Page 42 of The Billionaire & the Nanny: Part 4

The park is serene, as we walk, pushing Liam in his stroller. All around us are families. We look like one of them, but we’re not one of them, and suddenly, I’m feeling emotional. “You okay?” Kase asks, dipping his head to look up into my eyes. “You’re quieter than usual.”

“Yeah.”

“What’s wrong, hon?” he asks in a way, as though he doesn’t really want to know the answer.

“Nothing, really. Just remembering how I used to go on walks with my parents sometimes and the kids they cared for. It always bothered me that these kids got better clothes than I did, better stroller, better shoes, better attention overall. I wanted that attention for myself. I didn’t want them having my parents. I wanted my parents all for me.”

“I’m sorry you went through that,” Kase says. For a moment, he puts his arm around me, then he takes it away. Tears rise into my eyes, because for the first time since Miami, I want his touch. A gentle touch, not the sex we have almost every night. I want that moment again, the one where he came unhinged and nearly became himself right in front of me. But right as he noticed himself giving it up, he reeled himself in again.

I want to see the real Kase. The completely unfiltered Kase. It’s something I need to see once and for all, so I can decide if I should invest any more emotion or energy into him. If I had it my way, we’d be dating now. We’d be together, people would know about it, and I could call my mother and tell her I’ve met someone.

But I’m neither here nor there, and that’s not a place I want to be.

That’s the place I lived my entire life. Not completely ignored by my parents, but not the apple of their eyes either. There was always competition, and this time the competition is Kase’s past. I don’t want to share Kase with his demons anymore. I want him to give them up. I want to know one way or another where we stand, so I can tell my heart which way to go.

I’m no good at acting and can’t do it anymore.

“Alana, you’re crying.” Kase stops walking and faces me. Thumbs wipe my eyes and he pulls me in for a strong, safe hug. I want to melt into him and stay there all day, but I’m only hurting myself. If he’s never going to talk to me, if he’s never going to let me in, then I may as well do what’s right and put an end to this.

“Yes, I’m crying.”

“Why?”

“Because I have feelings for you, Kase. And even though we’re closer than we’ve ever been, I still feel like you’re a million miles away, and that’s not something I ever wanted.”

“I know. I told you, Alana. I told you I couldn’t go too deep. I knew you’d want more.”

“Why can’t you give more?”

He pulls away. “I want to.”

“Then do it. I’ll help you. You can trust me, Kase. I don’t want to be anyone’s second best anymore. I want full attention, full love.” The moment I say it, I know I’ve fucked it all up. He runs a hand through his hair and blows out that frustrated breath of his. “But I can wait,” I add.

Because now I’m scared of losing him.

Scared I said too much.

Still, it’s out there. Though I tried to play it cool by telling him I could handle this, that I could be with him and not need any emotion from him, I only pretended to be strong enough in order to get one step closer. The truth is, I love this. I love us walking together like a family. I love Liam babbling and looking up at both of us, and I love the way Kase looks at me like I would make the most amazing mother for his child. I would do this even if I didn’t get paid.

But getting paid is a fine line between me being his nanny and his girlfriend, and he’s sure to keep me on the payroll just so he won’t have to dig deep into himself.

“Alana, hon…let’s talk about this later over dinner. I know you want more from me, but I don’t know if I can give it. I’m a damaged man. With…memories…” He grips his head, shakes it. “And pain. I told you that.”

“I don’t think you’re any more damaged than I am, or the guy next door, or the guy in the apartment above us. We all have demons and secrets. We all have ugly parts, Kase.”

But he continues to shake his head, like I know nothing. Like I’m just a child with so much to learn. So I let it go, because I don’t want to be that girl. You know the one, the pushy girlfriend who drives her man away instead of luring him closer, because she wants, wants, wants, and can’t let it go.

Thing is, I may be young but I know when I love someone, when I’m willing to go the distance just to help them be happy, and I want that with Kase. I know I’m crazy—that he’s my boss, and I’m his nanny with whom he’s started a bad, very unorthodox relationship—but maybe it could happen. Possibly.

I mean, before anything else—we’re just a man and a woman, right? Like he told me once.

Just then, his phone buzzes in his pocket, giving me a moment to think and him a mental break from PsychoNanny. I crouch to smile into Liam’s face. I need a happy, bubbly spit smile right now. Liam doesn’t think about whether he should love me or not. He doesn’t worry about the consequences of love. He just loves. Liam knows a good thing when he sees it.

At that moment, a little kid of about four or five comes running down the path and swipes Liam’s beanie right off his head then disappears into the trees towards a playground on the other side.

“Hey!” I yell, but the kid just sticks his tongue out at me and keeps running.

“What the fuck was that?” Kase looks up from his phone.

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