Page 30 of Small Town Beast

Where is Amari right now? Is he safe? Does he miss me?

“Excuse me,” an all-too-familiar voice drawled at the bar. “Does a woman named Tanya work here?”

Icy water slopped on Tanya’s shoes as she halted in her tracks.

No. It can’t be.

She couldn’t breathe.

How did he find me?

“Tanya? What’s wrong?”

She shoved the tray into Gwen’s hands and started fumbling with her apron ties. “I got to go.”

“Is it Amari? Is he sick?”

Tanya hadn’t told anybody at work about her missing son, and they were all under fifty so nobody had seen her ad in the paper. She pushed the wadded-up apron at Gwen. “I need to leave right now. I am so sorry.”

“Is it that man?” said Gwen, who could think fast when the moment called. “You know him or something?” She took one look at Tanya’s petrified face and hurried her friend towards the doors. “Nevermind– run out back, I’ll cover for you.”

“Thank you, baby. I’m sorry. I’ll–- I have to–”

“Go,” Gwen hissed. “He’s coming back here!”

Tanya fled.

The next daywas Tanya’s day off. The dream of a tall man laying over her, moving inside her, melted back into the night as the sun coming through the broken blinds woke her. A different heaviness replaced the phantom man’s weight. It was the sixteen-ton load of another day with Amari gone.

She closed her eyes, fighting the overpowering desire to go back to bed.How can I get up and act like he’s not gone? Like I have it together?

Just a month ago she might have woken up to find Amari had climbed into bed with her.Ma, I was scared.

He’d been in that stage where he followed her everywhere. He hated being alone. Tanya was rough on him in the beginning.You need to stay in your own bed. You got to be a big boy. Nothing is chasing you, it was just a dream!

She always wondered if she was being too soft, and then when she saw his trembling face she wondered if she was going too strong. Being a single mom was hard, feeling like she had to be both mom and dad. In the end she couldn’t bring herself to send him back to his room. She let him sleep, and in the morning she told him not to do it again, but every night he’d be right back,curled up next to her. And really she didn’t mind, because he was her whole world.

She let herself pretend Amari was sleeping next to her now. That she’d open her eyes and find him there. He’d curl up closer, putting his feet on her back to get them warm.

But he wasn’t there.

Amari was gone.

Gone.

Her desire to sleep evaporated. She felt like things were crawling on her.God, how could you take that sweet baby from me?She went to Amari’s bedroom, separated from hers by a small door. She ate her breakfast in there– just a cup of tea and a piece of toast– while staring blindly at Amari’s little bed, his stuffed elephant, and his tiny shelf she had just started filling up with storybooks from the church sales.

Tears filled her eyes but she didn’t let them fall. If she cried for Amari, it meant she had given up. She couldn’t eat more than a couple bites so she put the plate and cup down and climbed into Amari’s tiny bed. It still smelled like the hair tonic she had braided up his curly hair with. The last time she’d seen him, she handed him off to her mother and hugged him tight, smelling his head.Love you, Amari.

Love you mommy.

Tanya’s phone rang. She pulled it towards her, her arms feeling like lead weights.

Bee.Tanya had a bad feeling as she hit ANSWER.

“Tanya?”

Bee was whispering. Not good.

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