Page 53 of Centering Kaos

She frowned. “You called me that last night, when I was most definitely not behaving like an angel.”

“I think you’re a bit hard on yourself.”

Again, her eyes glistened. She looked away, sniffling. “Can you blame me? Do you know what it’s like to hear people call your mom a whore? I couldn’t even argue with them. Instead, I vowed to be different. I made all these promises to myself… no sex until marriage, one husband for the rest of my life, no kids out of wedlock. I had all these great plans… all these ways to make sure I’d never turn out like my mom. My kids would never have to hear anyone call me the village bicycle.”

Shit, that was harsh. I wanted to reach out to her—to comfort her—but didn’t dare.

“Living with my uncle wasn’t much better. He was so mad at mom for everything that he kept us at an arm’s length. By the time I went to college I was so lonely.” Her voice sounded hollow. “Pullman was more than an hour away from Pomeroy. There were almost thirty-thousand students on campus. People didn’t know about my mom. It was… freeing. Then along came Matt, acting so sweet and caring, and I just wanted to be normal. I lost sight of all those promises I’d made to myself and let him lead me away from my dreams. I lost myself. And now, here you are. I’m not even legally divorced yet, and we… God.” She ran a hand through her hair and met my gaze. “I can’t lose myself again. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Understanding, I nodded, even as my world crashed down around me at her words. “Socrates once said, ‘The greatest way to live with honor is to be what we pretend to be.’ You are an angel, Tina. Matt clipped your wings for a time, but he can’t keep you from flying indefinitely.” The entire situation was fucked, and I had no idea how to fix it, but I had to try. Cupping her face in one hand, I said, “I’m not trying to change or cage you. I love you the way you are, and I want to help you fly.”

Her breath hitched.

“I know you feel something for me, too. I’m not sorry for what we did last night, but I want you to be happy. If going back to your sister’s is what you need right now, let me help you pack and drive you. I need to know you and Dylan are safe.”

This time, she couldn’t blink fast enough to keep a tear from sliding down her cheek. She hurriedly brushed it away and nodded. “Thank you.”

“Of course. Whatever you need.” I stood and went to wake up Dylan.

* * *

“I don’t want to go back to Aunt El’s,” Dylan said, glaring at the open back door of my Escalade. His gaze shot to me, and hurt flooded his big hazel eyes. “Do you want us to leave, Kaos?”

There was no good way to answer. If I said no, that growing chip on his shoulder would be directed at his mom. But if I said yes, I’d crush him. This was so fucking hard. I swallowed back the lump forming in my throat and looked to Tina. Tears stood in her eyes, but determination kept them from falling.

“We’ll discuss this later, Dylan. Get in the car,” she said.

Giving me one last look, he announced, “This is stupid.”

I agreed, but didn’t say as much as he climbed in, strapped in, and immediately put his headphones on. Apparently, we were on ignore. Couldn’t say I blamed the kid. With their suitcases loaded in the back, I opened Tina’s door for her before rounding the SUV and getting behind the wheel. Adjusting my rearview mirror, I caught sight of Dylan staring straight ahead, headphones on, arms folded. Nothing about this had been my decision, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was seriously letting him down.

If only I’d kept my dick in my pants.

Still, I didn’t regret having sex with Tina. I couldn’t. Not when I was desperately hoping for the chance to do it again. To do it every goddamn day for the rest of my life.

As we pulled out of the garage and headed down the street, she stared out the passenger side window like she couldn’t bear to look at me. I didn’t want to push her to talk, but the silence was suffocating. This felt like a game I’d played before. My team was down by a point with five seconds left on the clock.

Defeat was expected, which meant I had nothing to lose.

Time for a face-off.

“Thank you for telling me about your mom,” I said.

That got Tina’s attention. She turned to face me, her expression guarded. “You’re welcome.”

Silence stretched between us again. I wanted to say something, but I’d already taken a shot and needed to know I wasn’t in this game alone. She was watching me. As I focused on the road, I could feel her gaze on the side of my face.

“I’m sorry about last night,” she finally said, keeping her voice low. “I shouldn’t have come upstairs.”

I was doing my best to be understanding, but there was no way in hell I’d let her treat last night like a mistake. “Bullshit,” I said.

She blinked, obviously confused by my outburst, but not dissuaded. “I drank a little too much, but I shouldn’t have—”

“Bullshit,” I repeated. “You can tell yourself it was the wine if that makes you feel better, but when you’re talkin’ to me, I’m gonna need you to be a little more honest. We’ve been racing toward that cliff since the day we met. Alcohol was just the vehicle we chose to drive us over the edge.”

Clamping her mouth shut, she continued to stare at me.

“You wanted that to happen just as much as I did.” I smacked my steering wheel for emphasis. “Needed it. And goddammit, it felt amazing.”

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