Page 11 of Spinning Out Of Control

Kicking my feet with glee, Itype out a response.

From:Kira McKenna

To:Jonathan Graham

Subject:RE: Monday Meeting

Jonathan,

Seven a.m. Monday morning. Got it. See ya then.

Kira McKenna

Head Instructor & VP of Talent Acquisition, Spin Sync Inc.

“Life is short, lift heavy shit.”

6

KIRA

When my alarm goes off before the ass crack of dawn on Monday morning, I groan out loud. It feels like I haven't slept at all even though I spent the whole previous day in bed. The combination of coming down from the high of teaching, brunch with my friends, and Jonathan’s email sent my brain spinning long after my body had calmed down.

It wasn’t the worst mood dip I’ve had in my life, but it was enough to take me out for the entire day. If it weren’t for needing to feed my beloved Betta fish, Pancakes, I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed at all.

Hell, I barely feel like getting out of bed now. The all-too familiar fog makes even breathing difficult.

I started experiencing these depressive episodes during my freshman year of college. I can recall wild dips in my mood all the way back to my childhood, but the changes I was going through at nineteen reallyexasperated the imbalances in my neurotransmitters. After the first time I found myself incapable of leaving my bed for hours on end, I started to refer to the experience as 'the spins'. When my serotonin level dips below zero, the feeling I get is akin to that of throwing back one too many shots of tequila and being unable to control my brain and body.

Unlike when I drink too much, my depressive spins can't be fixed with a few ibuprofens and a good puke session. When the spins settle in like they did late Saturday night, my only way through is to bury my head in the sand, sleep as much as I can and avoid outside triggers, like social media and general people-ing. Not that tough of a task when I usually lack the ability or motivation to breathe, much less do anything else when they happen.

Yesterday morning when I was out of bed and feeding Pancakes his breakfast, I thought about calling my dads. They know all about my depressive episodes. When they started, I was in LA; they were in Tennessee, but they'd dropped everything when I called them one night to tell them I loved them. It was early March during my sophomore year, and I was so, so tired. I was going to class and work and cheer practice, but I wasn’t there. My body might have been, but my mind was empty, save for the dark thoughts I couldn’t stop from creeping in.

Pops and IronDad–nicknamed by my brother and me for his unwavering crush on Robert Downey Jr–hadno way of knowing that that late night ‘I love you’ call had been my way of saying goodbye. I didn't tell them about the bottle of pills I'd been staring at for hours and that I had no intentions of seeing the sunrise the next morning, but somehow, they knew.

"What a coincidence, we love you too,” IronDad had said on the other end of the phone. "So much, in fact, that Pops and I are California bound. We're on our way to the airport as we speak. We were going to surprise you, baby girl."

I can't leave if my dads are on their way,I thought to myself as I shoved my dark ideations back into a drawer. I loved them too much to be just a body when they arrived. The pills could wait. IronDad and Pops would visit, and I would feel better and if I didn't, the pills would still be there when they were gone.

When they arrived, I broke down and told them everything. They stayed with me for months as I found doctors, a therapist, and the right medication to help balance my brain. That first night, as I cried into Pop's chest, IronDad said something to me I will never forget.

"Baby girl, this battle in your head is going to feel impossible. Some days, it's going to feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel and life is going to try to knock you down at every turn. Sometimes it's going to succeed. But when you're down here on the ground, I need you to remember one thing. All you have to do is get back up. You don't have to fight back; you just need to stand up. And you never, ever have to do it alone.Me and Pops will always be here to help get you back on your feet. We'll be there holding you up until you feel like you can stand on your own again, and even then, we'll be one step behind you, ready to catch you if you fall. You can let these dark thoughts push you down, but you never, ever let them keep you down. You got it?"

My dads saved my life that night and have continued to be my light, even on my darkest days. Even so, I kept to myself yesterday. I didn't call them. I sure as hell didn't reach out to my friends. Not that I think my girls wouldn't be there for me—Dottie, Rach and Georgie are my ride or die crew. They know I take an SSRI every day and see a therapist regularly, but they don't know about the spins. I haven't wanted to burden them with my pain. It wouldn't be fair. I'm the fun friend. I'm the disco ball that the party of our lives happens around. If they knew that I wasn't all sunshine all the time, they'd treat me differently. They might not mean to, but it's a natural inclination. They'd tiptoe around me, and I couldn't take the pity.

I've been handling this on my own with only my parents for a long time, and I'm doing just fine.

I stare up at my ceiling in the darkness of my bedroom, absolutely dreading the day ahead. I'm still not feeling great in my head or my body. I don’t even feel like doing my morning guided meditations. If it wasn't for this mandatory meeting, I’d be calling out sick today. Pulling up my calendar, I see that I'm scheduledto film a shadow boxing class as well as two spin classes on my own today. It's content that will be dropped on our on demand platform later in the week and doesn't require students in the studio with me. That just won't do.

If I'm going to have to put on my typical peppy persona on camera today, I'm going to need an audience to fake it in front of. Pulling up the Spin Sync instructor group chat, I decide to see if anyone wants to switch schedules with me. The production assistants don't love it when we trade off classes, but as long as we promise not to mess with the class plans, they let it slide.

Sweat Mafia Group Chat

Kira

Anyone have a members class this morning they want to pawn off? I've got a shadowbox & 2 HIIT ride pre-films up for grabs

James

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