I’m simultaneously relieved and mortified at the sametime.
What does it mean that Carson’s congratulatingme?
Does this mean I officially have a girlfriend? Isn’t there an in-between stage a man can be at where they’re bringing a girl around but it’s not official and people aren’t already saving money to buy you a wedding gift? Wherever that stage is, that’s the most I can handle rightnow.
That night,we get home in time to see Olivia getting ready for bed. I have to say, there’s something soothing about coming home to that chunky monkey, as Bailey calls her, and squeezing that pudgy baby flesh and smelling her skin when she holds onto your neck so close. Ugh, I fucking knew I shouldn’t get to knowher.
Bailey’s eyes practically sparkle when Olivia hugsme.
How do I tell this kid that I love her, but I’m scared? That families terrify me. That one thing could come along to ruin anything she and I build, and it could all be over in an instant. Though she hasn’t been through it, I have. And I can’t do it again.
I love seeing those sapphires light up, eyes so much like her Uncle Callum who no longer exists except in her ethereal smile. “Here—I can’t take this.” I hand the baby back to Bailey who gives me weird looks while I escape to my room, strip down naked, and slide into bed, staring at the ceiling wondering what the fuck I’ve gotten myselfinto.
A little while later, Bailey comes in and closes the door. She slides off her pants down to her shirt and panties and crawls into bed with me. “You okay, babe?” Babe. She’s been calling me that for about a week now. I kind of love it, but I kind of cringe every time I hear it. It’s a slippery slope, and I’m barely hangingon.
“I’m good.” I don’t mention how uncomfortable I felt at parts of the night with my friends watching us so closely. I don’t mention how I’m willing to push through these things, because I think I feel for her and Olivia, too.
Instead, I pull her into my arms to shush her. It’s the only thing I can do sometimes.
Nottalk.
At night, the love we make is slow, deliberate, and powerful. Her curvy fine ass crawls up onto my body and sits itself down on me, riding me slow, building me up gradually to new heights. Slippery slope, Zayden. In too deep. Her breasts, her flat stomach, her round curves, her doll face, that blonde hair falling down her shoulders in waves that make her look like a Botticelli painting. She’s gorgeous, and she’s mine. At least I keep telling myself that sheis.
Where did she come from? Is the universe trying to tell me something? Because I’m not sure for how long I can keep this going. She’s already outlasted any other women I’ve dated. I’m good with her sleeping here tonight, every night if she wants to, and I’m good with this thing we got going. But there’s levels to everything. What happens when it comes time for Olivia to go? What happens when Bailey can’t handle it all coming to anend?
Everything’s going to fall apart. If you let it, my inner voice tellsme.
If I letit.
I claim to be a man in control. I’ve controlled every aspect of my life until now. I control my business, my contacts, my social life, my constant stream of women, my finances, and everything under the sun. But I can’t control how I feel for Bailey, and I can’t control the rate of speed at which I’m falling forher.
I can’t control how much I love watching her bare body rise and fall and twist and bear down and take me in and use me, use me good, because it’s what I’m good at, making her feel good. Until when, though?
When she comes hard and cries out, there’s no sweeter sound in all the world, no more beautiful sight than her head leaning to one side, as she croons out her pleasure, her nipples perking with goose flesh, ripples radiating up her torso. I can’t hold out, nor do I want to. I want to feel myself inside of her, spilling thick ropes of seed, coming deep into her, giving her a part of me, giving her everything.
Whatever I have, I want her to take it. I’m out of control. Completely. In love. With her, with Olivia, with this little life we’re living, with this semblance of a family that echoes of my own from long ago. And it’s terrifying. So fucking terrifying, I fall asleep with her in my arms, wondering how long before the mirage fades. How long before the chemicals even out. How long before the dream fades, and it’s back to reality.
Because it will, you know. Itwill.
It alwaysdoes.