Page 49 of Taming Bull

“Yeah, it surprised the hell out of me, too. I mean, look at him.” I was sure Bull had plenty of offers for sex, but he was a good guy. He’d stayed faithful to Amber even after her death.

“Gotta say, the ex’s suicide makes a lot more sense,” Monica said. “Can you imagine saving yourself like that and then some asshole rips it all away? She had all these hopes and dreams of this perfect life, and he… he must have shattered her.”

Monica could relate. Her Air Force fighter pilot career had been stolen by a sleeping trucker. All her hard work and training gone instantly, her life forever changed. She didn’t talk much about the days afterward, but she’d had multiple surgeries that had barely saved her life. Her parents were afraid she was going to give up, so they’d called in Naomi and Stocks. The two of them had kidnapped Monica and brought her to Seattle, where they forced her to remember she was a queen.

“Butyoudidn’t give up,” I pointed out.

“Oh, I wanted to. Trust me. But Naomi… she’s a force to be reckoned with. Everyone needs the kind of friend who’s unafraid to kick your ass when you need it. Maybe Amber didn’t feel like she had that.”

That made me sad for the girl. “I still don’t understand why she didn’t reach out to Bull, but I guess we’ll never know.”

“Nope.” Monica smiled at me. “The only thing we can do now is take care of Bull and make sure none of our own feel that crushing hopelessness alone.”

“Deal,” I said, smiling back at her.

14

Bull

ISAT ON my bed with an old shoebox in front of me. It had taken me a half hour—and two beers—to work up the courage to remove the lid. Now the contents mocked me, making me feel like a goddamn chicken for wanting to close the box back up and return it to its spot hidden away on the top of my closet.

No. It’s time.

Drawing in a ragged breath, I reached for the first item. Amber’s last letter, sent just days before her death. I’d received it after I’d gotten out of the brig, and I read it at least a hundred times, searching for clues about her suicide. The folds were worn, making the ink difficult to read in places, but despite not opening the box since I’d arrived in Seattle, I knew the damn thing by heart.

* * *

Deryk,

It’s been a while since we’ve connected online, so I wanted to write and check up on you. I miss you, and I’m feeling a little homesick today. Probably because I’ve been studying like crazy for finals. I can’t wait to go home and rest for the summer, but I wish you were going to be there. It’s not the same without you.

James and Molly broke up. She was invited to a party at a frat house and wanted to go. He got upset and they fought. It was super awkward. I swear the entire cafeteria was in on their fight. Molly asked me to go with her to the party, but I don’t know. It’d be nice for the whole college experience, but you know me. Frat parties aren’t really my thing.

How are you?

Where are you?

I miss you.

I should probably get back to studying. Thank God this year is almost over.

Love always,

Amber

* * *

I folded the note back up and set it aside, reaching for the stack of photos and letters beneath it. Our senior prom photo, a picture of us at her cousin’s wedding, wrist bands from the county fair, movie tickets from when she dragged my ass to go seeThe Fault in Our Starswith her, so many memories hidden away in a single shoebox. I took out each one and allowed myself to remember the way things really were.

In my memories, Amber and I were both so immature. I thought about the conversations and dreams we’d shared. Like her mother, Amber was a planner. She’d planned out our wedding, the honeymoon, how many kids we’d have, where we’d live, everything. She lived in the future, and painted me a picture of her goals every chance she got. I never questioned her, disagreed, or offered my opinion, choosing to let her rattle on for years about her perfect life. About the life she wanted to share with me.

But looking back now, I realized we didn’t dream about the same things.

Amber was planning a big-ass formal wedding, complete with tuxes, gowns, and flowers I couldn’t even pronounce. I couldn’t care less if our big event was the talk of the town, but she was hung up on the prospect of making it bigger and better than any ceremony before it. I had no desire to live out my days in Shiner, Texas, but she fantasized about a big yellow house, sandwiched between her parents and mine, planning to pop out one kid after the next. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t opposed to having a couple of kids, but Amber had wanted enough to form her own co-ed softball team. I wanted to travel… to adventure. I didn’t see how we could go anywhere with a whole herd of kids holding us down.

Still, I let her dream.

Now wondering if I’d always known her dreams would never come to fruition, I pulled every last item from the box. At the bottom, was her ring: a simple princess cut diamond for the girl I believed I’d spend the rest of my life with. I slipped it onto the tip of my index finger and looked it over, expecting the pain of losing her to hit me all over again.

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