Page 11 of Still Burning

I wished I could erase those memories from my head, yet they were seared inside my soul. The darkness that now resided there was made up of those horrific clips in time. It had changed me, taking me from the boy I had been to the man I had become.But even still, it was her that I wanted above everything else.

Eighteen Years Ago

I stunk so strongly of the cheap whiskey I’d consumed for the past seventy-five hours that my pores oozed the scent. I could smell myself as I climbed the stairs of the dorm where Salem lived. I’d had to sober up to make the drive here.

When I’d realized she’d not only run away from the scene behind the shop but from Florida altogether and come back to college, I had thrown a lamp and two picture frames and put my fist through the wall in my bedroom before falling to my knees and sobbing. Once that was over, I’d moved on to the whiskey and not stopped until this morning, when I knew I had to talk to her.

My mistake would forever haunt me. It already did. The replayof her face would shred me every time it appeared in my head. I deserved it. The anguish that came with it.

But I had done what I’d thought would be impossible for me.

I’d pushed her away. I just had to end it. Let her go. Mom had been right. She was going to give this up for me. Leave here and come back home. Sure, she hadn’t said it yet. She had believed she could stay a little longer. But I knew that would lead to her never going back. I loved her too much to be the reason she didn’t follow her dreams.

I wanted to believe that when she had her degree and she was doing what she loved, then she’d come back to me. Fuck knew I’d be waiting. I’d always wait for her. But if I said all that—even after what I had done to her, what she’d seen—she would forgive me, and I would end up allowing her to slowly change her life to be with me. Until I did exactly what Mom had said I would.

She would heal and move on with her life. It would be me who suffered and never found a path for mine. Without her, I didn’t have a goal. There was no dream I had to chase. Salem was my dream, but I was the thing that weighed her down, the obstacle in her way.

Standing outside her door, I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the sight of her. It would be a goddamn miracle if I didn’t fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness. If I was going to do this successfully, then I couldn’t look her in the eye. She’d see the torment in mine if I did. Know that the shit coming out of my mouth was not the truth. Not what I wanted.

Steeling myself, I lifted my hand and rapped my knuckles on her door, then waited. There was a chance she might not open the door when she saw me standing here through the peephole. I knew she was here. Her car was outside in the parking lot.

When the doorknob turned, I forced back every emotion I could, shutting myself off. Trying not to think about her, us, a future without her by my side. The pounding in my temples andunsettled stomach from the hangover I was suffering from was nothing compared to the sick knot in my stomach.

The door slowly opened, and I made the mistake of lifting my eyes from the spot on the floor where I had been staring to see her face. Dark circles beneath red-rimmed eyes destroyed whatever was left of my soul. I’d done that to her. My beautiful girl was broken. She even looked thinner, as if she hadn’t eaten in weeks, even though she’d been in my bed, asleep, four nights ago.

Salem deserved more. She deserved the fucking world. Not the shitstorm I had become. I wanted her to have it all. When I’d made the choice not to attend college but to go to trade school instead, I’d thought this was what I wanted with my life. But now…I wanted more. I wanted to have the money to give us a good life in the future. The ability to buy a large piece of land near the water and build her the house of her dreams. Raise a family with her, grow old with her.

Sinking my teeth into the belief that she’d come back to me one day, I walked inside the room. She stepped back silently to let me inside. She was alone. I wouldn’t have to do this elsewhere. Rip my heart out and leave it on the floor at her feet, then walk away. No fucking big deal.

I didn’t meet her hurt gaze again. There was only so much I could take, and I was already at my breaking point. When I was done with this, it would be a shattering that I endured. A darkness settled deep in me as I said the words that I’d practiced in my head on the drive over here.

“You left without saying anything,” I said hoarsely.

“And you had your dick in another girl’s mouth.” Her voice wavered as she said the words.

Not wincing was hard.Loathingwasn’t a strong enough word for how I felt about myself.

“Yeah, didn’t know you were coming to the shop,” I said, tryingto sound unscathed and like my world wasn’t about to be taken from me.

She let out something that was a cross between a laugh and a sob. Fuck, I had to do this and leave, or I wouldn’t be able to do it. What I’d done to her, I’d never be able to take it back. I didn’t deserve Salem, and I never had. But I had claimed her anyway. Now it was time to set her free.

“We want different things in life. We’ve grown apart, and it’s just going to get worse. It’s time to stop holding on to something that needs to end.” I choked out the words and walked back to the door. I hadn’t gotten far from it. Said what I’d needed to, and I had to get the hell out before I cracked.

“Wh-what?” she stammered in disbelief.

I grabbed the cold handle. “You’ll thank me one day,” I told her, and that was probably the only truth I’d said since she opened the door.

Knowing I shouldn’t look back, I turned around anyway when I stepped back into the hallway. One last time. Just in case she didn’t come back to me. If this was the last time.

Tears were streaming down her face as she closed the distance between us. My driving need to grab her and hold her, reassure her, promise her anything was clawing at me.

“Fuck you, Rome Bower,” she sobbed as she glared at me with more pain than hate.

The sharp crack of her hand against my cheek startled me, but it didn’t hurt. Nothing would ever hurt again. Not after I endured the worst torment a man could face. Losing his soul.

5

Salem

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