Page 44 of Centering Kaos

“Absolutely. Bartenders have big ears and short memories. Whatever you say in this space, stays here. It’s the law. So, tell me what that look was for.”

She took another sip. “Well, I don’t feel very strong or beautiful.” She winced. “But that sounds like I’m fishing for compliments, and I’m not trying to do that. I’m just… I’m just a mess.”

“Aren’t we all?”

Her head whipped around, and she met my gaze. “You’re not.”

“You don’t think so?”

“No.” She gestured toward my wall of memorabilia. “You’ve won medals, earned your bachelor’s degree, served our country, and you have the resources and ability to help others. You’ve lived on your terms, and you didn’t let anyone hold you back.”

“Yeah, but I’ve also never had anyone to share my accomplishments with,” I admitted. “Living life on your own terms can get really fuckin’ lonely at times.”

I probably shouldn’t have said it—shouldn’t have opened up and shown her that vulnerability—but being around her and Dylan had really highlighted all the shit I’d missed out on. Besides, there was no taking my words back now. We sat in silence for a while, nursing our drinks as Tina bobbed her head to the music.

“You like this song?” I asked.

“Never heard it before, but it’s catchy. Surprising, though.”

“Why surprising?” I asked.

“It’s mellow and… upbeat. Aren’t bikers supposed to be into something a little darker and more anti-establishment? Shouldn’t you be up here raging against the machine or planning out your route on the highway to hell?”

I chuckled. “You sure do have some interesting theories about bikers.”

She winced. “Sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come out as judgy. I was really just messing with you. The bikers from your club seem… nice.”

She’d only met me, Tap, and Rabbit. Tap could probably be defined as nice, but Rabbit… Rabbit was fucking crazy. “No, you’re right. Rock and metal are usually what they play at the fire station, but I was a hockey player long before I was a biker. Had a teammate who introduced me to these tunes. Now, it’s what I listen to when I need to chill the fuck out.”

Her brow furrowed as she sipped wine. “Are you stressed about something?”

Not so much stressed as horny. And frustrated. “Just got a lot on my mind.”

“We’re not…” She seemed to struggle with the words. “If our being here is stressing you out—”

“It’s not,” I said, putting an end to that line of her thinking. “I like having you guys here. Breaks up the monotony and gives me someone to talk to. It’s nice.”

That seemed to appease her. She turned away, studying my wall of memorabilia. After a time, she asked, “What made you join the Army?”

It was one hell of an abrupt change of subject, and I cocked my head to the side, wondering what she wanted to hear.

“I mean, you clearly didn’t need the service to pay for your college. Were you after a certain experience? Or are you one of those wannabe superhero types?” The smile playing on her lips softened her words. I couldn’t tell if she was flirting with me or what.

“No. It’s nuthin’ as honorable as a superhero complex.” In fact, it was downright embarrassing, but I refused to sugar coat it or lie to her. “You sure you want to know? You’re probably gonna be disappointed. Might not ever look at me the same way again.”

“Oh?” She quirked an eyebrow at me. “Now I’m definitely interested. Do tell.”

“Well, I had a bit of an ego back before I joined the Army.”

She leaned closer, giving me a close up of her bright, hazel eyes, and it took everything in me not to fucking drown in them. “I’d imagine an ego is a requirement for athletes who play professional sports,” she said.

I smiled. “Thanks, but there’s no need to make excuses for my shitty behavior. Too many people let it slide over the years, and their leni… lenien…” Unable to get my tongue to form the word, I gave up. “And that shit didn’t do me any favors. Nowadays, I try to surround myself with people honest enough to knock me down a peg or two whenever I get to thinkin’ I’m all high and mighty.”

“Carisa…”

“She doesn’t knock me down a peg or two. She shoves me down the whole fuckin’ ladder, then beats me with it for my trouble.” My smile turned into a chuckle as I shook my head. “But yeah, I appreciate the hell out of her for it. Anyway, the team I was with decided not to renew my contract. My agent had secured a couple of other offers, but they were nowhere near what I thought I was worth. I was at the bar, throwin’ a fuckin’ toddler-sized tantrum and feeding my anger with whiskey when an Army recruiter plopped himself down on the stool next to me. He introduced himself, and some sort of dumbass bullshit came out of my mouth, sounding a lot like, ‘Oh, I always wanted to join the Army’.”

Tina giggled. Fucking giggled. It was the sweetest, most authentic, most musical sound I’d ever heard. I froze, staring at her and gobbling up every blessed second of it. She noticed, and her cheeks turned bright red. Straightening, she cleared her throat and said, “Continue.”

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