hot.

“I have to know, do you want me, Olivia? Do you want more?” Her bottom lip falls open and her hazel eyes widen with surprise. I can’t bare for her to answer me without telling her everything, without giving this the best shot I can give it.

“Because I want you. I want all of you. I love our stolen nights and I’ll do everything I can to keep giving them to you, but I need more.” A quick intake and a single step forward, closing the distance between us is all that pauses the confession I’ve been working over in my head all week. “I want to be with you, really be with you. Every day and always. Not just a secret rendezvous. I want it all. The picket fence, kids, I want it all… with you. And only you.”

I don’t know if I’ve said it all and I’m certain I’ve said most of it wrong. I’m nervous and I’m terrified. Terrified that she doesn’twant this. It will destroy me if she says no. She’s all I want and all I’ve wanted since I first laid eyes on her.

She still hasn’t said anything, although she takes a hesitant step forward and I use that closeness to take her hands in mine, running soothing circles along her wrists with the rough pad of my thumb.

“Do you want me, Olivia? Because I’ll move here, with you or get my own place, so we can be together like we should. If you don’t, I understand, but I need to know.”

The silence is awful. It rips at me from the inside as I wait for her to say something. Every deep breath she takes I prepare for her to tell me no.

“You asked me what I want for Christmas. At the hotel, you asked me and I lied to you,” her voice is soft and riddled with emotion but I can’t decipher it. I need an answer.

“I know. A kiss. You said all you wanted was a kiss.” I can’t bear it if she tells me that now. I’m not ready to say goodbye. I nearly backtrack, I nearly give in and tell her I’ll go back to only hotel rooms and discreet rendezvous if that’s what she wants.

“I lied. I lied to you,” her voice cracks and it echoes the feeling in my heart. “I want so much more than a kiss. All I want for Christmas, is you.”

Relief washes over me and it comes with a warmth I’m unfamiliar with. It’s better than the heat between us when I first see her across the bar. It feels like home.

---