Page 93 of What Is Dark Within Me

“I’m sorry. There’s been pressing business and you needed rest. I could make it up to you by fucking you on your throne?”

“Maybe later,” she said, ignoring how her body reacted to his question. If Nicolas was going to run off again, there might not be another chance to speak before she lost her nerve. “I’ve come to ask about something else.”

He raised an eyebrow. His hair was mussed, as if he’d been somewhere by the ocean and it was sticky with sea salt. Aleja took a deep breath. “I want you to take me to see the Second. I want to undergo the Trials. I want to be a Dark Saint again.”

Nicolas looked away, hand tightening around the back of the throne. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, but you need to know this is a terrible time to become a Dark Saint.”

“I thought you’d be happy,” she said, unable to keep a hint of accusation from her voice. “We’re down two Saints. The Hiding Place is losing stability.”

“The Trials are extremely dangerous. Not everyone surv—”

“I managed them before.”

“War is coming, Alejandra. It’s all but inevitable now that we’ve broken the truce. Where do you think I disappear to every day? I’ve been contacting old allies, trying to find the last of the missing Saints.”

“Which is exactly why you need me back. I want to help. I don’t understand why—” she began.

Nicolas cut her off. “Because you’ve been given the gift of choice. You could go back to the human realm. Buy a plane ticket to Italy. Go see all the paintings you’ve looked at in your books. Drink wine every night. Fall in love with someone.”

She noticed how his voice wavered on the last line and resisted the urge to take his hand. Infuriatingly stubborn,stupidNicolas. “Is that what you really want?”

He paused, jaw clenched. “You know my answer.”

Aleja smothered the rush of anger that nearly made its way to her fingertips as fire. “You’re always the one going on about free will! This ismychoice. I may not have my memories, but I’m still her. I think like her. I fight like her. And this war is going to affect me, whether or not I go back to the human world.”

Nicolas's shoulders sagged as he met her gaze again. This time, when her inner voice spoke, it was as if the woman had stopped screaming and instead slipped a note gently beneath the locked door separating them.Nic has spent so long trying to strip himself of his humanity, and he has failed miserably.

“Besides, I changed my mind. I’d like you to fuck me on the throne after all,” she finished.

He gave a half-smile, at odds with an otherwise dark expression. “If you think one Astraelis was bad, try hundreds—thousands—of them. And that’s only if you make it through the Trials first.”

“Tad has been training me. He doesn’t want to be High General by the time the war comes.”

“It’ll be too risky to have contacts in the human world when the Astraelis realize you’re back. You’ll have to say goodbye to the entirety of your human life. Your cousin. Your friends. Any plans you had for the future. They’ll mourn and eventually, they’ll move on, never knowing what became of you. And if Violet returns there, I’ll be taking her memories of you and me first. Her knowledge puts her in danger, should the Astraelis realize who she is.”

Aleja had thought about this many times, but it still felt like someone was slowly driving a dagger into her chest. The blade ground through the thick bone of her sternum, making its slow and sure way to her heart. “I understand.”

She didn't tell Nicolas she’d spent most of last night looking at pictures of Paola on her phone, trying not to sob.

“I’ve thought about it,” she insisted. “I’m ready.”

“You’ll have to start training immediately. We’ll set them for a year and a day from now; it’s less time than you would want, but if the Astraelis get wind Our Lady of Wrath is returning, they might make a move. It’ll be grueling. I’ll do everything I can to help you, but once the Trials start… you’ll be on your own.”

“I know that too.”

“And what about that last thing?”

Aleja scrunched her nose. “‘The whole fucking me on my throne thing?”

“Yes.”

His body heat was much warmer than a human’s—something she still hadn’t gotten used to. Aleja wondered if it would feel as intense once she was an Otherlander. If she would miss it.

“It seemed like you never wanted to before…” she murmured.

“There was only so much I could handle if—if you weren’t going to stay. If you wouldn’t forgive me for…” he began. His face looked so human, she thought. She wanted to cup it between her hands, but she didn’t move yet.

“Well, I’m here and—”

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