Page 55 of Centering Kaos

Tina

FOR THE FIRST time in my life, I was getting exactly what I asked for, and I absolutely hated it.

Arms loaded with our suitcases, Kaos led me and Dylan out of the parking garage, down the narrow walkway, and into Elenore’s building. Since I had a key, we didn’t have to call up to be let in. Unlocking the entry door, I turned to face Kaos.

“We can take it from here,” I said, reaching for my bags. He’d already done so much, and this bizarre feeling of helplessness had suddenly grabbed ahold of me and wouldn’t let go. I felt like I should do… something, but I had no idea what. Leaving him like this felt wrong, but I needed to sort myself out, and I didn’t trust myself to do that while under the influence of his sweet words and incredible body.

“No. I’ll see you all the way to the condo.” He clutched the suitcase handle. “I need to make sure it’s safe.”

He’d accused me of having no idea what to do with a man who wasn’t trying to control me and manipulate my feelings, and he was probably right. Maybe it was foolish to push him away, but I needed to assure myself that it was still an option. That he hadn’t somehow trapped me and was planning to suffocate me for my own good like Matt always claimed to do.

Only I’d never felt remotely suffocated around Kaos.

My mind kept spinning in circles, making me feel indecisive and borderline certifiable. I’d made my decision and there’d be time to pick it apart later. For now, I needed to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, so I didn’t do something stupid like beg him to take me back.

Or maybe leaving him was stupid.

No. I’d fallen too hard, too fast, and I needed to make sure I could still walk away when he showed his true colors.

Dylan hadn’t said a word since before we’d left Kaos’s house. Face pinched in a scowl, he walked past us both and headed for the elevator. I was grateful he didn’t act up in front of Kaos, but feared my reprieve would end the instant our escort left.

Head dropped in defeat, I followed my son, and Kaos fell into step behind me. To an outsider, it probably looked like we were marching to our execution rather than heading to my sister’s. Nobody said a word during the elevator ride. The somber silence stretched all the way to my sister’s unit. Finally, I unlocked the door and reached for my luggage. Releasing the bags where he stood, Kaos dropped to his knees, grabbing Dylan by the shoulders to get his undivided attention.

“You asked me if I wanted you to leave,” he said, his voice raspy and full of emotion. “No. I don’t want either of you to leave.” His gaze strayed to me for a moment before returning to Dylan. “But sometimes adults have to figure shit out. We’re not perfect, and it can be difficult to trust after we’ve been hurt. Your mom and I… we’re doin’ the best we can. I don’t want you givin’ her any shit about it. You hear me?”

Dylan’s gaze cut to me before he nodded.

“She and I have stuff to figure out, but that’s got nuthin’ to do with you. No matter what, I’ll be here for you. Whatever you need.” Again, Kaos’s gaze met mine. “Both of you. All you have to do is call.”

My heart squeezed, and I wondered for the hundredth time if I was doing the right thing. Then again, this move didn’t have to be permanent. Maybe some time away would help me get my head on straight so I could figure out what I wanted. From Kaos and from myself. Maybe once the divorce was final, I wouldn’t feel like such a whore every time I looked at him.

Dylan’s eyes flooded with tears, but he blinked them away. “But I’ll miss you, Kaos.”

A sad smile played on the man’s lips. “I’ll miss you, too, Mayhem.”

That put a genuine smile on my sweet boy’s face.

“But I’ll be around,” Kaos assured him. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

“Will you still coach me?” Dylan asked.

Kaos looked to me, and I gave him a slight nod. There was no way I’d keep Dylan from him. Ever. Positive male role models were in short supply, and if Kaos wanted to step up, I would welcome the help.

“Absolutely,” he replied, mussing Dylan’s hair. “I wouldn’t miss the opportunity to work with you for all the cereal in America. Now, why don’t you head inside and let me say goodbye to your mom.”

Dylan hugged him.

The sight of that big, sweet, hunk of a man hugging my sad, confused boy tugged at every one of my heartstrings. The backs of my eyes stung, and I had to avert my gaze so I didn’t cave. When the two of them pulled apart, Dylan’s cheeks were wet. He swiped at the moisture, promised to see Kaos later, frowned at me, and headed inside.

But at least he hadn’t thrown a fit.

Kaos stood and faced me.

“Thank you,” I said, taking the handle of my suitcase from him. “For everything.”

He shook his head, closing the distance between us until we were almost touching. “You don’t have to thank me. I wasn’t bullshittin’ you when I told you this was the best week of my life. I enjoyed every minute of it.” A frown turned down his lips. “Well, until you said you wanted to leave. That sucked ass.”

I could feel his body heat, and smell mint on his breath. I wanted nothing more than to lean against him and let his strong, powerful arms protect me from the world.

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