Page 56 of Centering Kaos

But I needed to do this for me. Needed to make sure I could walk away, that I hadn’t somehow managed to trap myself with another man. I stepped back, reaching for the door.

I half expected him to stop me, but he didn’t.

“I’ll be close if you need me,” he said, simply.

“Thanks again.” The words sounded so lame and insignificant, but they were all I had to offer.

He let me go. I walked right past him and into the condo, closing the door behind me.

When I looked through the peep hole, Kaos stood in the hallway, exactly where I’d left him. He gave the door a longing look that threatened to squeeze the life out of my heart. Then he dropped his head and ambled back toward the elevator.

I stood there, staring, both relieved and disappointed to see him leave. He’d made it clear he wanted us to be together, but he didn’t guilt or beg me to come back. There were no threats, no name-calling, no violence.

He just… left.

And the sight of his retreating back made me realize how badly I’d effed this all up. He was a good guy, so he was giving me the space I’d asked for, but that wasn’t what I needed.

I needed him.

Before Kaos came into my life, I was healing. But he’d empowered me to heal faster, better. He’d given me the strength to put my foot down and say no. And then he’d respected my decision.

And I’d been willing to give it all up for some screwed up sense of propriety.

Thankfully, Kaos had godlike patience and was willing to wait for me to see the truth for myself. We were meant to be together. I liked who I was when I was with him. I liked who he was.

No, I loved him.

The realization felt like it broke some kind of chain deep inside me that had kept me tethered to the little girl who hated the way people laughed and pointed at her. I no longer cared what anyone thought about the fact my divorce wasn’t even final yet. I had a chance to finally be happy—for my son to finally be happy—and I was taking it.

Dylan was nowhere in sight. I searched until I found him back in his old room, sitting on the bed with his back to the door. Circling around to join him, I sat and draped my arm over his shoulders. I half expected him to pull away, but he did the opposite, leaning against me as he wiped tears from his face. Tears that were my fault because I’d been too stupid to see what was right in front of me.

“I love you, baby,” I said.

“I love you, too, Mom.” His voice hitched, and it felt a lot like sandpaper running over my heart.

“I’ve loved you from the moment I found out you were growing in my belly. I didn’t have a very good mom, and I wanted to be the best mom ever for you. I made all these promises to always do the right thing to keep you safe and happy. But I’m not perfect, and sometimes, I don’t know what the right thing is. I used to think staying with your dad was the right thing, but it wasn’t, was it.”

“My dad is not a good man.”

This was the first time he’d ever said anything negative about his father. The words hung in the air like poisonous gases. I wanted to swat them away, but I needed to know how deadly they were first. “Why do you say that?” I asked.

He looked up at me, his hazel eyes so honest and open. “You didn’t fall down the stairs, Mom.”

The foundation of who I was as a mother and protector cracked. “Who told you?”

“Nobody. I’m not stupid.”

I was floored. All this time, I’d been trying to protect him from the truth, and he already knew it. He’d hinted to that knowledge at Kaos’s, but now… now I knew for sure. I’d sacrificed so my boy could be happy, but he knew what was up all along. I’d been so… so stupid.

“How would you feel about me… dating Kaos?” I asked, wincing at the way that sounded. But I didn’t know how else to put it. Dylan had proven how observant he could be, and this decision would affect him as much as it did me. If I was going back to Kaos—if we were truly going to make this work—I needed my son’s blessing.

Dylan seemed to mull it over for a few minutes before asking, “Like you’d be his girlfriend?”

The title seemed too juvenile for what I wanted to share with Kaos, but I nodded. “Yes.”

“Would he be my dad?”

“You have a dad.”

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