Page 55 of Heart of the Shadow King

Was I a good wife?

Now there is a difficult question, one I have often considered.

I did not love Gaur. I never could, not when my heart was . . . but no matter. I was faithful to the vows I made. Let no one ever cast doubt on the truth of my son’s parentage. Vor is Gaur’s son, though a better man than his father in every way.

After the marriage everything changed for me. The future I had secretly hoped to be mine was no longer possible. I had nothing save the power inside me and Gaur’s relentless need for me to hone it. He offered more blood sacrifices to the Deeper Dark, feeding the Urzulhar Circle until the stones pulsed blood-red bothlusterlinganddimness.He brought in larger and larger numbers of people—all so-called convicts—to be put throughva-jor.

One day, there were children in the midst of the criminals.

I protested. I told Gaur I wouldn’t do it. He insisted this entire town had betrayed Mythanar, plotting against me and my half-human son. He said they harbored rebels who would see both Vor and me dead and claimed they must be placed inva-jornow so they might one day be reborn as better versions of themselves.

I told him to stop lying. Both to himself and to me. He was making me murder these people. This was why they protested my presence in this world.

“I won’t do it,” I declared. So brave. So bold.

So foolish.

Gaur was desperate. At the rate the stirrings increased, he knew it was a matter of time before the dragon woke. Perhaps not in his lifetime, but certainly in the lifetime of his son. Gaur had a future to provide for, and he would not be thwarted by the timidity of one human woman. He dragged one of the children forward and held a knife to its throat. He told me he would kill the child himself if I did not do as he asked. When the child’s mother begged and pleaded for its life, Gaur declared, “We have our sacrifice.”

This time when they killed her, they made it last.

They kept her blood warm and alive as it fed the stones.

I’ll never forget her screams. I’ll never forget the intense flow of power coursing through my being, my bones. I’ll never forget.

And they all enteredva-jor.Every man, woman, and child.

Even then, my heart was not hardened as it is now. Even then, I remained soft, tender. And so vulnerable. The experience drove me to the brink of madness. I wanted to die. My love for Vor was not enough to sustain me. So, I fled.

But Zur found me.

Of course, he did.

He always knew where I was, even when I did not know myself.

He found me and went down on his knees before me, begging my forgiveness. I did not understand at first, but he persisted, saying it was his fault, that he should never have brought me to this world. He did not know the depths to which Gaur would go in his bid to save the Under Realm.

Snarling, I answered, “But you always knew your brother would marry me.”

“Yes,” Zur replied. “But I did not know I would fall in love with you.”

In those few words, I found what I needed. Life. Hope. A reason to hold on.

I could not return to Mythanar. Zur had been sent to retrieve me, loyal dog that he was. But for the first time, he disobeyed his master. We ran away. Together. We had the whole of Eledria in which to lose ourselves, and we intended never to be found. Let the dragon rise if she must! Let Gaur watch his whole world crumble and burn. It no longer mattered to us, except . . .

Vor.

I could not go without him.

Ah, but my tongue wearies of this talk! Of telling tales from so long ago. There’s much to be done, and my time would be better spent doing it.

I suppose I’m committed now. A tale once begun can’t very well be left untold.

Fine. Keep your mouth shut and your ears open. I’ll tell you the rest of this sorry business, though you may wish it unsaid in the end.

We were caught.

Gaur knew I would return, and he was prepared for us. Perhaps if I had known then what I know now, I might have managed to slip in and take the child on my own. Zur did try to warn me. He knew somehow that if we went back, we would never escape again. But I insisted. I was weak—a mother’s love can be such a treacherous parasite.

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