Page 39 of The Billionaire and the Nanny

“But it could have!” he shouts, standing halfway out of the chair only to sit down again.

I won’t be scared by Ethan’s antics. I don’t care how loud he gets with me, his bark is worse than his bite. I don’t back down. “I understand,” I say quietly. “But my point is, we should be grateful it wasn’t worse.”

“This has nothing to do with gratitude, Penelope. This has to do with me, my inefficiency as a parent. I can’t dothis.”

“What?”

“I can’t…fuck…” He drops his head into his hands and shakes it. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m not fit to be a parent.”

I want to slap him so hard. But I also understand that he’s going through emotions. Sitting in the hard chair next to him, I put my arm over his shoulder, knowing there’s a good chance he’ll shrug his way out of it. Ethan has a way of not allowing himself happiness or even comfort. “Ethan, listen to me. All babies have accidents. All parents go through scares likethis…”

“Don’t…do that, Penelope.”

“Dowhat?”

“Tell me this is normal. It’s not. Nothing about this is normal. Her nearly dying isn’t normal, and us being here together isn’t normal. Nothing is normal.”

I can’t help but feel hurt by his words. “So, you hate this new normal? Is that what you’re saying? You hate the way your life has changed? Because I don’t. I’ve had the best time of my life here with you, Ethan. With you and Lilly Belle, and even though I didn’t expect to feel any of the one thousand different feelings I’ve had, I’m still grateful for them. I welcomethem.”

“Well, we process things differently.”

“I know. But don’t think for a second that I haven’t been scared by what’s been happening between us, because I have. I’m scared that it won’t last, I’m scared that you won’t want me anymore, and I’m scared about the adoption. I just choose to be happy.”

“Well, good for you. You’re Mary Fucking Poppins, practically perfect in every way.” The anger is palpable.

“I think you’re just scared about what happened tonight.”

“You bet your ass I’m scared.” He pulls away from me. “When my sister left her to me, I swore I’d take care ofher.”

“And youhave.”

“I didn’t know how I would do that, and for a while, I thought that meant by hiring other people to do it for me. You, an adoption agency, whoever. Either way, I would take care of her,” he says. “And I failed tonight, Penelope. I nearly fucked it allup.”

“But you didn’t,” I say quietly.

His eyes turn on me. “Get it through your head. I’m not cut out for this kind oflife.”

“This is just one moment. One bad, scary moment, but it will pass,” I plead, starting to feel sick. Starting to feel legitimately nauseous. The look on hisface.

The worst is happening.

“Penelope,” he says, and his voice breaks. “We’re living a lie pretending to be parents. I’m the child’s uncle, and you’re her nanny. And that’s the reality. That’s the truth.”

“We are whoever we say weare.”

“No, the world doesn’t work that way. We can’t go on believing we’re a family just because we look like one. I’ve let myself live in a dreamland for too many weeksnow.”

“A dreamland?” I scoff. “Is that what you call this amazing life we’ve been living? Seemed pretty damn real to me, Ethan.” I fight the tears rising in my eyes. How dare he negate everything we have just gone through, pretend it didn’t happen or call it a mistake?

“And because of it, we need to go back to the way thingswere.”

“No, don’t do this…that’s your fear talking…”

“It’s logic talking. Someone has to be the voice of reason in any given situation. I have to be the voice of reason right now, Penelope. This has to end. For all our sakes. Starting tomorrow, I go back to work at the office. You go back to being nanny full-time. In a few days, I’ll call the adoption agency…”

“No. Ethan, please…”

“I cannot be a father. I cannot play house anymore. It was irresponsible of me, and now it’s time to get back on track.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I was nothing to him all this time. I was a nanny with benefits and nothing more. Lilly Belle was nothing to him. He’s weak and scared and cold-hearted. The sooner I stop forcing him into the mold I’d hoped for the man in my life, the happier I’ll be. Ethan Townsend has left the building.

I shake my head. “I thought we were more thanthis.”

“You thought wrong.”

The tears spill over. I hate myself for crying in front of him. “This is not the voice of reason. Allowing yourself to be happy is the voice of reason. Being the father that little girl needs is the voice of reason. I don’t care if you let me go. I don’t care if you find happiness with another woman. I hope I taught you to believe in love, even if it’s not with me. I’d be happy with that. But don’t tell me that ending this family for Lilly Belle is what’s best for her, because I’m not buying it. You’re her father now, Ethan. Step up to the plate, and be thatman.”

Shoving the curtain aside, I pace down the hallway to the stares of nurses and doctors. I’m not leaving. I would never leave that little girl unless he forced me to go, but I need fresh air. I need to get away from his negativity. Let him sit in that room stewing in his own pain, realizing that without me, without the family we created, he is nothing but a ghost of himself.

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